A small reflection about life

I remember feeling that I was at the end of the world, back then when I was 10 or 11. Then, I was backstabbed by a girl whom I treated as one of my best friends. Because of her jealousy (can't even remember what she was jealous about), I was friendless for the rest of my primary education. The final 2 years of my primary education was hell to me. I live by with only acquaintances and that for me wasn't enough. See, I am an only child, born to a single mother. Dad died even before I was born. My friends mean the world to me. I depended on friendships to survive life. I love my friends, care for them, will do anything just to make them happy, just to make them like me and continue being my friends.

Thinking back, I'm really amazed at how I managed to get on with life then. I remember feeling utterly miserable, that life was at its end. Yet, being the proud old me, I refuse to share my sorrow and misery with my mum. Rather, I lived with it for more than a year before I finally broke down and told my mum everything. Fortunately, the problem changed me to be a better person. I became more independent. I tried to make something good out of my life. I became less of a spoilt brat, rather, maturing way faster than my peers. I learn to take life as it is and make the best come out of the worst that I was facing. But most importantly, I changed. And that change is good.

Even after everything went back to normal after that 2 years, I realise that at every turn, at every opportunity in life, there will be all sorts of problems facing us. And those problems will inevitable change us. Just like what Mabel said, it's up to us to make that change good or bad for us. A few years down the road after that friendless, miserable childhood, I came face to face with another problem. This time, I did things that I regretted. Things I wish I could turn back time and rectify. I was horrible during that period of time. I rebel in every way possible in a very subtle way right to the point where Mum didn't even realise the change in me. That change was bad. Very bad. But after I realise the mistakes I made, realise the hurt, pain and disappointment I caused everybody, I changed again. To be better, to be happier. To be what I was, to be exact, to what I am today.

Life was blissful for me these few years. Sure, there's that occasional problem. But other than the slight glitches that occured in life, I had my peace. Until now. I understand what Mabel and Zeng are trying to say to me. I've thought hard about it. And I come up with this: Why is it possible for me to go on with life with problems when I was young and why isn't it possible now? I compared myself, now and then, and I realise, I was so much stronger when I was 10. I could still continue going to school and do well in my studies even though my private life was practically non-existent then. Sure, I screwed up my life a little when I was 16/17 by turning into a little monster but after that I was still able to make the best out of things and became an even better person. But most important of all, I became tougher, physically and mentally. I find myself doing things I never thought possible, things I never dream I could do. I find myself living a life as it should be lived.

I should not let the death of a loved one break me into pieces. I should not keep on holding the grduge against the man I love to stop living life. What I SHOULD do, is to pick myself up and climb again. What I SHOULD do, is to make the best out of what I have now. What I SHOULD do, is to keep working hard and smart, to keep the things I've achieved so far and to accumulate more. What I SHOULD do, is to see that "change is normal" (quoted from Mabel). We, as human, as children of God, know that bad things happen for a reason, that He allowed it to happen to us in order for us to change, to be better, to reflect in life, to draw close to Him again. At the end of the day, I wonder if it isn't GOd's way of telling me that He's tired of waiting for me to take my own sweet time to serve Him again, that He's allowing all these things to happen so that I will draw close to Him again, to tell me that He still loves me no matter what I did in the past, no matter how I felt I've sinned against Him.

My thoughts are still all over the place. I still have not come to a certain decision of what to make of my life now. One thing for sure, I'll start from the bottom by slowly climbing the uphill task of life again. By climbing these steep stairs, I'll find myself again. Maybe the "me" I find will be a little altered, maybe not. Whatever it is, I pray that the "me" I find will find the courage and spirit in the younger "me" to go on with life and accept change to make the best out of it for myself and those around me.

p/s: Thanks Mabel and Zeng for the words of wisdom.
p/p/s: Zeng, still have no idea who am I do you? LoL

Everything-less?

I feel like I'm not up to form these days, especially at the beginning of this semester. I'm not sure if it's because of my Granny's death or that problem I have with my bf, I don't know what it is, but I know for sure that I feel restless these days.

I don't know what I'm studying half the time, I feel like only my physical being is in class and my mind some where else, I feel so lost this semester. Really, really lost. And worst of all, I don't think I'll be doing very well in my studies this semester. Sure, I may have gotten pretty ok results for my tests so far but assignments and project wise, I'm just so, so lost.

Take MPPL's assignment for example. I had Mabel's help where she gave me an idea, an outline to approach the question yet, when I'm sitting down in front of my computer, I don't know what the heck I'm writing half the time. I just went on and on blabbing and typing words without really registering the whole thing into my mind. And Media Audiences' case study...Oh goodness! I have a really, really bad feeling that I went out of topic, that I blabbed about things that were not significant to the question, things that were not relevant at all, and then I started justifying my actions. Yet, at the end of the day, I knew I went out of topic. I just hope Sham would have mercy on me and give me a much more passable grade. *groans* Oh, and let's not forget how I was literally 'shot' down my Sham during tut presentation on that print ad I did. I got to admit, what he said or commented then was right on the bull's eye. I feel my creativity running away from me, I feel stupid half the time, well most of the time. I don't know what's going on with me anymore.

