Family

My father's side of the family is a household full of singletons. My uncles and my aunt have never gotten married before. Neither did any of them ever had a relationship before except my 2nd uncle. At least that's what I knew so far. And so any dreams on my Grandmother's side for more grandchildren had to put away since none of them are showing any inclination of getting invovled in a relationship or getting married soon. Until my 5th uncle returned to the family early this year.

My 5th uncle, who happens to be the youngest in the family, had been missing for nearly a decade. He disappeared and cut off all contact with us when he was declared a bankrupt in Singapore. Until this day, I am not really sure what happened 10 long years ago. But during this long period of time, I know how much my Grandmother misses him and how everybody in the family hope that he will at least contact any of us to let us know that he's safe and sound somewhere. Some of our relatives spotted him around in KL and Penang several times and tried to persuade him to come back to the family to avoid anymore heartache for my Grandmother but he never did. ONly after the death of my grandaunt did he come back and since then, he had stayed on and came home to my Grandmother's place every other week. But that isn't all, he brought a surprise back for all of us - his new family. He got married a few years back and last year, his wife gave birth to a lovely baby boy. I'm really happy for him and also my Grandmother and frankly, when I learned of the news, I breathe a sigh of relieve.

I've been the only grandchild for both sides of the family and to boot, I'm also the only child of a single parent, my Mum. My dad passed away 2 months before I was born. Anyway, being the only child and only grandchild plus, the only niece in the family, well at least at my father's side of the family without any more nieces and newphews, I always feel a lot of pressure especially when it comes to my studies. I guess part of the pressure that I felt are actually self inflicted. I always try my best in everything and I do and whenever I fall short of the expectation that I've set for myself, I'll be very disappointed with my self and disgusted at the same time for failing to achieve what I wanted. I don't know why but I've always think and felt that I needed to be better than everybody in things I do even though it's nearly impossible.

SO right now, all the attention is focus on my baby cousin, Adrian. And surprisingly, I'm not jealous or whatsoever. In fact, I myself have been paying a lot of attention to him too. *giggles* He's really cute. And really huge for a one year old. IN fact, we just celebrated his birthday yesterday. He's also very playful and a little cunning to boot. Whenever he did something that's wrong and his mother wanted to scold him, he'll give her an innocent smile and his mother will forget about scolding him in an instant. Now, isn't that cunning or what? And he loves to smile and laugh a lot. *grins* Weird thing is, he doesn't really look like my 5th uncle but instead look exactly like my 2nd uncle. Anyway, it's nice to have some new blood in the family. =)

Death of the South Korean hostage in Iraq..or is it?

I was surfing the Internet at the wee hours early this morning while chatting with some friends who have scattered to every part of the world, namely Australia, Singapore and the States when one of them promptly message me to tell me the bad news that had circulated within the hour in the Internet.

The South Korean hostage who was abducted in Iraq was beheaded! I've read the news and reports from the Internet and my best friend, Jonathan and I even went a step further to discuss about the whole issue and how it effects the world and what not. We were basically discussing how much we dislike certain countries who incidentally have started the war and the atrocities of the terrorists. This whole incident is pretty much scary to think about. And I sympathise a lot on the families of the victims of war. Not only the casualties of shoot outs and bombing but also victims of war that comprises of these hostages.

I did not really follow much of these news until lately because I'd been busy with assignments and deadlines. I even suffer from lack of sleep because of the deadlines but it is all worthwhile because I think I did pretty well in my units for the semester. Anyway, back to my original ranting. I only started to take notice of the politics and hostages abducting stories after I handed in my last assignment. Imagine my horror at all the unimaginable violence that are happening in Iraq. First the torture of the POWs by the American soldiers and now this. What has the world turn into? Everywhere I see, there's only violence. Including Malaysia.

Before I stray away from the main topic again, I woke up to the news in the newspaper stating that the South Korean hostage is still very much alive that they are still negotiating talks with his captors. According to the news that I read, his captors decided to prolong his life a little longer by having talks with a representative from the Korean company in Iraq. Now, the confusing thing is, which piece of news is true? The one that he's really dead? Or the one that he's still very much alive and there are still negotiations going on? This is a rather mind-boggling piece of news.

