16 days had passed since I ended it. "Ended what?", some of you may ask. My relationship with Al, the one and only relationship where I had put in so much work and tears for the past 4 years and 10 months, is finally over.
Yep, I'd officially join the singles rank again for the past 16 days. And it looks like I'll be staying single for quite some time.
When people around me, namely my friends and Mum, found out that I've ended the relationship, the most important question that all of them asked without fail was "Why?" Why end it? Frankly...I've had enough of this emotionally abusive relationship. The moment I ended it, everything became crystal clear to me. I look back at the past and realised that all this while, I'd been blinded by love. No wonder so many people always testify that love is blind. I've never thought that the same phrase would be applicable to me. Now that it's finally over, only is it clear to me that I REALLY had been blinded by love.
All these years, I'd endured all sorts of shit and crap from him. All these years, I'd defended him whenever anybody spoke about a single bad thing about him in front of me. All these years, I'd took the initiative to change my temper for him, to be more understanding towards his career. All these years, I'd done so much for him and yet, each time, he doesn't even notice the things I'd done for him. He doesn't notice the sacrifices I had to make because I wanted to see him happy. He doesn't notice that I've changed my temper for him, to please him. All these years...down the drain just like that.
Quite a number of you who follows this blog knows about the whole affair about him cheating behind my back a few months back. Well, the "infidelity" was the catalyst of the motion of things which lead to the demise of this relationship.
The moment the girl, K, approached me and accused me of being the 3rd party, life became an instant hell to me. I was struggling with my studies, my life for so long that I never thought I'd see the day when I'd picked myself up through the pieces to face life again. Yes, what I went through can be a testament of how great a love I felt towards Al. My life just crumbled around me and my heart, my poor, poor heart was broken into a million, billion pieces. I was crying myself to sleep practically every night. It was one of these nights when flashes of memory begun to crowd around my head.
I begun to recall about things that people had told me. There were a few people, with no connections whatsoever between them, who came to me at different times and different places, all telling me the same thing - they saw Al getting comfortable with other girls before and none of those girls were me. Now, how could different people who do not know each other, at different times and different places all told me the same thing? It couldn't be coincidences. Yet, I continued to defend him, telling these people that they had mistaken him for another guy, that he would never, ever cheat on me.
But that one night, I had finally awaken from a dream and came to realise that what these people told me are true. I'd been such a fool all these while, believing all those sweet whisperings from him, proclaiming that I'm his one and only. Still, I gave him a final chance to redeem himself when he told me that he has proofs that would show that he is innocent, that he has never, ever cheated on me before. I gave him more than 6 months, in fact it was close to 7 months, to produce those evidences. Yet, at the day I ended our relationship 16 days ago, there isn't a single shred of evidence to prove that he is truly innocent. One would think that he would go to great lengths immediately to produce those evidences to me when I repeatedly told him that I do not trust him anymore, especially when he kept on saying that he really loves me. I really thought at that time that he is as keen as I am to work things out, to keep the flame alive. But once again, what a fool am I! Whenver I question him about those evidences, he would start to get really defensive and said that he's innocent and that he doesn't need to show anybody, anything. So...at the end of the day, I'm just an anybody to him. I'm not the girl he claimed he truly love. I'm nobody, just anybody.
These last 4 years and 10 months had seen me sacrificed nearly everything for him. I sacrificed my friends, my social life, even my studies at one point in time, all for him. Thank goodness I still have some good common sense in me to not sacrificed my entired studies for him. I fought for what I have today. I worked bloody hard to get what I have today. The successes I'd achieved so far in my studies were things I worked really hard for. I thought he would be really happy for me. That he's proud of me. Yes, he might be all that in front of me, yet behind his eyes, I could tell that he wasn't too happy that he's gf is smarter than he is in studies. He was feeling insecure. Or at least that was what he claimed whenever he was accused to be a workaholic.
However, looking deep into the past of this relationship, I'd come to a conclusion that all these years, he was feeling insecured all the time. That explains his jealousy, his mistrust. Then again, that doesn't give him the right to cheat on me. He always said that he trusts me, but he doesn't trust the people around me. To me, and many other people, that sort of statement is equivalent to not trusting me at all. He wants me to change to be as conservative as he is, or at least more conservative than I am now. He wants me to be lovey-dovey towards him all the time. He wants me to be this, he wants me to be that, he wants me to be everything that he wanted. Yet, whenever I asked him to change one single aspect of his character, he made a BIG deal out of it, proclaiming that there's nothing that needed to be changed in him. I started asking myself, "Why must I always be the one who have to change? Why can't he change for me for once?" And not surprisingly, my friends asked me the same questions. Ironic isn't it?
The last 6-7 months had been truly miserable for me. Yes, I gave him that one last chance, thinking that he'll take advantage of it to fix our relationship, make it better, make things work between us again. I could never be more wrong than thinking that. It was obvious that he wouldn't be producing any evidences soon. In fact, I don't think that there is any evidences whatsoever to prove that he is truly innocent. We argued every other night about it, and the nights when we're not arguing about him producing those evidences, it would be fights and arguments over the smallest matter ever. Even when we meet face-to-face in those rare occassions during my holidays, we fight, literally. Yep, quick movements of hands and legs were involved in the process. And those fights were pretty violent too. I was so sick of the fighting, so sick of the crying, so sick of being taken for granted, so sick of being neglected, so sick of everything. I couldn't take it anymore. I just exploded one night, somehow found enough courage, and finally ended the relationship for good.
Yes, I do mourn over this relationship once in a while. After all, it's been nearly 5 long years that I've invested so much in it. But I've gradually moved on. Although it was barely 16 days ago, I find myself letting go of everything bit by bit, memory by memory. And this is when I've come to the conclusion that I've gradually love him less with each passing day since...I don't know when. Yes, the relationship is finally over, kaputt, the end. There's no chance for us to get back together in the near future unless he change for good. However, come to think of it, even if he changed for good, I'll be thinking many times over before getting myself back into an emotionally abusive relationship.
I'm enjoying my newfound freedom as a single as I typed away. Although it may be a tad lonely at times, but at least I finally have my freedom as an individual again.
