I'm a little angry and disappointed...

To say that I’m not disappointed or not even a little angry at D is a joke. I expected her to comfort me because that’s what friends are for, even if they came in the form of housemates. But no, I went to her with my plight, and she gave me a “oh no, not this again” sort of look.

It all started in the evening when I received a phone call from Mum. She was crying hysterically over the phone without saying anything, even after I said “hallo” several times. That was when panic mode started to sink in in me. Mum finally said something and she said that Granny couldn’t really move and that she couldn’t recognise anybody. At first, I couldn’t make sense of what she was telling me. She just asked me to talk to Granny over the phone even if Granny couldn’t response to me or give me any answers. That was when all the tears came flowing out non-stop even though I knew that I shouldn’t be crying. When Mum answered the phone again, I quickly stabilised myself and asked Mum to do so. Then I asked her for an explanation. Mum gave me a brief explanation on what happened. Seems that Granny’s been sleeping the whole day. Even though Mum tried to wake her up and asked her to take her meals, she refused. Somewhere in the evening, Mum realised that Granny had urinated in her bed and that she was spitting out her saliva like a small little kid. Mum kept calling her but she gave no responses, only making nonsensical noises. Her eyes were looking everywhere and gave no sign of recognition of Mum. Mum said she had already called my uncle and that he was on the way. Finally, after comforting her a little while more, we hanged up and I called my bf.

Trying to call my bf was a difficult feat. I called every number available to him and he didn’t pick up any of his f**king phone. I was crying hysterically at that time because the feeling of helplessness was just washing me over, I could barely contain it. After much dialling and still no answer, I finally called my bf’s home and asked him Mum if she could get him. His Mum was kind enough to called him, from his mobile phones to his shop’s phone but she could not get him also. Finally, she called me back and asked for Mum’s number so that his dad could talked to her and find out what really went wrong (my bf’s dad was a doctor). And during this whole time, I was just sitting on my bed, staring into nothingness.

After a very long while, I needed the comfort of a friend and went out to tell D, who was having her dinner at that time. She did not only not comfort me; she rebuked me for crying over the phone when Mum called. She said that Mum called me for strength, not for me to cry along with her. Though I admit that what she said makes a lot of sense, that was not what I was expecting. I was in a state of hopelessness, all I wanted was some comfort. Somebody to tell me not to worry, that everything’s gonna be ok. Or even to give me a hug. Her reaction not only disappoint me, it also angered me. Just because she’s been through this kind of experience doesn’t give her the right not to care about other people’s feelings. If she’s angry with me for certain reasons, she shouldn’t have bring it in and sort of like rub it into my face when I’m in this situation, should she? It isn’t my fault that her friend sort of ignores her whenever we went out yum cha and talked a lot to me. I tried to pull her into the conversation but she did not really participated in it. She said she felt ignored, as if she was transparent or made out of glass because her friend was a very, very old friend of hers. It just isn’t my fault if her friend finds talking to me amusing. Why does she have to be so…mean?

I turned to her for comfort because I treat her as my friend. Even if she knows that my reactions are way overboard and unnecessary, she shouldn’t show me that she’s not interested. The least she could do was tell me, “I’m sure it’s gonna be ok. Don’t worry. It’ll be alright.” I mean, that’s what friends do right. When Weiling’s grandmother was going through a rough patch of time, I was there to comfort her. I couldn’t give her hugs because the conversation took place over the phone but if she was right there and then in front of me, I would give her hugs. In fact, I told her that everything’s gonna be alright even if I feel that it wouldn’t. I comforted her the way she expects me to comfort her. Why? Because I knew that she turned to me because I’m her friend. She knew that I’m gonna be there for her, to comfort her, to give her a sense of security when things are not right. She knew that even though whatever I said is not necessary true, that things will not be ok, she still wanted to listen to me say that, but why? Because it’s comforting to hear. When a person is shrouded by hopelessness, the most important thing to them then is C-O-M-F-O-R-T, comfort.

So D, if you ever come across this blog, and if you ever read what I’ve said and understood it all, please, please think before you act or in this case, said something. What you said and did hurts me a lot because I treated you as a treasured friend. Maybe you don’t treat me as that. I don’t know but please, when I tell you my problems, when I’m sinking into hopelessness, I turn to you because you’re my friend and all I wanted from you was a little comfort. That isn’t too much to ask from is it?