[Edit] I told my Mum about this piece of news when we were having dinner just now. Seems that the news that are published in The Sun newspaper is always a day later. So I guess the South Korean guy is really dead. God bless his soul.

Disappointment

The word 'disappointment' has a thousand meanings. A person can feel disappointment any time of the day at any place. Anybody can feel disappointment be it young or old. And I'm definitely feeling very disappointed right now. I'm disappointed at my uncle. He's not my mother's brother, rather my mother's cousin brother.

My maternal family tree is a rather confused and entangled family tree. My great-grandparents had 2 children; a son and a daughter. The son, my granduncle, had 3 wives. Yup, 3 freaking wives. The first wife had a daughter, my first aunt. The second wife had 2 daughters, my second aunt and my Godma, while the third wife had 3 daughters. Coming from an old, superstitious Chinese family, it is crucial that my granduncle at least have a son. But since all 3 wives are unable to bear him a son, he adopted a baby boy as the last resort. That baby boy grew up to my uncle. Needless to say, he was the apple in everybody's eyes. My great-grandparents daugher, which is my Granny, had only one child, my Mum.

Even though my uncle was the only male in the family, his parents doesn't want to take care of him. I think my third grandaunt is just too lazy to take on any more responsiblity in raising children. And who took care of him since young til the day he got married? My Granny. She single handedly brought him up, care for him, love him. Right up to the extend of ignoring my Mum at points. My Mum, her only child, was ignored because she was busy paying too much attention to my uncle. But did my Mum ever complain? Maybe she did when she was young, but after she grew up, she understood that my Granny is still living by the ways of the olden time and tried to accept my Granny's characteristics on her different ways to show that she loves us. My Mum did not utter a single word against my uncle instead choosing to love his children like her own.

I'm disappointed with my uncle because after all the love and care my Granny gave him, he became the prodigal child after he got married and do not care much for my Granny any longer. And still, my Granny persisted on to love him and care for him. Sometimes, it was so obvious that I felt my uncle was being unfair towards her and also taking advantage of her at times. My Granny is now weak, very weak. My Mum testified that she's a big more stronger now compared to the last few weeks but to me, she's still very weak. All my aunts, my Mum's cousin sisters from all over Malaysia make it a point to see my Granny, to ask about her health, to care for her. How is it possible for them, my aunts, who are not in BM, to make an effort to care and be concern about my Granny's welfare and it is not possible for my uncle, who happens to stay in BM too, to be concern about her health and her welfare? After all the sweat and tears she sacrifice to bring him up, is this the correct way to repay her? I don't think so.

The more I think of it, the more pissed off I am at my uncle. And the worst part is, I can't do or say anything to him. Because in Chinese customs, it's rude to answer back or talk without respect to your elders. How can he be such a prodigal newphew? At least his first born, my cousin brother who happens to be ONLY 14, is more caring towards my Granny. When my Mum told my cousin, Daniel, that she's very, very worried about my Granny, he actually told my Mum that it is so unfortunate that he's only 14 and he couldn't ride a motorcycle yet. Or else he would come every afternoon to check on her when Mum's at work. Now, isn't that thoughtful of him? I feel that my uncle should be ashamed of himself for the fact that his son, his FOURTEEN year old son, is more concern about my Granny than he is. All the love and care that my Granny gave my uncle just went down the drain the day he stop caring for her as much as he used to. He never visits every week. He only comes for a visit when it's convenient to him or when he felt like it. I just feel that he is not showing enough love towards my Granny instead chossing to focus all that on his in-laws.

