6th April 2005

I know it's been a week since I last wrote this down but I was pretty busy lately and didn't have time to put this up. Whatever that is pasted below was how I felt on the 6th, not of late.

A Very Broken Heart

Sometimes, no matter how much preparation you did to prepare yourself for the inevitable, no matter how much you tell yourself that you'll be ok when the actual truth is out, things don't always turn out the way it is, especially when the ugly truth decides to directly smack you on your face to wake you up.

When I came to the conclusion that my bf's been cheating on me, I prepared myself to find out more about his secret rendezvous. I suspected that K wasn't the first girl he had been having an affair with and that there were many more. I prepared myself for it, for the ugly truth to descend on me. But when if finally did, I could hear my heart break into another million pieces on top of the other million pieces that has formed a pile at the bottom of my heart. I realised that the supposed happiness and bliss that I felt for the past 4 years were actually fabrication of lies and deceit. And that the most foolish person in the world right now is me. I was so taken with his sweet words, his declaration of love to me, that I fell hard, really very hard in love with him, even more than I would admit.

I've survived nearly 48 hours without shedding a tear, but now, I find them flowing down like there's no tomorrow. I know I should direct my attention to something more productive like my studies and my assignment but useless me can't stop thinking of anything but the lies that I believed for more than 4 years. I should have walked away when I had the opportunity. When we broke up briefly in 2003. I should just continue walking away without turning back for a second glance, because that second glance has cause me all these pain that I felt now. Friends had told me that I deserved better. Some knows the whole truth of my sacrifices, some don't. I am very, very tempted to walk away. But my low self-esteem prevented me from doing so. I have to build up a big enough courage in me before I am able to walk away. And also, it's not easy to walk away from a 4 year relationship as one thinks. Imagine one putting in all effort and sacrificing so much to make a relationship work, and then imagine walking away from it, leaving everything that one have built. I decided to stay on a little while more not because it was such a pity to leave such a long relationship behind, but rather, I want to disassociate myself with everything that I've done before I'm ready to leave.

He's a really good actor. He really deserves to win an Oscar. He is such good an actor that I believe I'm not the only one fooled by him, but also his family. To his family, and also myself, I'm his official gf, a woman that he wants to marry in the future. But behind our backs, he's been with God knows how many girls and he was so good at covering his tracks that he was never caught by anybody til now. I knew he was a playboy when I met him. He told me that he changed, that he didn't want to play with any girls' feelings and that he's ready to commit and I believed him. Old habits die hard. A leopard's spots never changes. Yet, I'm foolish enough, naive enough, innocent enough to believe that he truly had changed and that I'm his one and only. He may not be my first bf, but he is my first love, the first guy I've ever love. However, I know I should not base on this fact and stay on in a relationship that will only do me more harm emotionally and mentally. Time is what I need now to build that courage and walk away.