Contemplation of My Life

Sometimes I look around me and see my friends so happy with their significant other. And I feel so happy for them, that they’ve finally found somebody to share their lives with. I look at their happy faces, faces that spell satisfaction in life, and I feel happy for them. I feel that I’m sharing a part of their happiness, well…literally that is. I could see that they are basking in love, love for their partners, and vice versa. And I’m glad for all of them. But after looking at all those happiness and love floating around me, I in turn, turn around and question myself, “What about my life? My love? Am in happy where I am today? Or am I just hanging around for the sake of it?”

I’m not trying to complain about my love life here or whatsoever. Just trying to contemplate if this life is what I deserved. Or if I could have done better. So, please bear with all the ‘what ifs’ that are coming this way.

There are times when I looked back, and I find myself really happy with my bf. I was basking in love and happiness and my world literally revolve around him. But several years down the road, I’ve begun to grow up. I’ve realised that my life cannot revolve around him and him alone and thus, a journey of self-discovery begun. I looked at my life, and the life that could have been mine if I’ve taken a different path. I asked myself if I would ever change that and the answer is no. But now, I sometimes ask myself, “Am I ready to commit myself to only one person?” He is the very first guy I’ve ever loved in my whole life. He may not be the first bf, but he is my first love. And without him, I wouldn’t be where am I today. Confident in myself, being more street wise, better at judging people, independent, etc. But what if he’s only meant to come into my life to make it better, but there’s somebody else who would be sharing it with me for the rest of my life? What if he’s not the one I’m really meant to be with? I still love him. Or at least I think I still do. There are times when we’re talking on the phone and I feel overwhelming in love with him. Yet, there are times when I do not feel that love. In fact, I’m not even sure if there’s love there at all. The times when I’m ready to give up, the feeling just come and knock me over, telling me not to end it cause deep down inside, I still do love him in my own way. I sometimes wonder how well our love will stand the test of time. If it would last til I return home from Ozzy. Or if the love would just gradually vanish into thin air during that time. Funny, sometimes I feel that our love is already gradually vanishing and disintegrating into nothingness now. I don’t feel his love as much I did in the past. The ‘I love yous’ sounded forced and as if part of routine. Sometimes, I even question myself if he’s forcing himself to continue to love him because we’ve been together for a few years now and he’s just too lazy to return to the singles world to look for a better partner than me.

Enough about my love life. Let’s take a look at my family. I know that each and everyone’s family is quite complicated in their own way. But why, WHY, did God ever have to take my father away from me before I was even born? Why did God not give me the chance to feel his love before He takes him away from me? From my Mum? I look around and see people around me having a Dad, a Dad who loves them unconditionally for their whole lives, a Dad who’s always there for them, caring for them, being a part of their lives. And I take a look at my own life. For my whole entire life, the only person who has always been there for me is my Mum. There are times when she couldn’t be there for me, where she fails, but she is human after all. And I love her eternally for being a wonderful mother to me. Yet, sometimes, deep down inside me, I truly yearn for the love of a father. A masculine love if you could name it. I know I always act brave and let people know that I don’t f**king care that I’ve never experienced fatherly love before but deep inside, I do care. And I’m not brave. I used to blame God for taking him away from me. And yet, I try to justify God’s action and console myself, telling myself that God loves him too much for he is such a good man that God became selfish, that God took him away cause my father is a near perfect man and deserves to enjoy the best of the best up in Heaven. Sometimes, I really envy Josephine. Although her dad had also passed on, at least she was lucky and blessed enough to enjoy his love and attention for 6 years. It was better than nothing. Me? I had nothing. Nothing! I’ve never had the opportunity to enjoy his love and attention before. Not even for several years, months, weeks or even days. All that I have of him is his pictures, and memories from people who know him. Who constantly tells me what a good man my father was. Well, guess what?! I don’t want to know about it, I just want to feel it…