Maybe it's the way I was brought up. I believe that we should always repay those people who brought us up, who cared for us, who loved us, who will go to the end of the world for us. These people are none other than your own mother, your family. For me, these people are my Mum and my Granny. Both of them work very hard to provide me with a happy childhood and made sure that I have adequate food, love and care to last me my whole life. Now that I'm going to turn 21 soon, I've learn to repay their kindness towards me by loving them even more, by caring for them, by doing little things that might meant nothing at the beginning but adds up to a lot at the end of the day. I learn to be more filial, to be more respectful. If I could think of all these to repay their kindness, why can't my uncle think the same way? Why must he do everything at his convenience rather than doing things because he really meant it? It is so difficult to repay and be filial to a woman who brought him up and made him what he is today; a successful businessman?

The really odd thing is both me and my uncle are brought up by the same person - my Granny. And we're different as night and day. I would have thought that we would at least have some similar thinking when it comes to being filial but apparently I'm not. I just hope for my Granny's sake that my uncle would try to be as filial to her as possible before she passes on. Because even to this day, she will find no fault in him and thinks him perfect no matter how much imperfection he has. Maybe it was wrong of me to think that we would somehow think in a similar way in the first place. I don't know. I'm just too tired to think of these anymore. Somehow or other, all these matters seem a little trivial compared to what is going on in the world.

Two funerals within a month

I believed I'd mentioned something about attending several funerals in my last post. Actually, I'd attended two funerals this year and both are only a month apart. So, it was really devastating, especially when both funerals that I attended are funerals of people I really loved and cared about.

The first funeral I attended this year was that of my Godfather's. He passed away on New Year's eve and I regret not being there to see him for one final time before he left all of us. He supposedly died of a heart attack. But the truth was much more difficult and long to explain. He had been suffering from some sort of blood disease for more than a year when he passed on. The symptoms were similar to that of a leukemia patient where his red blood cells are much, much lower than his white blood cells. 2-3 days before he passed away, my Godfather was admitted into the hospital because he needed to get blood transfusion, something that he always needed at the end of each month. His liver had ceased to function properly and could not produce the amount of red blood cells his body needed, thus the need to go for blood transfusion every month. The blood transfusion that day went well and there were no complications. But the next day, the hospital staff needed to transfused some palettes or something like that (things and terms that I'm not too sure about) and this time around, things went awry and somehow, the liquid got into his lungs and he had problem breathing, and this lead to his heart pumping harder and faster, something which his heart is not strong enough to do so. Before anybody could guess what happen, he had a stroke and he couldn't talk for the rest of the day and night. When my Godmother went to the hospital, thinking that she could fetch her husband back home and usher in the New Year, she had the shock of her life to see her husband laying on bed, unable to move and the doctors were around to tell her to "be prepared" because he might not make it through the night. At the eve of New Year, my Godpa really couldn't make it and he passed away.

Even until now, after 6 months had passed, the feeling is still very surreal. I know my Godpa's no longer alive, yet at the same time, my mind refuse to register the fact and every time I visit my Godma, I half expect my Godpa to come out of the house to greet me like he always does. It was a really hard time letting go off him, especially for my Godma. I admit that there were times when I really dislike my Godpa for scolding, arguing and belittling my Godma but deep down inside my heart, I'd always love him for he's the only Godpa I have. The whole funeral was so surreal that I barely cried for the first few days I was there. But when the time came for the undertakers to push his coffin with his body inside into the furnace burner, I cried. Long and hard. My Godma went hysterical at that moment. I think that if we did not held on to her, she would have rushed headlong and jumped into the furnace along with Godpa's coffin. The moment I saw the undertakers pushing Godpa's coffin into the furnace, all feelings of surreality disappeared right there and reality dawned on me that I'll never see my Godpa in real life again. But after so many months had passed, the feeling of surreality is back. I just can't help it. The feeling is just like Godpa just went on a really, REALLY LOONNGGG holiday and he'll come back soon, even though I know it's not true deep down inside.