All those plans I made out for myself, all those aims, it all seem so far away from reach right now. I hope that Sham's impression on me wouldn't go down the drain for the shoddy work I presented then. I hope I still have half the respect from him as my lecturer and frankly, I just feel useless this semester. Even when I'm around Mabel, even Serene, I feel useless, I feel stupid, I feel inadequate. Sometimes, I feel like I don't know how to talk to Mabel anymore. I don't know what to say to her, I don't know how to communicate with her anymore. In fact, come to think of it, other than Jo, I don't know how to communicate with my friends anymore. Whenever I talk to Mum these days, I'll go rambling, talking unnecessarily. Maybe I just didn't want her to be worried about me. I don't know. My feelings are all over the place right now...

I feel moody most of the time. I seldom laugh these days and even when I did, it was not because things or situations are funny, I'm just sort of like forcing myself to laugh. I fell small all the time. I feel hopeless, I feel soulless, I feel spiritless, I feel everything-less, if there's such a word though I doubt it. I feel like I'm at my lowest point now and I hate it, I HATE it!! I hate feeling like this but it is so much easier to continue staying at the bottom rather than picking myself up and start climbing to the top again. It's so easy to wallow in self-pity than do something to counteract it.

Why do human beings have to go through one problem after another? Why do God create humans to be such complex beings? Why can't we just be simple? Isn't it much easier for humans to get along with then? Then, we wouldn't have politics, we wouldn't have war, we wouldn't have so much death around us, but most importantly, we would all be content with what we have, with what God gives us. Why do we have to be so complex and face depression, problems in life, love and whatever? Why? Why? Why?!

Things are pretty off for me right now. Even though Mum's a friend to me at times, this is one of those times where I can't tell her anything as a friend. God,life's so tough for me these days. I feel so unmotivated to do anything about it. Oh God, please, please give me a reason to continue on this shitty life of mine!

I should be...

...typing feverishly on the keyboard, working on my Media Audiences Case Study but nope, here I am, typing feverishly away on this blog. Bleh!

What an unlucky time for me to catch the flu bug! I had to get it on the night I came back to Penang and because of it, I've been sleeping like a pig, literally for the past 2 days. Didn't help that I have a deadline to meet and there I am, sleeping, like a pig. Sheesh! So here I am, way early, early in the morning, with my case study half done, feeling super, super stressed out and I still find the time to blog. But what do you know? Blogging takes away some of my stress, some of my frustration in my incapabilities in forming precise, correct sentences the way I want to.

It's 7am now and I'm suppose to email my work to Jing so that she'll be able to print and hand in my work. But, my work is only half way done!!!

*takes deep breath*

Right...I shall stop procrastinating around here and get back to work. Only Lord knows how I'm able to produce another thousand words or so by afternoon. Sigh....

Just an update...

...for those who didn't know about it yet. Well, I've received the Merit Scholarship from KDU again and this time it's a full waiver. Yup, a full waiver for next semester's fees. Frankly, I wasn't too confident in getting it again, so yeah, this was a lovely surprise.

Yet, I wasn't excited or happy as I should be. Maybe the whole thing with my bf's still hanging around me more than I allowed it to. Maybe I was just super tired when I received the news. Whatever it is, Mum was more happy hearing the news than I did. She was so excited that she announced over the phone that we'll celebrate the good news when I go back during the holidays. Looking forward to the celebration but still not very hype up about it. Guess I'm just pretty stress out and tired these days to be happy for the time being. Oh well!

6th April 2005

I know it's been a week since I last wrote this down but I was pretty busy lately and didn't have time to put this up. Whatever that is pasted below was how I felt on the 6th, not of late.

A Very Broken Heart

Sometimes, no matter how much preparation you did to prepare yourself for the inevitable, no matter how much you tell yourself that you'll be ok when the actual truth is out, things don't always turn out the way it is, especially when the ugly truth decides to directly smack you on your face to wake you up.

When I came to the conclusion that my bf's been cheating on me, I prepared myself to find out more about his secret rendezvous. I suspected that K wasn't the first girl he had been having an affair with and that there were many more. I prepared myself for it, for the ugly truth to descend on me. But when if finally did, I could hear my heart break into another million pieces on top of the other million pieces that has formed a pile at the bottom of my heart. I realised that the supposed happiness and bliss that I felt for the past 4 years were actually fabrication of lies and deceit. And that the most foolish person in the world right now is me. I was so taken with his sweet words, his declaration of love to me, that I fell hard, really very hard in love with him, even more than I would admit.