I’ve never been good at everything I do. Or at least, I’ve never been the best of the best in anything and everything I do. My best I would do, yet, there’ll always be somebody out there who will do better than I do. I’ve learned the piano practically my whole life. Yet, hard as I try, I’m never really good at it. I’ve trained Taekwon-do since I was 9. Yet, no matter how hard I trained, how I try to get my moves impeccable and precise, I’m always at the bottom of the pyramid. Sure, I’ve gotten a few gold medals here and there, but it’s all because of teamwork. Put me in individual rounds and I’m not even good enough to go into the second round. I’ve learned German for nearly 2 years, and now, if you asked me string a perfect German sentence, I’m not even able to do just that. People around me, especially my family constantly tells me how good my English is and how good I am at writing. But still, I find a lot of flaws in my writing. I know that writing is never perfect, but as a partial perfectionist in English, I constantly criticised my own work and at times, ridicule myself for writing so poorly. People around me are gifted in something. But what about me? I’m good at nothing, no matter how hard I tried. Since Primary 1 up to Secondary 5, I’ve always been in either the first or second class, but I’m not very good at my studies. I tried my very best. I slaved myself to my books, constantly burning the midnight oil just to get past my exams. Yet, my teachers take a look at my results and said that I could have done better. Same goes to my Mum. But people, have anyone of you ever think that I f**king did tried my best? That I’ve already poured out blood and sweat to get what I’ve gotten? Yet, people around me still said that I could have done better. That what I’ve gotten is not good enough. But have they ever thought that maybe I’ve already reached my limit? That what I’ve churned out is already my best? Nope! Nobody had ever thought of that. All they could think of is how lazy am I, all they could think of is how inadequate I am, how stupid I am. Am I such an inferior creature who will constantly be good at nothing? Sure, I’ve gotten Ds and HDs in my assignment, but are all that results a really sure sign that I’ve finally found something that I’m really good at? Or am I at the top for now and slowly going down the hill as time passes by?

I’ve always asked myself a lot of ‘what ifs’. What if my father is still alive? Would I still be who am I today? Or would I be more like him instead of my Mum? What if I’m a child prodigy? Would I have to constantly struggle in my studies? What if my family is rich? Do I still have to spend as thriftily as I have to now? Well, there are still a lot of what ifs from where it came from, but at the end of the day, I guess I’m sort of happy the way my life has turned out. I’m quite sensible and sensitive to others, all thanks to my Mum. I’m sometimes quite thrifty and I can be quite mature in thinking if I want to, all thanks to my Mum again. I’m family orientated, yet when time need be, I can be fun and party orientated. I can lead if I’m asked to do it. I’m independent and passionate about a lot of stuff. I like what I’m studying now and I can be quite a workaholic sometimes (according to my Mum). I guess I should stop contemplating about my life and be happy with how it has turned out. I’m surrounded by family and friends who like me as I am, who loves me for what I am, and who wouldn’t really want to see me change at all.

Don’t make light of oneself because everyone has limitless potential

I guess I should start looking at myself as somebody who has a lot of potential. Just like the saying above. I should just stop criticising myself too much and be happy with myself. Oh well, until then though…

Just an ordinary day, except for...

The day actually started out quite uneventful. I went for radio class as usual at 11am just like any Thursday and was given a big surprised when my lecturer told me that we’d be having a mock concept test. The test was not too difficult, rather we have to use a lot of common sense to answer most of the question. Which was not too bad coz then, I should be able to do quite ok in the real concept test next week.

After the test, my friends and I went for lunch, where we met CW and her bf and her bf’s two friends there. It was rather obvious that her bf didn’t like us. Must be CW telling her bf all kinds of sob story about us bullying her behind our backs. She is such a bitch sometimes. Anyway, I went over and told her that Sham, our radio lecturer, asked her to collect her desktest results and cassette from his table and she didn’t even bother to say thank you to me. Plus, all my friends complain that the way she looked at us when we walked past was so suspicious. As if she’s keeping a big secret and she didn’t want us to know. Oh well, it doesn’t matter to me. As long as she doesn’t come around looking for trouble with me, I’ll just mind my own business and stay clear away from her. She is, after all, quite famous when it comes to backstabbing others.