Less than a month later on, my grandaunt passed away. The pain is not so great and intense this time around. I don't know why, maybe everybody's been expecting for her to passed on for a really long time now. I'm not trying to sound cruel and neither am I cruel. That is the harsh truth. My grandaunt had been suffering from kidney liver for nearly 20 years and she had to go for dialysis every few days for the past 20 years. Imagine somebody you love and respect going for dialysis every few days for 20 years. And every time I see her, which was not very often, as I grew up, I see her shrinking in size and for the last couple of years, osteoporosis invaded her body and made her shrink even more. For a few years, her size made her look just like a kid but her face, her face...there are more wrinkles and sometimes I can't help thinking that maybe death is a better solution for her than to let her continue suffer. I'm not cruel in thinking like that, I just can't bear to see her suffer and shrink any smaller anymore. Frankly, the whole family just does not want to see her suffer any longer.

The weird part about attending my grandaunt's funeral was that I did not cry at all. Not a single tear drop from my eyes. I know I was sad deep down inside but I was unable to cry. Not even when the undertakers pushed her coffin into the furnace. I did not shed a single tear. I'm not cold hearted. That much I know cause I'm the type who cries easily. But that day, the tears just won't come. Maybe because I know she wouldn't be suffering anymore and she's finally found peace. I don't know for sure. I'm just very glad that she doesn't need to suffer on earth anymore.

After all the pain and tears I witnessed throughout the two funerals I'd attended, I don't think I can go through another funeral this year, especially if the funeral happens to be that of my Granny who had looked after and cared for me for the past 20 years. I just really, really hope that she'll get better and live long enough to see me graduate and get married. Better still if she could live to see her great-grandchildren. =)

Home sweet home...

Finally, home sweet home. And that means I'm back in my sweet little hometown where I've been living for the past 20 years. It's situated in the middle of mainland part of Penang known as Province Wellesley. No, it's not in Butterworth but that's what I usually tell people because whenever I mentioned Bukit Mertajam, there will be a large question mark above their heads and the way their eyebrows arched shows that they have not even HEARD of the place before.

Anyway, I reached BM (short for Bkt Mertajam) in the wee hours this morning. The reason? My bf and I drove back all the way from KL from midnight onwards and only reached BM around 4-5 in the morning. The initially plan was for us to go back to his hometown in Alor Setar and come back to BM this afternoon after lunch with his family. But the moment we passed the Juru toll, he decided that he was just too dead tired to drive on any longer and since the journey back to my house from the toll takes less than 15 minutes, he decided that we should stop at my house instead of going all the way back to Alor Setar, which was going to take another hour or so. Well, he did not really decide himself that we should go back to my house in the wee morning, he actually asked me what we should do before making the final decision. And I respect him for that. The ability to ask for my opinion before making decisions. He had always asked for my opinions before doing anything and that includes his career. But I'll get back to this some other time. And so, back to my house we did and I had to wake my Mum up at nearly 5am. Thank goodness I do not need to call the housephone to wake either her or Granny up cause Mum's been sleeping in my room all the while that I was in KL. She claims that my room is much cooler in the evenings and nights, which she didn't believe when I first told her that. Hehe..finally she believes me and decided to take over my room whenever I'm back in KL studying. But this room will always be mine cause whenever I came back for holidays, for instance this time around, the room will be returned to me without question. After all, I'm the Queen of my own room. Kekeke....oh well. Anyway, my bf and I hooked up in my room while my Mum promptly made her way back to her room and within minutes, all of us were asleep like pigs. I cannot be excuse for it cause after all, when one is born in the year of pigs, one have to act like a pig in someway or other. =D

My bf and I slept through the whole morning and only woke up around 1 something in the afternoon. Yet, I'm still feeling sleepy and tired and all I want to do is just to continue snoozing away. Unfortunately, I had to wake up and see what my Mum and Granny is up to. Both of them were busy preparing a Chinese delicacy known as 'Chong' (in Cantonese). It's rice wrapped in bamboo leaves and then boiled in hot boiling water. There are 2 types of 'chong'; the sweet type and the salty type. The sweet type is yellow in colour and to eat it, you either dip it in sugar or melted 'gula Melaka'. 'Gula Melaka' is actually hard coconut sugar that are in pieces as hard as bricks. The taste is heavenly especially to young kids and I used to love eating them. But as I grew up, I became more health conscious and stop eating too many sweet things. Thus, the low liking for it anymore. The salty type of 'chong' is wrapped in bamboo leaves too but are considerably 2-3 times bigger than the sweet type. THe rice is fried til fragrant with dark soya sauce. While the sweet type does not have any filling, the salty type had meat, mushrooms, beans and egg yolk in it. My Granny usually wraps a special bunch for me cause she knows I'm not too fond of eating 'chong' with egg yolk. I hope she does the same this year too. As for other people, some will add in some dried shrimps but I do not really like the taste of it. Maybe cause I've grown up eating my Granny's version of 'chong'.

