Everything-less?
I feel like I'm not up to form these days, especially at the beginning of this semester. I'm not sure if it's because of my Granny's death or that problem I have with my bf, I don't know what it is, but I know for sure that I feel restless these days.
I don't know what I'm studying half the time, I feel like only my physical being is in class and my mind some where else, I feel so lost this semester. Really, really lost. And worst of all, I don't think I'll be doing very well in my studies this semester. Sure, I may have gotten pretty ok results for my tests so far but assignments and project wise, I'm just so, so lost.
Take MPPL's assignment for example. I had Mabel's help where she gave me an idea, an outline to approach the question yet, when I'm sitting down in front of my computer, I don't know what the heck I'm writing half the time. I just went on and on blabbing and typing words without really registering the whole thing into my mind. And Media Audiences' case study...Oh goodness! I have a really, really bad feeling that I went out of topic, that I blabbed about things that were not significant to the question, things that were not relevant at all, and then I started justifying my actions. Yet, at the end of the day, I knew I went out of topic. I just hope Sham would have mercy on me and give me a much more passable grade. *groans* Oh, and let's not forget how I was literally 'shot' down my Sham during tut presentation on that print ad I did. I got to admit, what he said or commented then was right on the bull's eye. I feel my creativity running away from me, I feel stupid half the time, well most of the time. I don't know what's going on with me anymore.
All those plans I made out for myself, all those aims, it all seem so far away from reach right now. I hope that Sham's impression on me wouldn't go down the drain for the shoddy work I presented then. I hope I still have half the respect from him as my lecturer and frankly, I just feel useless this semester. Even when I'm around Mabel, even Serene, I feel useless, I feel stupid, I feel inadequate. Sometimes, I feel like I don't know how to talk to Mabel anymore. I don't know what to say to her, I don't know how to communicate with her anymore. In fact, come to think of it, other than Jo, I don't know how to communicate with my friends anymore. Whenever I talk to Mum these days, I'll go rambling, talking unnecessarily. Maybe I just didn't want her to be worried about me. I don't know. My feelings are all over the place right now...
I feel moody most of the time. I seldom laugh these days and even when I did, it was not because things or situations are funny, I'm just sort of like forcing myself to laugh. I fell small all the time. I feel hopeless, I feel soulless, I feel spiritless, I feel everything-less, if there's such a word though I doubt it. I feel like I'm at my lowest point now and I hate it, I HATE it!! I hate feeling like this but it is so much easier to continue staying at the bottom rather than picking myself up and start climbing to the top again. It's so easy to wallow in self-pity than do something to counteract it.
Why do human beings have to go through one problem after another? Why do God create humans to be such complex beings? Why can't we just be simple? Isn't it much easier for humans to get along with then? Then, we wouldn't have politics, we wouldn't have war, we wouldn't have so much death around us, but most importantly, we would all be content with what we have, with what God gives us. Why do we have to be so complex and face depression, problems in life, love and whatever? Why? Why? Why?!
Things are pretty off for me right now. Even though Mum's a friend to me at times, this is one of those times where I can't tell her anything as a friend. God,life's so tough for me these days. I feel so unmotivated to do anything about it. Oh God, please, please give me a reason to continue on this shitty life of mine!
posted by gracieq @ 1:08 AM
2 Comments:
Hi piggy, when i finished reading this post, i recognised such feelings immediately.
"Everything-less" weight down our emotions, and made us feel rather empty. It is like there are alot of stuffs that require our attention, but we couldnt care less about them because of our emptiness inside. There is no more motivation to push us to do things, to talk, to play, to "everything" at all. While in that kind of situation, life seems to be purposeless and meaningless. On one hand, we are pretty much contented with what we have, and on the other hand, there seems to have no where for us to look forward to. Can you relate with that?
After been struggling in all these years, i have come to learnt to take life easilly. And i am still learning because there are too many doubts and uncertainties in my future. On one hand, i realize that i have no idea what my future would be like. And on the other hand, i have to focus on my present and plan out my future simualtaneously as much as i could according to the goal that i set before me.
May be you can try looking at things through another perspective; like try to "pretend".
"Why? What is the good of pretending to be what you are not? Well, even on human level, you know, there are two kinds of pretending. There is a bad kind, where the pretence is there instead of the real things; as when a man pretends he is going to help you instead of really helping you. But there is also a good kind, where the pretence leads up to the real thing. When you are not feeling particularly friendly but know you ought to be, the best thing you can do, very often, is to put on a friendly manner and behave as if you were a nicer person than you actually are. And in a few minutes, as we have all noticed, you will be really feeling friendlier than you were. Very often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you had it already."
As i dont want you to get a wrong idea of the above statement, i had included the context of it. The statement was by C.S Lewis in his book Mere Christianity. In that particlar chapter, he was trying to explain how a creature can be turn into a child of God. At first, he gave us the distinction between "beget" and "make". A carpenter beget a boy; a carpenter make a chair. God beget Christ; God made us. From here, Lewis gave us a suggestion of how becoming children of God is really like.
As relating to the "emptiness" or "everything-less", may be we could pretend, in the good way, to be friendly, helpful, and accomodating. I had try it and it works for me.
=)
When life gets you right to the bottom, the only way to go is up.
Things happen for a reason. You could dwell in the questions, in the wonderment of it all OR you can choose to make the best out of it, toughen yourself, strengthen your soul.
We all have our ups and downs - remember what I went through early last year? It affected my work, you guys...and well, look at things now. I still go through some shitty patches, I have my bad days but sometimes I count my blessings.
I don't know about Serene or the rest of your friends, but I, for one, don't need a talkative person. Sometimes what matters is the little that has been said - not the many. I have faith in you and thus, I don't push my way in.
Sometimes people need to be left alone to do some growing up. Sometimes we need to stop talking in order to start listening. It doesn't mean that anything has changed for the bad - it just means that things have change.
And change itself is normal. Remember?
Reasons to continue on living? Well, because you have much to explore in life - true love, the world, everything and anything. There are loads of people out there who wish they had longer to live, that they had your life...treasure what you have - bad and all.
You'll understand why all this happens when the time comes.
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