Pre-Birthday Depression

As usual, just like every year, depression begins to set in on my Birthday eve. It's harder this year on me because this year's birthday is suppose to be extra special, and I don't feel extra special or even special at all so to speak. Morning class at 9 started off ok for me. At least Mabel came in to give a guest lecture instead of Mark. If it were Mark, I'd probably be lost half way through the lecture because he sometimes speaks like a bullet train and his words and all mix and it sounds like he's mumbling or something like that. But I do try to make an effort to catch what's he talking about, I try my best at least.

Like I said, class was quite ok when it started out. Until the break. DUring the 10 minutes break that Mabel gave us, I feel kind of left out. My friends were all talking to each other and whenever I walked towards them, they will disintegrate the group and just keep quiet. If they're talking about their MRM thing, they could just tell me what they're talking about and I'll take my cue and walk away. But if they're not, couldn't they just share it with me? I mean, that's what friends do right? Or maybe, I'm just an acquaintance of theirs that happen to hang out a lot with them. But that should render me as friend rather than an acquaintance. SOmetimes when I find out that they go out together during the weekends and I'm not invited(I only find out after they came back from the outings), I feel heavy hearted, sad. Maybe I'm just too sensitive for my own good. There were so many times where I told myself not to care, to enjoy life as it is, without complications and things, but I can't help it. Why must I be so emotional? WHy can't I be built the way a lot of people are to avoid being so sensitive? WHy must God make me the way I am? I don't find myself useful in society. I contribute nothing to God, society or my friends. I'm just one extra soul that God created to put in this world. Maybe His aim in creating me is to add numbers to a world that's already full of population. Maybe when He created me, He had hopes and dreams for me but I dashed them all away when I turned away from him. THere are so many maybes and I wouldn't know which one it is that made me the way I am right now.

My heart hurts when my friends treat me the way they did just now. Maybe they didn't mean it. Like I said, maybe I was just being extra sensitive. But if affected my mood so badly that I was just listening to Mabel's lecture without really registering what she's talking about. As hard as I tried to concentrate, my mind keeps wondering about. Why am I not accepted to the group yet? Why do I keep feeling like an outsider? COme to think of it, why am I so desperate to get accepted? My friends put it to me having a bad mood thus they did not disturb me much. After all, I do get into one of my moods once in a while. And I don't blame them for not askign more questions because they did ask me what's wrong and I just said that I'm tired.

I hope tomorrow would be a better day for me. I don't want to feel sadness, disappointment or depression on the day I was born 21 years ago. It's a special day after all, it's even more special because one only turn 21 once in thier lifetime. It isn't too much to ask for a special day where people remembers my birthday for once and actually celebrate it with me right?