Speaking of Granny, she's definitely grown much weaker since the last time I saw her, which was somewhere in April. Mum had been calling me practically every week since then cause I was in KL studying. Each time we talked, she'll tell me how Granny fared for the past week and without fail, there will always be accounts on Granny getting dizzy and falling down in the process. 7 times out of the 10 times she falls down, she'll definitely hit her head on a table, or maybe a chair or something. I'm really, really worried about her. She's 79 years old this year. 80 if you want to follow the Chinese calendar. And all the while, she's been doing fine. She's healthy as can be and she can even go shopping for hours with Mum and I. But now, looking at her health deteoriating before my very eyes, I'm suddenly overcome with fear. Fear of losing her to the Grim Reaper. I know people die every day because of old age. But frankly, I do not want to go to another funeral this year. I'll get to this next time round. My very wish is for Granny to witness my graduation for my degree and to still be around when I get married. She's the next best thing in my family after my Mum. I hope against hope that she'll be ok and that her health will not continue to deteoriate. Cause if her health continues to deteoriate in such a short period of time, I fear that she will not be around for long. But before the worst happened, I'll make sure that I enjoy her company and show her my love as much as possible, nevermind her sharp tongue that loves to scold and nag. I'll just ignore that and take life with her once again one day at a time.

[Edit] As for my diarrhoea, it's still there but it's definitely getting better. I am not confined to eating broth and bread anymore. Yippee! But I still do not want to experience excruciating pain in my stomach and the high frequency of visiting the toilet any sooner.

Diarrhoea..

That's right. Diarrhoea. I have diarrhoea. Been having tummy aches and had been running to the toilet very very often for the whole of last night. Poor me huh? I don't know what I ate wrong or what lead to the diarrhoea.

I've been trying to retrace the intake of food that went through my mouth but seriously, none are prominent enough to cause any thing that would trigger off the diarrhoea. I had the same 'maggi goreng' that my housemate had. In fact, we shared the same plate of maggi. Then, I woke up yesterday morning with an upset stomach but I dimissed it as flatulence in my stomach and maybe the beginning of a gastric. So, after washing up, I immediately drink milk with oats cause it usually does clear the gastric juice at the beginning. I had rice with chicken and four angle beans for lunch. And I still felt all right after it. It all started after I got back from 1 Utama (a shopping mall in Petaling Jaya), which was around 4 plus in the evening. I started experiencing stomach upsets where it hurts a lot. And when I said it hurts a lot, it really does hurts a lot until I had to curl up like a ball to prevent the pain from getting more intense. And from that time onwards, I went to the toilet 2-3 times every hour. The pain in the stomach is excruciating and sometimes I can just feel my tears forming on its own, prepared to roll down my face.

I've been running to the toilet the whole night and by the time I was too tired or blur to do anything else but to go to the toilet, my housemate, Denise, bless her kind soul, checked on me to make sure I'm really all right because she's been hearing me going to the toilet for far too often for comfort. She asked me what's wrong and I told her that I suspect I'm having diarrhoea. She said she has the medicine for it and went to get me some. Lomotil. That's the tablet she gave me to cure the diarrhoea. Now, Lomotil is suppose to work. It's suppose to take the diarrhoea away. How do I know this? Well, my bf's dad is a doctor. And living with a doctor for the past 20 years, my bf definitely did pick up some stuff on what to take for certain pains and stuff. He was the one who told me to take either Lomotil or Bascopane (not sure of the spelling). Anyway, Lomotil helped for only 2-3 hours. Cause in the middle of the night, I had to wake up to go to the toilet again. Big business in the middle of the night. *sigh* Fortunately, the pain is not as excruciating as before but it is still bad enough. And after that, I'd been going to the toilet every 2-3 hours with pain in my stomach.