I've survived nearly 48 hours without shedding a tear, but now, I find them flowing down like there's no tomorrow. I know I should direct my attention to something more productive like my studies and my assignment but useless me can't stop thinking of anything but the lies that I believed for more than 4 years. I should have walked away when I had the opportunity. When we broke up briefly in 2003. I should just continue walking away without turning back for a second glance, because that second glance has cause me all these pain that I felt now. Friends had told me that I deserved better. Some knows the whole truth of my sacrifices, some don't. I am very, very tempted to walk away. But my low self-esteem prevented me from doing so. I have to build up a big enough courage in me before I am able to walk away. And also, it's not easy to walk away from a 4 year relationship as one thinks. Imagine one putting in all effort and sacrificing so much to make a relationship work, and then imagine walking away from it, leaving everything that one have built. I decided to stay on a little while more not because it was such a pity to leave such a long relationship behind, but rather, I want to disassociate myself with everything that I've done before I'm ready to leave.

He's a really good actor. He really deserves to win an Oscar. He is such good an actor that I believe I'm not the only one fooled by him, but also his family. To his family, and also myself, I'm his official gf, a woman that he wants to marry in the future. But behind our backs, he's been with God knows how many girls and he was so good at covering his tracks that he was never caught by anybody til now. I knew he was a playboy when I met him. He told me that he changed, that he didn't want to play with any girls' feelings and that he's ready to commit and I believed him. Old habits die hard. A leopard's spots never changes. Yet, I'm foolish enough, naive enough, innocent enough to believe that he truly had changed and that I'm his one and only. He may not be my first bf, but he is my first love, the first guy I've ever love. However, I know I should not base on this fact and stay on in a relationship that will only do me more harm emotionally and mentally. Time is what I need now to build that courage and walk away.

One Final Chance

I received a message from a girl that I do not even know in Friendster last Friday. In the message, she claims to be my bf's gf, or at least was my bf's gf until Thursday night. And I'm supposedly to be my bf's so-called 'godsister'. Here's the message I saved from Friendster:

Hi G,

I would not be surprise if you wouldnt know me.
The fact is, I do not know you too. You got to be
feeling real awkward why am I writing you this long
winded letter about. Let me do a brieft introduction
about myself.

My name is K. I am AL's ex-gf. I do not
know you knew about my existances or not. If you
knew, hello again. If you do not, Hello then. The
moment I am writing you this, I just got off the
hook with your "kai kor". We just broken up. He is
now emotionally driven and needs your full support
desperately. If you want to know the true reason of
the breaking up; here are the written scenarios.

If you are thinking I do not know who you are. I
think I know enough between the relationship
between you and alvin as "kai chi mui" or whatever
bullshit. I dont trust in these things anyway..

It started out with your sms-es and some pictures I
saw in his handphone. The words of "I love you
daddy muacks." Is something unacceptable to me.
The more I read. The more I feel like throwing up. I
dislike competitions when I need to share my
boyfriend with someone non-blood related. If you
would wanna call me sensitive, would you like your
bf to recieve the same messages if you would to
be in somewhere distant with your bf and you do
not talk to him until midnight? Try putting your
feets in my shoe. Then we will talk. Short note;
you were a threat to my relationship. (Please take
notice of the past tenses).

Conclusion, we broke up as A is supporting
you. I am letting him go for good. He is emotionally
driven now. I suggest you give him a call and say
Hello.

You can call me sensitive. Every woman will be
unless you are a man. G doesnt seems like a
man to me. I do not believe you are transexual
either therefore I am writing this to you.

As now A and I has officially broke up, you can
call him Daddy and love you muacks all the time
as he can call you lou poh and baby as much as
you like.

Honestly speaking, I dislike sharing my properties.
If you want a piece of him, take him entirely. I aint
going to snatch him away from you. You might
wanna start calling me names. I do not care. The
true original reason I am breaking up? You can put
the blame on yourself.

You can blame it on my anger, sensitivity or
ignorances. I do not need a second opinion from
you. I am sick of trying to erase all the sweet
words you sent to A off my brains and the
name calling. The sms is hurtful enough, together
with the picture, I think I am through with it.

You would not need to worry no more. This would
be probably the only message I would send to you.
Till you reply or I think you deserve a reply, I shall
drop another 2 thousand characters over.

Fact is I would be going to the States soon. You
can have A all you want. If you want to know
how I feel, give me your bf's handphone number
and I shall drop a bomb of sweet "Hello Daddy,
blah blah blah, love you muacks" messages. Then
probably you will know how hurtful I will feel.

If you have respected him as you kai kor, I never
thought I was NOT respected as his GF. You can
not piss off as ALL i could ever care.

