What does he wants me to do?

My bf commented that I did not mention about him at all in this blog save for once, in one of my earlier entries on durians. He told me that he was sad and disappointed that I have not written any entries on him. Which got me thinking, is it that necessary for me to write about him for everyone to know when I rather save it for myself to know and appreciate? He said that I only write about the bad side of him but not the good side. Frankly, I can hardly remember writing anything concerning the bad side of him here except for my short, forlorn piece on LDR.

What does he wants me to write about him, about us? The fact that we argued practically every single day since he was based back in Penang? He even dared mentioned the fact that I did not mentioned even once about him when I was describing about my birthday. What could I write about him then? That he only called to wished me ‘Happy Birthday’ on my once in a lifetime 21st birthday when my friends made the effort to celebrate it with me? I didn’t blame him even once for not making it down to KL to celebrate it with me and yet he wants to complain that I did not mention him at all? There are times when I feel that he’s trying to guilt trip me. That he’s using emotional guilt on me so that I’ll feel guilty and somehow make up by being submissive or what not.

Is it wrong to write what I feel in my own blog? Don’t I have the right to pour out my feelings in my own blog without worrying about the consequences of answering to others who do not like what they read here? Different people have different opinions. Do I have to think so deeply on whether what I wrote will impact others’ lives? I’m trying to be a responsible writer when I blog, but sometimes, feelings that run so deep makes me an impulsive writer. There are things, issues, that I do not talk about with others. Those are things that I rather pour out on paper, or in this case, my very own blog. Why doesn’t he understand that?

Does he wants me to write about the things we do everyday? Like those phone calls? Or maybe on what he said to me? If he expects me to write on what he does for me, I’m very sorry, but I just don’t know what to write about. Oh, maybe there’s one. He gave me a brand new mobile phone for the very first time as a belated birthday gift. I got it when I went to Penang for a couple of days during my holidays. And he’s gonna transfer some money into my account because I’m running of out cash soon. Is that what he wants me to write about? All this mundane issues that people forgets easily but something that I really cherish and do not feel the need to share it with everybody just so that I can keep something to myself? Is this what he really wants? All this I do not know. I’ve already tried my best to tone down my temper a lot especially when he calls and yet, sometimes…I feel that he’s trying to evoke me to argue with him. Why does everything I say and do are all wrong in his eyes? And nobody can answer all these questions but my bf himself.

When I first started this blog, I wanted to write about issues I care about, serious issues that I like to share my opinions on with everybody. But instead, I find myself writing about my life, about the ups and downs of it, about the people around me. It is not necessary for me write about everybody in my life isn’t it? Because if I do, I have a whole lot of people I need to write about. I didn’t even mention about my best friends here. I didn’t mention much about people who helped shape my mentality, people whom I admire for their courage to be who they are, for standing up for what they believed in. Why not some may ask? Because I do not feel that it is necessary to do so. Because I’m feeling selfish and do not want to share such thoughts with others. Is there anything wrong with that?

To my dear bf, when you read this entry, please understand that this blog is an outlet for me to express how I feel. And please understand that sometimes, I rather not write and let everybody know how I feel about you because it’s something private to me, something that belongs only to me and me alone and I have no wish to share it with everybody. I just hope you’ll understand.