My bf took me to the doctor's just now. He was suppose to come fetch me and take me to the doc's in the morning before he went to work, but being a sleepy pig as he always is, he was late. And every clinic that we went to is either close or the doc's away for lunch. Finally, around 2, the doc came back and I was the first patient to see him after his lunch hour. The doc is pretty old and he looks like he's sick and tired of seeing patients again. He gave me the feeling that he's still doing the job because it's the only thing he's good at. Oh well, anyway, I told him what was wrong with me and he check my stomach. You know, all the poking a doc does to see what's wrong with you. Anyway, he checked on me and finally gave me a whole lot of tablets for my dehydration and the pain and the diarrhoea. Finally. So here I am, after going to the doctor's, writing a piece on how painful it is to get diarrhoea. ANd on what I had to go through the feel like a normal person again.

My thigh hurts like hell....

Ok. So, I was having dinner with my bf and 2 of his friends at this Malay stall just now. The food they served are typical Malay food fare but there are a few dishes that are quite special and unique in their own way.

Anyway, after dinner, the 4 of us were sitting around, sipping our drinks and chatting the night away. One of my bf's friends, Rhodri, joked that anybody whose hair style is something like my bf's is kinda gay. So I answered, somewhat in a cheeky way that Rhodri is indirectly saying that my bf is gay. All of us laughed, including my bf when he said that he could prove he's not gay and started to lean towards me. I shifted in my seat so that I'm further away from him and guess what? He hit my thigh with all his might! And my thigh hurts so much that my tears just start rolling down my face with a mind of their own. And I'm dead serious with the whole tears fiasco thing. It really hurts that much. And to think he did that in front of his 2 friends! It was embarassing for them to see my tears.Even now, while I'm writing this entry, which is a couple of hours after the whole thing, my thigh still hurts. It feels like the whole area is throbbing non stop. Urgh!

Before I forget, I'm really mad at my bf now. Even though if he claims that it was an accident to hit so hard. Cause you just can't regret and take back your words and action long after what you said or did. The impact of it all is there already. It can never be erased. I know I sound very petty over little stuff like that, but seriously, that's not the way to treat ur gf or bf. He embarassed me in front of his friends and was even laughing after he hit me. I guess I'm quite sensitive but it hurts me a lot especially when he's laughing when it's not funny at all. Who in their right mind would hit someone they love and laugh after the whole incident? Nobody would do that unless they are psycho or they just don't really care. *sigh* I don't know what to think or say. I know he loves me a lot. But that's just not the right way to handle the situation just now. I'm hurt, I'm angry, and I'm sad. Disappointed too. I'm giving him the cold shoulder right now. I think it's best to let him know how angry and disappointed I am at him so that he'll learn his lesson.

I am so PISSED OFF!!!!!

I am so, so, so pissed off with blogspot!! I've been trying to login for the past hour and only manage to login now after the umpteenth time of logging in non-stop. Even after sending requests for password retrieval and using the web page that they sent, I'm still not able to login cause they keep asking for a password when they are suppose to guide me to change my freaking password! What kind of system are they running on? Why is it so NOT friendly user or maybe I'm the only one who has this kind of problem? I don't know for sure but I'm really, really pissed off now! I swear I can kill somebody right now. And I do pity my boyfriend because he's letting me use him to let off some steam. Even though I felt a little better after doing that, guilt starts to take over cause he doesn't deserve all this. Even if he did pissed me off earlier and irritated me with his stupid laugh that goes "Huh huh huh". If blogspot continues denying my right to login without problems and I'm still gonna encounter all this shit each time I have the inspiration to write something, I might just stop writing here all together and find some other blogging website to post whatever I want to write. Other blogging website that is more user friendly for newbies like me. And not torturing me and making me lose my inspiration to rant and rave and write by making me try to login for one whole freaking hour!!!!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!

