15th March 2005

I'm Struggling

It's been over 3 weeks since Granny passed away but it seemed like to me like she's gone for a very long time now. I'm slowly but surely getting better as each day passes by. Of course there are times when I still cry thinking about her but it had begun to cease day by day and now, I try to store every good memory I had of her in me so that sometimes, I can take them all out and smile instead of cry when I think of her again. I have a picture of her, Mum and I when I was three and everytime I look at it, I find myself smiling slowly instead of breaking down and cry.
Eventhough I'm slowly getting over her death, I still find myself struggling everyday to finish my required readings for the all 3 of my units. I find them extra dry compared to last year and whenever I think of the assignments that we had to finish, I shudder. My confidence in me and my studies, confidence about the fact that I'm good in my studies are slowly breaking down, dissolving into nothingness. All my insecurities, worries and low self-esteem are slowly seeping into my life. I find myself being ultra sensitive at times towards my friends actions or words eventhough I know deep down inside that it's actually only a small matter. I find myself constantly worrying if I've offended any of my friends and if they'll desert me or start ignoring. At the rate I'm going, I'm really afraid that I'll go back to the old me. The me who was a wallflower. The me who was submissive to everybody. The me who everybody can push around easily. The me who constantly wants to please everybody to be accepted.

The last couple of years, I've changed quite a bit. I may be quiet at times or at the beginning when I first get to know people but those who know me well would testify without hesistation that I can be loud and fiesty and out going if I want to. I thought that I had finally gotten rid of the old me but I guess I was wrong. She was hiding around behind the new me, lurking, waiting for the right time to come out. I'm struggling behind closed doors right now. Struggling to get a hold of myself. Struggling to stay the way I am now. Struggling to improve myself. Struggling in my studies. In short, I'm just struggling for everything.

I did not tell anybody that I'm struggling because I do not want to burden anybody. If somebody shows me kindness, no matter how tiny that act is, I'm really touched and happy. But how often do one come across kindness? Thus, I'm slowly sinking into depression that I don't even understand and I'm struggling against it. I do not want to be depress! It's depressing to be depress. There are so many things that I want to accomplish. There are people who depends on me, namely my Mum. Yet, even with this knowledge, I find myself wishing that I could die. Then I would no longer have any worries or problems. But then again, death doesn't solve everything. Death is not the solution to everything. How often have I said that to my friends I do not know. But my own words keep haunting me that eventhough I wished for death to fall upon me, there's still a rational side of me, a small little voice that's telling me to be strong, that everything will be all right.

Somebody...anybody...please help me........