4th March 2005

A Time Of Grief

I have not blog for ages. But then, there’s a fairly reasonable reason for it. First off, for those who do not know, I’d been working during the holidays in Uncle Andrew’s company as an administrative clerk. Pay’s pretty good considering that I’m just a clerk but then, I guess that’s the perks of being the boss’s niece. Everyday after work, I was just too darn tired to do anything. All I did when I reached home were to have my dinner, take my bath, sit around watching tv for an hour or two and then I’m off to bed. Travelling to and fro Penang everyday is very, very tiring. Especially more so during peak hours.

Another reason why I’ve not been online and blogging was my Granny. Granny’s gotten pretty sick for the past 1 or 2 years and somewhere in October or November last year, she was even admitted to the hospital for a couple of days because her sugar level dropped drastically one day. It gave us all a big scare, especially me in KL cause I couldn’t see her at all and I didn’t know how she was doing. Thank goodness at that time, she got over it and was back to normal within a week. After that scare, I started to prepare myself that she won’t be with us for long. But deep inside me, I was still praying that she’d be able to last long enough to witness my graduation. But no matter how hard I prayed, God just didn’t want to answer that prayer cause two weeks ago, 21st February to be exact, she was taken away from us forever.

Before Granny got admitted into the hospital recently, I was spending most of my free time and weekends with her and mum. Taking them out for meals, taking them out to shop for Chinese New Year stuff, basically just spending all my time with her. I brought them to the new Secret Recipe outlet in Autocity because Granny’s never been there before. And even though she complained that it was expensive, it was worth spending my money there because she was enjoying her food and digging into her food happily.

Granny was admitted into the hospital a week before CNY. I was on my way back home from work on a Wednesday when Mum called and said that she’s sending Granny to the hospital. When I met up with Mum in the hospital half an hour later, she told me that she found Granny gasping for air when she reached home after work and that Granny was disorientated and could barely recognise her. When the doctor came out from the emergency room, he promptly informed us that Granny’s heart was beating pretty weakly and that caused water to fill her lungs. Thus, the gasping for air. He told us that she needs to be admitted into the ICU so that they can monitor her condition closely. Surprisingly, she got better that night and the next day, she was up and about even though she still has to use the oxygen mask to help her breath. I spend several hours accompanying her during the day and she was talking to me, gossiping about people. Later that night, Mum and I were there to accompany her and we were even joking bout stuff. When two of my cousin sisters came, she can even rebuke what they said and made all of us laugh.

Unfortunately, from the third day onwards, her condition deteriorates rapidly and caught us all unprepared. She didn’t want to wake up or even bother to open her eyes when we went to visit her. We tried feeding her and she will open her mouth for us to feed her food but she still refuse to open her eyes. She just continued sleeping and Mum and I brushed it off that she was very tired for not sleeping well for the past two nights. But that night, alarm bells rang in my head when I noticed that she’s not moving her right limbs but I brushed it off as being paranoid. What I suspected came true on the fourth day of her admission. I asked Mum to question the doctor during his morning visits and after sending her for CT scan, they confirmed that she had a stroke because there were brain clots on the left side of her brain. My heart constricted badly when I heard the news but Mum and I ploughed on bravely. There was even a physiotherapist who came and taught us how to exercise her limbs and we diligently moved and exercised her limbs throughout the day.

On the fifth day in the morning when Mum went to the hospital to see Granny, Granny’s blood pressure dropped all of a sudden and her oxygen saturation in the body dropped to a low level of 60% and continued dropping. The doctor came and said that she wouldn’t last long and asked if Mum wanted to bring her home since old, Chinese tradition depicts that old people rather die at home than in the hospital. After questioning all the options, Mum finally decided to send Granny home so that she could passed away peacefully cause that’s what Granny really wants. However, when she got home, instead of her condition deteriorating, it improved. Yes, she was still having difficulty breathing and all, but her right limbs that she couldn’t move at all was beginning to move a lot. And she got stronger as the day passes by without food, oxygen or drip. At the end of the day, we decided to send her back to the hospital after she had a look at everybody who rushed back to see her thinking it was her last day.

Granny spent the next two weeks or so in the hospital before Mum transferred her to an old folk’s home because there was nothing much to do for her except to give nursing care. We can’t send her back home because Mum’s working and I’m here in KL studying. Basically, there’s no one at home to make sure she’s ok or give her any care. That’s the disadvantage of having an only child. Anyway, when she was discharged from the hospital and admitted into the home, her condition was improving and we expected her to hold on for a couple more months. But on the third day in the home, she just took one last breath and left us forever. When I received the news of her death, I didn’t break down and cried like I expected but rather, I felt numb all over. I was incapable of crying then, I couldn’t feel anything except for numbness, I was restless, I was basically just in a state of shock for the whole night. The only thing that I was grateful and happy was the fact that Granny passed away in peace. Without pain and discomfort. It’s just one last breath and ‘bye bye world’.

When I got home and saw her lying in the casket looking so peaceful, I finally broke down and cried. At the same time, I thank God that He made sure that she was at peace when He decided to take her away from us. The rest of the week until Granny’s funeral passed in front of me in a state of blurness. I barely ate anything and I was tired everyday, not from crying but from staying up late every night sitting beside Granny’s casket and burning joss paper. I was also tired and irritated, not to mention frustrated with some of my aunts who had nothing better to do than to gossip and create all kinds of politics and arguments during that week. As if Mum and I do not have enough in our hands to handle, we had to act as peacemakers and sometimes, we ended up being the villain in their ‘war’.

After Granny’s funeral, after everyone left and only Mum and I were at home, I can’t help feeling at how quiet the house is and in a way, how lonely it is. When Granny’s around, she’ll always on the tv loudly or else, she’ll be gossiping or complaining about someone. Or if she went to bed early, I can always hear her bed creak loudly whenever she turns even though I’m out in the living room. All of a sudden, I just miss her so much, so dearly that it hurts deep inside and I just start to rebuke myself for the times when I was rude to her, for the times when I answered back whenever she reprimand me, for the times when I was impatient with her, for the times when I argued with her, for the times when I showed my disrespect towards her…I knew that it was no use for me to regret about the things I’ve done and I knew that no matter how naughty I was, she’ll still always forgive me and continued loving me. Yet, I wished I could turn back time and treat her a little better than before. That is why whenever somebody asked me how am I regarding Granny’s death, I always tell them that at least, I did spend all my free time accompanying her, taking her out when I was back home or else, there would be an even bigger guilt and regret in me now.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve stopped crying or that it doesn’t hurt anymore whenever I talked or think about Granny. It still hurts a lot and I still cry if I’m alone, but I’ve slowly accepted the fact that the next time I’m home, I won’t be able to see Granny anymore or take her out for her favourite food. I’m still grieving over her death but time is slowly healing my heart…time…that’s what I need…