Is it really me at fault?

I’m very tired right now. Tired and disappointed to be exact. I’m tired because I’ve been up and about for the whole day, coping with classes, assignment and my Mass Comm Club blog. By the way, if anybody’s interested, check out the blog at this addy: http://mcdclub.blogspot.com. It’s still rather new and those in charge of it including yours truly, were very busy with our classes and assignments and what nots. So, please bare with the simplistic outlook and boring updates for the time being.

Anyway, back to my usual ranting and raving, I’m very near to pulling my hair out of my head now. Trying to get the MRM Research Proposal done is no easy feat. And it had to be a group assignment. So far, the Research Proposal is finished but needed some fine tuning here and there because Aaron and I did it by cooperating with each other. Our other group member (I shall not name her actual name), C, is suppose to help too considering it being a group assignment but honestly, she hasn’t done much except the usual question pose to me every week, “So, what have we found? Do you need my help to do anything?” To which I’ll tell her that we were still looking for our literature review back then and asked her to look for any whenever she’s free. I guess she’d not been very free because she kept asking me the same question over and over for several weeks. When Aaron finally found 3 journals pertaining to our topic (I tried looking for any literature too but couldn’t found any), we proceeded to get on with the job by asking our senior for advice and also looking for Christine, our MRM lecturer, to check if we are on the right track and to explain anything that we didn’t really understand from the Study Guide.

One senior, Sam, purposely stayed back one fine day just to explain in details to us how to go about doing the Research Proposal. I asked both Aaron and C to stayed back and both did. Unfortunately, only Aaron and I paid attention to what Sam was explaining because C was very quiet all the while and I could tell that she wasn’t really listening to what Sam was explaining because it was really clear on her face that she was zoning off. Hey, I wanted to zone off too because I was in college the whole day and she wasn’t there the whole day except for the one hour class in the afternoon but I forced myself to pay attention because Sam stayed back to help us out when she could have gone up and rest.

The next few weeks after Sam’s help, I did tried to inform her of what is going on in the group assignment since she’s ever so busy working in the weekends and I couldn’t seem to find her after class everyday. I’m just kind of pissed off that she had the nerve to message Aaron tonight and apologised to him for not helping out much in the group assignment while implying that she was ‘seldom’ informed of what was going on in the group. The first thing that came into my mind was, “What the fuck?” Even if we sometimes forgot to inform her, it’s also her duty as one of the group members to come and find out what is going on either from Aaron or I. But no, she did not. Instead, she look pretty relax to me. She even had time to go hang out with her friends in KL and whatever place even when I suggested that we could maybe stay back one day after class to discuss about the assignment. Maybe she didn’t catch what I said. That I don’t blame her. But any person with a good head on their shoulder know that they should ask for updates on what is going on in the group. Is it my fault that she doesn’t know what’s going on most of the time? If she sees me talking to Aaron, the least she could do was to come up and asked if we’re talking about the MRM assignment right? And it’s not like I purposely choose for the time when she’s not around to discuss the assignment with Aaron. We usually discuss in between the 5-10 minutes break we have during class and I did look around for her but I always can’t seem to find her.

Anyway, one day somewhere last week, I asked both of them to stay back after class so that we could come up with something final and get to work on the Proposal. Aaron and I were both discussing and coming up with ideas while she kept quiet. And it’s always in my nature to sum up everything that was discuss and give an informal report on what is going on and asked everybody if they agree or disagree with my interpretation of what was discussed earlier. I did the same during our discussion and Aaron gave me an immediate, “Yeah, no problem.” As for C, she kept quiet for a little while and said that she’s a bit ‘slow’ and she needs time to absorb what was discussed earlier. Ok, fine. So, I passed her the notes that I’d been scribbling furiously during the discussion to her and told her to asked us if she doesn’t understand anything. She took a look at the notes and the journals we found, read them and then return them to me without saying a single word. Oooooookaaaayyy. Fine.

I went to the loo after that and when I came back, Sam was sitting at where I was sitting earlier and guess what? C was talking animatedly to Sam about the assignment and writing some notes down. But when Aaron and I joined in the conversation, she kept quiet and started reading Aaron’s copy of Maxim. After the discussion ended, she just asked, “So, how now?” If she’s been paying attention, she wouldn’t have asked us that question. Even if she asked any question, it wouldn’t be so blunt. Truthfully, I was rather upset then. But I just kept quiet and I guessed it showed a lot in my face. C and I took the hostel bus together and when we reached the hostel, she asked me if she could do anything to help. I was quite happy when she asked and asked her to write the Intro and Research Methods part of the Research Proposal and passed me the draft by Friday or something. It’s quite easy to understand that she has to write them in assignment essay format since I asked her to write a draft and give it to me right? Maybe she didn’t understand. I guess I’m partly at fault for not being clear enough. A ‘draft’ she did give me. But it’s in the form of points. Freaking POINT FORM!!!! And it was the long weekend holiday at that time and we haven’t even written a single word for the Proposal so it’s quite understood that we might need to meet up during the hols to finish the Proposal. But guess what C did? She went to stay over at her friend’s place in Nilai. Again, maybe it’s my fault for not informing her not to go anywhere. But our plans were not confirmed because I thought we could finish before the holidays. And I was out during the nights because of Sam’s birthday.

I asked her one Sunday night if it’s possible for her to go over to Aaron’s place in Cheras so that we could do our assignment there and finish it if possible. That was when she informed me that she’s in Nilai and she asked me, “So how ar?” I’d kind of expected that kind of response from her and asked her to enjoy her holidays. In the meantime, I had to get my lazy bum off my bed early Monday morning to go over to Aaron’s place to finish the Proposal. And finish we did. Although I still have to edit some parts of it on Tuesday. But at least we finished it. Just Aaron and I. Without C’s help whatsoever. I was very disappointed with her. I’d never thought that she would give me this kind of shit. And being the usual me, I’d always needed an outlet whenever I’m angry or stress, so I’d complain a little about her to a few friends, particularly Aaron since he’s in the same group with me. I admit, my fault is complaining or ranting and raving about her to my friends. I admit, I shouldn’t have done it. I didn’t give it a second thought before blurting everything out. But I was just so stressed out and pissed off that I just didn’t give it any second thoughts. I’m not bitching about her. It’s not my intention to do so. I might sound like I’m bitching and I might have done it involuntarily but…what the fuck!

All in all, if we really did not ‘inform’ her of anything that is going on in the group, Aaron wouldn’t have said that he’ll save the message up. I guess he’s not the type to be as vocal as I am about things that are unsatisfactory but if I’m not wrong, he’s feeling the same thing that I’m feeling minus the part of being the Bossy Bitch. Frankly, I don’t really like pulling him into the ‘politics’ and I don’t like being in it myself too but what can we do? I wanted to confront C many times yet each time I wanted to confront her, she’ll say something or offer to do something for the group and I’ll decide not to confront her after all since she’s trying to do something after all. Guess I made a wrong judgement. I should have confronted her. *sigh *