Anyway, we returned back to college after lunch and went straight to look for Wadi, our radio studio assistant and the diploma students’ lecturer. Talked to him about our edited interview package which will be sent to Murdoch to be assessed and later joke about all kinds of things with him. He’s a really nice guy for a true Malay blooded male. Plus, he’s quite cute to boot for a Malay guy. You could say that he’s not the conventional Malay sort of guy. He’s also very friendly, and treats most of us as friends rather than students. Of course if we were to compare him with Aref, our ex radio studio assistant, Wadi is not as knowledgeable as Aref, but he works hard to understand the equipment so that he can assist us should we need any help.

We left the studio after half an hour or so and met Soo Heng, our Marketing lecturer on the way. She asked us to go for class first even though our tut class is at 3 instead of 2, because the Murdoch’s coordinator for Marketing will be in at 2 and he’ll be giving us tips on how to answer our final exams and tips on what’s gonna be out for our test 3. And off Chip and I went. The rest of our friends were either in the computer lab at that time, or some had even gone home by then. We attended the class til 3 where we listen to what George Graham, the coordinator had to say, then went and bug Wadi about our radio editing software again. We met Shalini, Diana and Morrow in the studio and saw their really sad faces but didn’t think much about it. That is until Diana blurt out that she and Shalini had already received their Textual Analysis marks from our Writing’s lecturer, M. They were moaning and groaning about how cruel he was with the marks that he had awarded them that it got me and Chip really worried about our marks. One of the reasons was because M told the whole class that somebody plagiarise in our class and that somebody happens to be a female. Which got Chip and me really frantic when we heard about it on Tuesday. In fact, it got all the females in the class really frantic, coz we didn’t know if we did plagiarise or not…even if we did, we must have done it unintentionally or something like that. The fact is, M shouldn’t have told the class that somebody plagiarised. He should have handled the case on a one-to-one basis with that person who plagiarises and decide if he should announce to the class. It is unethical to tell the whole class and even hint on the gender of the person. By doing so, everybody will be suspicious of everybody. Which is very humiliating when people finds out the person who plagiarises and started to inadvertently boycott her. M didn’t even tell our coordinator that somebody plagiarises when he should. He is soooo irresponsible. However, I would not want to complain much about him until the semester is over for my marks and results are now at the mercy of his hand. *sigh*

Anyhow, Chip and I finally decided to go and asked him for out marks anyway. When I got back my paper, I was so nervous that I didn’t really want to open it and find out what my marks was cause I fear that he will mark my paper biasly since he’s sort of prejudice towards me. I was expecting a Fail or the most a Pass there, but to my big surprise and shock, there was a big D instead, a distinction. Phew! I was so happy that when I left the office, I just hugged Chip and nearly broke down into tears. Esther came by and was shocked to see my big reaction there. For a second there, she thought that I’d failed or something until I told her my results. She laughed and congratulated me instead and gave me a really big bear hug. Chip did really well too. She had gotten a HD for her paper, a high distinction. Haha…smart girl! She was actually rather shocked than happy to see the HD in front of. In fact, she kept on asking me if she really deserved the HD. Aside from being the smartest person in the class, she sometimes do not have much confidence in herself. However, I find this naivety in her characteristic to be really fresh. The world is constantly surrounded by people who always have something up their sleeves but when you meet somebody like her, mature enough to churn out really good arguments in her assignment but naïve in certain ways, you will see the world in a whole new different way. I’ll really miss her and her crazy, naïve ways when she leaves for Ozzy next year. =(

The D in my Textual Analysis was the second surprise of the day. The first was the mock test. The third surprise is the phone call I received at 7.30pm just now. A staff from KDU called to inform me that I’ve been shortlisted for the KDU Merit Scholarship. *pumps fist into the air* I was actually taking a nap at that time, but when I heard the lady over the phone told me that I’ve been shortlisted, I was wide awake immediately. I mean, I didn’t expect to get shortlisted when I applied for the scholarship in August. I was just giving it a shot, never thinking much or expecting much about it. Even though the scholarship awarded is not much, at least that’s what my friends told me, I’m very, very happy to be shortlisted. I’ll be attending an interview regarding the scholarship before they decide whether they want to give me the scholarship. Frankly, even if I did not get the scholarship, being shortlisted for it is good enough for me. It shows that I actually DO have the potential to do well enough in my studies for certain parties to consider giving me a scholarship. I know Mum is really, really happy for me. I could tell from her voice when she called me later. I’ve actually proved to her that I AM smart enough to excel in my studies but I think she’s happier than I am. Hehe…I bet she’ll be calling her best friend to tell her the good news soon about my getting shortlisted.

