Contemplation of My Life

Sometimes I look around me and see my friends so happy with their significant other. And I feel so happy for them, that they’ve finally found somebody to share their lives with. I look at their happy faces, faces that spell satisfaction in life, and I feel happy for them. I feel that I’m sharing a part of their happiness, well…literally that is. I could see that they are basking in love, love for their partners, and vice versa. And I’m glad for all of them. But after looking at all those happiness and love floating around me, I in turn, turn around and question myself, “What about my life? My love? Am in happy where I am today? Or am I just hanging around for the sake of it?”

I’m not trying to complain about my love life here or whatsoever. Just trying to contemplate if this life is what I deserved. Or if I could have done better. So, please bear with all the ‘what ifs’ that are coming this way.

There are times when I looked back, and I find myself really happy with my bf. I was basking in love and happiness and my world literally revolve around him. But several years down the road, I’ve begun to grow up. I’ve realised that my life cannot revolve around him and him alone and thus, a journey of self-discovery begun. I looked at my life, and the life that could have been mine if I’ve taken a different path. I asked myself if I would ever change that and the answer is no. But now, I sometimes ask myself, “Am I ready to commit myself to only one person?” He is the very first guy I’ve ever loved in my whole life. He may not be the first bf, but he is my first love. And without him, I wouldn’t be where am I today. Confident in myself, being more street wise, better at judging people, independent, etc. But what if he’s only meant to come into my life to make it better, but there’s somebody else who would be sharing it with me for the rest of my life? What if he’s not the one I’m really meant to be with? I still love him. Or at least I think I still do. There are times when we’re talking on the phone and I feel overwhelming in love with him. Yet, there are times when I do not feel that love. In fact, I’m not even sure if there’s love there at all. The times when I’m ready to give up, the feeling just come and knock me over, telling me not to end it cause deep down inside, I still do love him in my own way. I sometimes wonder how well our love will stand the test of time. If it would last til I return home from Ozzy. Or if the love would just gradually vanish into thin air during that time. Funny, sometimes I feel that our love is already gradually vanishing and disintegrating into nothingness now. I don’t feel his love as much I did in the past. The ‘I love yous’ sounded forced and as if part of routine. Sometimes, I even question myself if he’s forcing himself to continue to love him because we’ve been together for a few years now and he’s just too lazy to return to the singles world to look for a better partner than me.

Enough about my love life. Let’s take a look at my family. I know that each and everyone’s family is quite complicated in their own way. But why, WHY, did God ever have to take my father away from me before I was even born? Why did God not give me the chance to feel his love before He takes him away from me? From my Mum? I look around and see people around me having a Dad, a Dad who loves them unconditionally for their whole lives, a Dad who’s always there for them, caring for them, being a part of their lives. And I take a look at my own life. For my whole entire life, the only person who has always been there for me is my Mum. There are times when she couldn’t be there for me, where she fails, but she is human after all. And I love her eternally for being a wonderful mother to me. Yet, sometimes, deep down inside me, I truly yearn for the love of a father. A masculine love if you could name it. I know I always act brave and let people know that I don’t f**king care that I’ve never experienced fatherly love before but deep inside, I do care. And I’m not brave. I used to blame God for taking him away from me. And yet, I try to justify God’s action and console myself, telling myself that God loves him too much for he is such a good man that God became selfish, that God took him away cause my father is a near perfect man and deserves to enjoy the best of the best up in Heaven. Sometimes, I really envy Josephine. Although her dad had also passed on, at least she was lucky and blessed enough to enjoy his love and attention for 6 years. It was better than nothing. Me? I had nothing. Nothing! I’ve never had the opportunity to enjoy his love and attention before. Not even for several years, months, weeks or even days. All that I have of him is his pictures, and memories from people who know him. Who constantly tells me what a good man my father was. Well, guess what?! I don’t want to know about it, I just want to feel it…

I’ve never been good at everything I do. Or at least, I’ve never been the best of the best in anything and everything I do. My best I would do, yet, there’ll always be somebody out there who will do better than I do. I’ve learned the piano practically my whole life. Yet, hard as I try, I’m never really good at it. I’ve trained Taekwon-do since I was 9. Yet, no matter how hard I trained, how I try to get my moves impeccable and precise, I’m always at the bottom of the pyramid. Sure, I’ve gotten a few gold medals here and there, but it’s all because of teamwork. Put me in individual rounds and I’m not even good enough to go into the second round. I’ve learned German for nearly 2 years, and now, if you asked me string a perfect German sentence, I’m not even able to do just that. People around me, especially my family constantly tells me how good my English is and how good I am at writing. But still, I find a lot of flaws in my writing. I know that writing is never perfect, but as a partial perfectionist in English, I constantly criticised my own work and at times, ridicule myself for writing so poorly. People around me are gifted in something. But what about me? I’m good at nothing, no matter how hard I tried. Since Primary 1 up to Secondary 5, I’ve always been in either the first or second class, but I’m not very good at my studies. I tried my very best. I slaved myself to my books, constantly burning the midnight oil just to get past my exams. Yet, my teachers take a look at my results and said that I could have done better. Same goes to my Mum. But people, have anyone of you ever think that I f**king did tried my best? That I’ve already poured out blood and sweat to get what I’ve gotten? Yet, people around me still said that I could have done better. That what I’ve gotten is not good enough. But have they ever thought that maybe I’ve already reached my limit? That what I’ve churned out is already my best? Nope! Nobody had ever thought of that. All they could think of is how lazy am I, all they could think of is how inadequate I am, how stupid I am. Am I such an inferior creature who will constantly be good at nothing? Sure, I’ve gotten Ds and HDs in my assignment, but are all that results a really sure sign that I’ve finally found something that I’m really good at? Or am I at the top for now and slowly going down the hill as time passes by?

I’ve always asked myself a lot of ‘what ifs’. What if my father is still alive? Would I still be who am I today? Or would I be more like him instead of my Mum? What if I’m a child prodigy? Would I have to constantly struggle in my studies? What if my family is rich? Do I still have to spend as thriftily as I have to now? Well, there are still a lot of what ifs from where it came from, but at the end of the day, I guess I’m sort of happy the way my life has turned out. I’m quite sensible and sensitive to others, all thanks to my Mum. I’m sometimes quite thrifty and I can be quite mature in thinking if I want to, all thanks to my Mum again. I’m family orientated, yet when time need be, I can be fun and party orientated. I can lead if I’m asked to do it. I’m independent and passionate about a lot of stuff. I like what I’m studying now and I can be quite a workaholic sometimes (according to my Mum). I guess I should stop contemplating about my life and be happy with how it has turned out. I’m surrounded by family and friends who like me as I am, who loves me for what I am, and who wouldn’t really want to see me change at all.

Don’t make light of oneself because everyone has limitless potential

I guess I should start looking at myself as somebody who has a lot of potential. Just like the saying above. I should just stop criticising myself too much and be happy with myself. Oh well, until then though…