A small reflection about life

I remember feeling that I was at the end of the world, back then when I was 10 or 11. Then, I was backstabbed by a girl whom I treated as one of my best friends. Because of her jealousy (can't even remember what she was jealous about), I was friendless for the rest of my primary education. The final 2 years of my primary education was hell to me. I live by with only acquaintances and that for me wasn't enough. See, I am an only child, born to a single mother. Dad died even before I was born. My friends mean the world to me. I depended on friendships to survive life. I love my friends, care for them, will do anything just to make them happy, just to make them like me and continue being my friends.

Thinking back, I'm really amazed at how I managed to get on with life then. I remember feeling utterly miserable, that life was at its end. Yet, being the proud old me, I refuse to share my sorrow and misery with my mum. Rather, I lived with it for more than a year before I finally broke down and told my mum everything. Fortunately, the problem changed me to be a better person. I became more independent. I tried to make something good out of my life. I became less of a spoilt brat, rather, maturing way faster than my peers. I learn to take life as it is and make the best come out of the worst that I was facing. But most importantly, I changed. And that change is good.

Even after everything went back to normal after that 2 years, I realise that at every turn, at every opportunity in life, there will be all sorts of problems facing us. And those problems will inevitable change us. Just like what Mabel said, it's up to us to make that change good or bad for us. A few years down the road after that friendless, miserable childhood, I came face to face with another problem. This time, I did things that I regretted. Things I wish I could turn back time and rectify. I was horrible during that period of time. I rebel in every way possible in a very subtle way right to the point where Mum didn't even realise the change in me. That change was bad. Very bad. But after I realise the mistakes I made, realise the hurt, pain and disappointment I caused everybody, I changed again. To be better, to be happier. To be what I was, to be exact, to what I am today.

Life was blissful for me these few years. Sure, there's that occasional problem. But other than the slight glitches that occured in life, I had my peace. Until now. I understand what Mabel and Zeng are trying to say to me. I've thought hard about it. And I come up with this: Why is it possible for me to go on with life with problems when I was young and why isn't it possible now? I compared myself, now and then, and I realise, I was so much stronger when I was 10. I could still continue going to school and do well in my studies even though my private life was practically non-existent then. Sure, I screwed up my life a little when I was 16/17 by turning into a little monster but after that I was still able to make the best out of things and became an even better person. But most important of all, I became tougher, physically and mentally. I find myself doing things I never thought possible, things I never dream I could do. I find myself living a life as it should be lived.

I should not let the death of a loved one break me into pieces. I should not keep on holding the grduge against the man I love to stop living life. What I SHOULD do, is to pick myself up and climb again. What I SHOULD do, is to make the best out of what I have now. What I SHOULD do, is to keep working hard and smart, to keep the things I've achieved so far and to accumulate more. What I SHOULD do, is to see that "change is normal" (quoted from Mabel). We, as human, as children of God, know that bad things happen for a reason, that He allowed it to happen to us in order for us to change, to be better, to reflect in life, to draw close to Him again. At the end of the day, I wonder if it isn't GOd's way of telling me that He's tired of waiting for me to take my own sweet time to serve Him again, that He's allowing all these things to happen so that I will draw close to Him again, to tell me that He still loves me no matter what I did in the past, no matter how I felt I've sinned against Him.

My thoughts are still all over the place. I still have not come to a certain decision of what to make of my life now. One thing for sure, I'll start from the bottom by slowly climbing the uphill task of life again. By climbing these steep stairs, I'll find myself again. Maybe the "me" I find will be a little altered, maybe not. Whatever it is, I pray that the "me" I find will find the courage and spirit in the younger "me" to go on with life and accept change to make the best out of it for myself and those around me.

p/s: Thanks Mabel and Zeng for the words of wisdom.
p/p/s: Zeng, still have no idea who am I do you? LoL