I’ve cautioned Mum not to tell my uncle about the scholarship or any financial help I’ve been getting. Although he did not offer to loan Mum his maid to take care of Granny, he’s been sort of like doing his part by dropping by in the afternoons and buying lunch for Granny, to make sure that she’s ok. Mum’s been telling him that the expenses on Granny’s medication for her high blood pressure and cholesterol is taking a toll on her, what with her needing to give me allowances and what nots, and he’s been providing bit by bit of money to Mum to help out with Granny’s expenses which is a good thing. What I’m worried about is when he finds out that I’ve gotten financial help in my studies and he decides Mum’s expenses is not that heavy anyway and decided not to chip in a lumpsum of money to help out with Granny’s expenses. Mum promised not to tell him. After all, telling him would not be advantageous to us.

I know I made us sound like an advantageous bunch, my Mum and me. But we’re not. I’m just reminding Mum to take back what he owes her and what’s rightfully hers. Who was the one who gave him the money for the down payment of his first house? My Mum. Who was the one who gave him the money to start a business of his own? My Mum. And who was the one who loan him RM20-30k in cash when his business had to buy some materials in cash and he didn’t have the cash and didn’t want to let his wife know? My Mum. It’s all because of my Mum that he is what is he today. Mum didn’t want to take out her savings for him on his business, she rather keep it and invest in my studies instead. In fact, the money that she loaned him was meant for my studies. But because my Mum loves him a lot, after all, she’s the one who took care of him since young and Mum’s always loved him as her own brother, she finally took out that much money and loaned it to him. Even when she didn’t really want to. It’s been years since he borrowed that money from my Mum. But right to this day, he still has not returned every single cent to Mum yet. Sure he did once in a blue moon, returning only RM1-2k at a time, but lately, before the whole thing with Granny, he hasn’t been returning Mum the money. Even when she told him that she needed the money to pay off my fees. I told Mum that she has to be firm with him in order to get back the money. Why should I sacrifice my studies just because he did not bother to return the money in time? I continue telling Mum that if she doesn’t ask him back for the money, I would. Mum’s been really cunning lately, trying to get back every single cent that he owes her so that she can save them up for my studies and also for rainy days. I’m really proud of her whenever she told me that she had asked my uncle for money and he returned it to her. I don’t find anything wrong in asking back for something that is rightfully hers.

Oh well, enough of the ranting and raving for the day. All in all, I’m just very happy that I’d gotten a D for my Textual Analysis and that I’d been shortlisted for the scholarship. ;)

To Answer Back or Not to Answer Back

Sometimes, I feel that it’s best if we just keep quiet instead of making a comment no matter how much we wanted to. For if we make a comment or two, it will probably land us on hot water or worse, we’ll probably be penalised or people will hate or dislike us because we fail to keep our mouths shut at that moment. I’m talking in part about the scathing remarks and replies on our WebCT with Murdoch students itself for MRM, at the same time, I’m also talking about it as a general comment.

A Murdoch student in the internal campus itself make a comment that a lot of us here in the KDU campus do not agree with and some of us were kind of pissed off with the comment because it’s somewhat bias and does not represent us as a whole. The student’s comment really ticked me off to, and I was thinking of replying something to tell her off but thought better of it. Instead I choose to keep quiet and let it be for fear of provoking the anger of the unit coordinator there who’s very partial to her students. Unfortunately, a couple of my coursemates did not think twice about the consequences and decided to say something to tell that student off which result in the coordinator condemning us by making very scathing remarks that indirectly insult our intelligence. Now, the whole class is in constant fear that she’ll penalise us for our final report which will be sent over to Murdoch to be marked by that coordinator. If she chooses to be bias and penalised us, there’s nothing much our lecturer here could do about it. Hopefully, she will not be bias although all of us think otherwise. *sigh *