I was initially pissed off about something else but after trying for one whole fucking hour just trying to login, I forgot what the heck I want to say and am now thouroughly pissed with blogspot. So there. Done. Finito. ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Freaking video clip

This is my first time in blogging. I only learned about blogging from my lecturer, Mabel, when I started my degree course this year. Mabel is not only one rock-a-chick babe of a lecturer, she's also a good friend that I really cherished.

Yesterday was a nightmare for me. I barely had 4 hours of sleep the previous night and I got to stay in college the whole day because some people in my group are just too irresponsible to stay and finish up the work that they are suppose to. We have a video clip to complete which my lecturer's gonna screen on Friday. The problem is, those who are in charge of transferring the files of the shoots we took use the wrong format to transfer and the end result of the video is only shown on one tiny part of the tv. So...we have to go back to college and try to enlarge the whole video clip and fix up some problems that the initial video clip had. Now, I'm the so-called producer for the whole shoot. That means, I'm also supposedly to be in charge of the editing. I sure don't know how to edit stuff for screen but I will learn all things that needed to be use. Problem was, some people in the group insist that they be on the editing team and that I don't need to worry myself for editing. Okaayyy....fine...at least that was what I thought. They handled the first editing, well, sort of, more like they asked another person to help them edit. Anyway, they did the first editing and the whole thing was just too small for the tv. And so, we risked the idea that we have to shoot the whole video clip again. Thank GOd, some guy came in to help us enlarge the thing, thus we do not need to reshoot the freaking video clip. But those who were in the editing team were not around cause they are under a tight deadline to finish a take home exam which they were suppose to finish the night before since knowing that they have to come in that day to redo the editing part. But no...off they went to the other labs in the college to finish their take home essay and I'm left with the guy and a few other people in the group who incidentally were not in charge of the editing part too. Irresponsible? YUP! Definitely is. So, the few people left to care for the editing is me, the director, the original editor who did not even take the freaking subject and the only guy in our group. Now, the director is suppose to stay and make sure that everything is ok before she left right? But no....she told me that she has to go do some grocery shopping in some mall because she ran out of food to eat at home. So fine, nursing an empty stomach is quite important and I'm actually quite ok with the whole fact until she said, "I might go catch a movie after my grocery shopping, I'm thinking of watching Shrek 2". Now, that really makes my blood boil. FOr Christ's sake, I barely had 4 hours of sleep to boot and I've been sleeping less than 5 hours every night because I was trying to finish my assignments, I'm NOT even in charge on the whole freaking editing thing and I'm NOT the DIRECTOR!! She should stay back and make sure that everything is fine before she left, not me! But once again, I just kept quiet and let people push me around. And I had to stayed til 5 something in the evening while everybody around me gets to go home early. I was practically floating around in the air the whole day yesterday but does anybody care? Hell, no!

Andrew, one of my good friends around were kind enough to wait for me to finish up the whole thing just so he could fetch me back when he could have gone home much earlier and avoid the usual peak hour jam. I was ranting and raving to him and his friends about the whole thing and he was using some not so nice names to call my group members. I was telling him not to do so because I'm just pissed off and ranting about things when he said, "Grace, you're just too nice to people. That's why they always push you around. Like today, they pushed you around and yet, you still make excuses for them to push you around." That got me stop my protest in mid-air and I started thinking. Maybe what he said is quite true. I tend to want to please people and not think about myself. If I feel that I treat somebody badly even though if that person deserves it, I'll feel bad later on and there will be a heavy burden in me. I'm just born to be so and even though some people appreciate me for who I am, some just take advantage of it and step all over my head just so that they can have their things done. *Sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do next and no matter how many times I told myself not to be nice to people anymore or not to allow people to push me around, I still tend to let my guard down before I realize that people are using me again. Unless I can really change, I think I will always be pushed around, be it in college or at work next time.

Well, time to have my dinner now. I still have an exam to study for tomorrow. I'll come back here the next time when I have something to say.