Here is the deal. Call A, and please be very
concern of him. He is very very stressful now and
desperately need accompany. I am sorry I couldnt
do the job because I am hurtful enough to heal
myself. I hope his "kai mui" will do it for him.

Take very good care and best wishes.. I hope after
this case, may my next coming relationship may
know have any "kai-chi mui" bullshiat.. I shall send
all my regards to you and A. May the lovings of
each other brings prosperity to your relationship.

Regards,
K

Yup...that's how the message went. I did not edit a single thing except for the names. The first time I read it, I was stunned, shocked. I wasn't able to register anything into my mind until I re-read the whole message several times. Then it hit me, "Wham!", just like that. A few thoughts were running around in my head. First, either she's lying or second, she's not. But what really got my blood boiling was the fact that she had to come and disturb my peace of mind when she's suppose to handle things with my bf. In short, she was supposedly to be going after my bf and somehow, I got dragged into the picture. I blasted my bf over the phone for this disruption of peace. I trust him enough to handle any unwanted attention from girls that are going after him from finding out about my personal life and from disturbing me but this is too much. And the fact that she found me on Friendster instead of messaging me through SMSes. That's the mind-boggling thing. How the hell did she found me in Friendster in the first place? She's connected to me through several people who are my bf's friends. Waiting for them to provide me with an answer as to how she knew who I was in the first place.

However, as I begun to analyse about the situation again and again, I find myself thinking about all possibilities. My bf could be having an affair with her behind my back and got tired of playing around with me, thus dropping the "bomb" that he actually has something going on with his so-called 'godsister' (that's me). Or, that girl could really be trying to break us up by creating a bunch of lies. One thing for sure though, my bf encouraged her enough to lead her to believe that she's his gf. One hand trying to clap doesn't produce any sound. In this case, it's quite obvious that one hand belongs to her and the other belongs to my bf. It also got me thinking that my best friend could be right when she told me that she saw him with another girl in Penang. After the description I obtained from my best friend about the girl, I'm very convinced that he really has been having an affair behind my back. I really can't believe that after all these years of sacrifice and understanding from my part, he would repay it all this way. There are just so many thoughts in my head right now it's hard for me to put them into words right now.

Most of my friends want me to get out of the relationship because they said that I deserve better and that I don't need this kind of shit right now. Some said that I should stay on because of the numerous sacrifices I had made for him. But to me, it isn't really important now whether I decide to stay or not. It's a matter of trust now. He breached the trust I had on him. And frankly, right now, I just don't trust him anymore. I kept thinking that all that he told me in the past, about how much he loves me, about how he would die without me, all those are just lies. LIES!! My best friend pointed a really good point. She said the moment I said that she might have mistaken my bf for somebody else, she knew how much I love my bf. To the point where I created all reasons on behalf of him. Thinking about what she said, I got to admit that she was right. I was in denial. I didn't want to believe that he is just like any bastard out there who treats a girl like that. I wanted to believe that he was special, that he was the ONE for me. Maybe I'm wrong after all. I really don't know if I would stay on in this relationship right now. But one thing for sure, if I were to stay, he really have to work really hard to regain my trust for him again but right now, right exactly at this moment, my trust-o-meter towards him is way, way below zero.

I guess like what everybody told me, my only mistake was to be blinded by love. Me, a cynical, sceptical person when it comes to matters of the heart, could fall prey to something that couldn't be explained by any logical reason. I guess love does hit you when you least expected it. All those times when he made me believe that he loves me more than I love him, it's just a ploy for him to get away with things that he did. He took advantage of my naivety, my innocence, and most importantly, my love for him. I'm really a stupid, stupid fool. I gave him the ultimatum just now. I'm giving him one FINAL chance and that's all he have from me. A final chance to redeem himself. I'm giving him the chance to regain my trust with a condition though, I'll be setting a time limit for him to do so. I would not be telling him how much time he has to regain my trust, but if during that period of time he is still not able to regain even the slightest trust from me, I'll let him go for good. That's my final decision. Right now, it's a matter of getting the courage to execute such plans. I have no problems about giving him one final chance, it's the part where if he is able to gain my trust. I really pray that when the time comes and I really have to walk away, God really has to give me all the courage He can summon in me to walk away for good. To walk away from all the pain, hurt, disappointment that the end of this relationship has given me. Until then, it's just a matter of waiting around and looking at how he's performing. Also, I'll make him repay every sacrifice I made for him. I know I sound really petty right now but frankly, I think I deserve to take back what belongs to me. Sigh...life sure sucks real bad right now. Missions to accomplish:

i)Concentrate on MPPL and Media Audiences assignments
ii)Stop feeling pitiful for myself
iii)Stop crying at every available opportunity
iv)Get a grip of myself and go on with life

As long as I can accomplish all four of the above, I'm safe for the time being.