As a general comment, I’ve always feel that we should always bear with some comments no matter how scathing there are if our replies will result in us digging our own grave. If our career or our lives depend on somebody, we should try to bear with it and just keep our mouths shut no matter how much we wanted to rebut cause you might never know when that person will make our lives miserable because we choose to answer back. If you really cannot stand that person, try to go around him/her and talk to somebody more superior than that person. Some of you might say that it’s bitching but if that person is making not only your life but everybody’s lives miserable, somebody should take action instead of waiting to see who would take action and be the ‘good guy’. Alternatively, if you choose to rebut, is it really worth it? Your life might get even more miserable than it is already and you have to live and bear with the consequences of your words because of a slip of the tongue. It’s quite similar when dealing with parents. Of course you can’t go around your parents and complain to somebody more superior than them, cause your grandparents or relatives will call you an unfilial child. Parents are human after all, and sometimes the things they say are really too much and overboard. But as their children, we should tell them politely that they are wrong instead of bursting into anger and use words that we’ll regret for life. Or, we could choose to keep quiet. Frankly, no matter what the choice is, it’ll either end up with us being miserable or them being miserable. Being the child of a single parent, I rather I be miserable than make my Mum miserable. Even though my Mum is sometimes kind of impossible, I’ll try to tell her nicely that she’s in the wrong. Or, I just wait for her to cool down before telling her what I really think about her outburst earlier.

Oh well, every one of us is entitle to freedom of speech. But please, sometimes when executing that freedom, think twice about the consequences it will have not only on others’ lives but also your own. It is just not worth it to make your life miserable unless speaking up is for a just cause.

Sad and depressed over Granny

I’m really worried about Granny these days. The short conversation I had with her just now on the phone gave me a really big shock. Her words are all slurred and she can barely talk properly. Plus, she sounded so lifeless, so unenergetic. It was really hard to register in my mind because I’d seen her a couple of weeks ago and she’s still quite ok. Not to the point of not being able to talk properly in proper sentences. When I heard her voice so weak and lifeless over the phone, I just felt like crying on the spot. It felt like she’s slowly slipping away from life, from all of us who loves her so much.

It all started with a SMS from my Mum on Friday. It was actually a SMS to inform me that the notification letter for me to collect my IC is here and I had until end of Dec to collect it. The next sentence that follows it was something about my Granny not feeling too well these days. I sense panic enveloping my body gradually and tried pushing it away. It was not the time to go into panic mode yet, it’s the time to think rationally and try to make sense of how unwell she’s feeling. Plus, the feeling of having period cramps then only served to make me feel even worse.

Anyhow, I managed to get myself home by 3 something and called my Mum to ask about my Granny. Seems that Granny’s been very disorientated these days. On a Tuesday morning, Mum left work as usual but Granny was still asleep and Mum didn’t want to wake her up for she sense that Granny’s tired. But later in the evening when Mum called home to check up on her, nobody answered the phone and Mum felt dread all over her body for she feared that something might have happened to Granny. Thankfully, work was nearly over then and Mum rushed home to check on Granny. When she reached home and saw the locked grille and door, she nearly went into a panic mode. When she entered the house, she saw everything untouched and thought that Granny had died or something. She started calling out for Granny and when she replied, Mum felt very much relieved.

Thing is, Granny thought that it was early in the morning when it was late in the evening. She had gotten her time mixed up real bad and that was why she slept the whole night and day through. The next day, she was feeling so weak and groggy that Mum didn’t really want to go to work but she had no choice. During lunchtime, she rushed home to take a look at Granny and bought her lunch. Mum insist on bringing her to the doc but Granny refused and insisted that Mum go back to work and that they will only go to the doc at night after Mum finished work. And that was what they did. The doc gave Granny a thorough check up and said that she had high blood pressure, something that she has never gotten before even at such an old age. Her diabetes went up and the doc even mentioned that there’s a possibility of her getting heart attacks as years passes by. The doc prescribed some really strong and expensive medicine for Granny to take to control her high blood pressure. After taking the medicine, Granny felt much better that very night and throughout the whole of Thursday. But come Friday, and she’s back to feeling unwell again. Mum even had to take half the day off to stay at home and make sure that nothing happens to her.

At first, I didn’t give much thought to how serious her situation was cause Mum has been filling me in with updates on Granny and this time round doesn’t sound as serious as the past few couple of months. I didn’t really register the seriousness of her situation until I heard her voice over the phone. My heart just felt like breaking into pieces hearing her feeling so weak over the phone. If possible, I rather take her place and feel all the pain that she’s feeling. And Mum said that she’s been talking funny these days. It’s all about seeing my dead father and great-uncle and great-grandmother. Granny even said that she felt somebody at home moving things around when Mum’s not around. That’s really spooky and scary. I can’t help feeling that she’s gonna leave us very soon.

I asked Mum if my uncle knew about her situation and if he’s been coming for visits and what nots. She replied that he knew and that he’s visited her twice so far. For a very long time now, I’d been very disappointed at the way my uncle treats my Granny and I find my respect for him gradually dissipating in the air as I gradually grew up and matured. I hope with Granny’s situation being like that, he will offer to loan his Indonesian helper to come and look after Granny during the day especially since Mum’s working. Frankly, if he doesn’t offer to do anything to help Mum out with looking after Granny, I’m gonna feel further disappointment over him and will probably lost even more respect for him. After all, Granny was the one who looked after him throughout his whole life til the day he got married when his own mother was too lazy to take care of him. He’s been living with her and Mum for over 20 years. And now that he’s quite successful, he sometimes neglects her, instead always choosing his wife’s family over us, over Granny especially. I can tell that sometimes Granny is very disappointed with his actions but she never said a word about it. Never complain or scold. She just takes it in her stride and refuses to see his weaknesses. Sometimes, I just felt like yelling at him. Questioning him how he could ever treat the one woman who sacrificed so much and took care of him when his very own mother was such a lazy bum, how he could treat her like this. Questioning him why he can’t be bothered to place an importance on her. W-H-Y? And Granny loves him more than she loves Mum. And this is how he’s gonna repay her? By waiting for the time when it’s gonna be too late to do anything else. If he doesn’t offer to help Mum out in looking after Granny and if anything happens to her, I don’t think I can ever forgive him. For with his resources, he WILL be able to find a way to help Mum out to take care of Granny during the day when Mum’s at work but if he’s unwilling, I really have nothing to say anymore. I just hope that by the grace of God, that He’ll prolong her life long enough to see me graduate with my degree. That’s the one and most important wish right now for me. That she’ll be able to see me wear “the hat” and know that she’ll be so proud of me…

Period Cramps

I hate having period cramps! I'm not the type who gets the pain and cramps religiously every single month. So that's quite fortunate for me. But during those unfortunate months where I had to bare with the pain and the cramps, I just wished somebody could take me out of misery. A time like now! And it sure doesn't help that I'm in the computer lab, which is freezing cold in here. I'm not sitting directly under the air-cond but since the lab is not that big, my fingers are beginning to feel like ice and I can barely type properly.

Anyway, I'm stuck in the lab because it's been ages since I last actually sat down in front of the computer and surf the Internet for stuff. I was trying to update myself by reading my friends' blogs, checking emails and updating the college Mass Comm Club blog. Only managed to wrote in one entry for the club blog though. At least that would get Esther, the club president and Mabel, the club advisor of our Webpac's tail for a little while. Oh, by the way, the techie group of us handling the emails and blog are known as the Webpac, thanx to Aaron's suggestion that is.

Ugh! The pain is really killing me. I wish I had a gun so I can shoot myself. On second thought, I wish somebody had a gun so that they can shoot me since I'm quite a coward when it comes to shooting myself. There are times when I had quirky thoughts and think what death would feel like, but at the same time, I'm so afraid of that. I guess my faith in God is still shaking as it is. It's never been really that strong even since I left high school. Oh well, I'm slowly trying to walk with God again no matter how difficult it is. Hmm...come to think of it, maybe I'll start by praying to God and asking Him to take this freaking pain away from me. But then, maybe he'll think I'm an unfilial child who only comes to Him whenever I needed something. =P

Well, will be going to the Angel-Mortal revealing thing later. Hope I don't die of cramps later on though. Or else, I might just go in and say hi and then leave at 3. Speaking of Angels, I'm really gonna bloody fire off my Angel when I find out who he/she is. Not a single mail at all. Come to think of it, I may be one of the unlucky ones where I don't have an Angel! Sob Sob! Oh well, that's just too bad for me.