What does he wants me to do?

My bf commented that I did not mention about him at all in this blog save for once, in one of my earlier entries on durians. He told me that he was sad and disappointed that I have not written any entries on him. Which got me thinking, is it that necessary for me to write about him for everyone to know when I rather save it for myself to know and appreciate? He said that I only write about the bad side of him but not the good side. Frankly, I can hardly remember writing anything concerning the bad side of him here except for my short, forlorn piece on LDR.

What does he wants me to write about him, about us? The fact that we argued practically every single day since he was based back in Penang? He even dared mentioned the fact that I did not mentioned even once about him when I was describing about my birthday. What could I write about him then? That he only called to wished me ‘Happy Birthday’ on my once in a lifetime 21st birthday when my friends made the effort to celebrate it with me? I didn’t blame him even once for not making it down to KL to celebrate it with me and yet he wants to complain that I did not mention him at all? There are times when I feel that he’s trying to guilt trip me. That he’s using emotional guilt on me so that I’ll feel guilty and somehow make up by being submissive or what not.

Is it wrong to write what I feel in my own blog? Don’t I have the right to pour out my feelings in my own blog without worrying about the consequences of answering to others who do not like what they read here? Different people have different opinions. Do I have to think so deeply on whether what I wrote will impact others’ lives? I’m trying to be a responsible writer when I blog, but sometimes, feelings that run so deep makes me an impulsive writer. There are things, issues, that I do not talk about with others. Those are things that I rather pour out on paper, or in this case, my very own blog. Why doesn’t he understand that?

Does he wants me to write about the things we do everyday? Like those phone calls? Or maybe on what he said to me? If he expects me to write on what he does for me, I’m very sorry, but I just don’t know what to write about. Oh, maybe there’s one. He gave me a brand new mobile phone for the very first time as a belated birthday gift. I got it when I went to Penang for a couple of days during my holidays. And he’s gonna transfer some money into my account because I’m running of out cash soon. Is that what he wants me to write about? All this mundane issues that people forgets easily but something that I really cherish and do not feel the need to share it with everybody just so that I can keep something to myself? Is this what he really wants? All this I do not know. I’ve already tried my best to tone down my temper a lot especially when he calls and yet, sometimes…I feel that he’s trying to evoke me to argue with him. Why does everything I say and do are all wrong in his eyes? And nobody can answer all these questions but my bf himself.

When I first started this blog, I wanted to write about issues I care about, serious issues that I like to share my opinions on with everybody. But instead, I find myself writing about my life, about the ups and downs of it, about the people around me. It is not necessary for me write about everybody in my life isn’t it? Because if I do, I have a whole lot of people I need to write about. I didn’t even mention about my best friends here. I didn’t mention much about people who helped shape my mentality, people whom I admire for their courage to be who they are, for standing up for what they believed in. Why not some may ask? Because I do not feel that it is necessary to do so. Because I’m feeling selfish and do not want to share such thoughts with others. Is there anything wrong with that?

To my dear bf, when you read this entry, please understand that this blog is an outlet for me to express how I feel. And please understand that sometimes, I rather not write and let everybody know how I feel about you because it’s something private to me, something that belongs only to me and me alone and I have no wish to share it with everybody. I just hope you’ll understand.

The End Of A Wonderful Friendship

Sometimes I really do wonder at the works of nature. I’m not talking about mother nature here, but rather the human nature which everyone of us has. How can 2 people be so close to each other several months ago and not talk to each other now? In fact, one person sees the other as an ‘enemy’.

C and I were quite close last semester. When the conflict between JC and me brew out of control because I was accused as a demanding bitch, C was there to support me morally and emotionally. And I truly appreciate her support for without it, there’s a high possibility of me breaking down before the semester ends. We were still close at the beginning of this semester. Frankly, I have no idea what really happen that causes our friendship to deteriorate so badly to the extent of us not really talking to each other anymore. After the confrontation I had with her a couple of weeks ago (which ended up with me getting the entire fault again even if it’s not completely mine), I tried making an effort to talk to her, interact her, as much as possible as if nothing had happened. But I guess one person making the effort alone is not enough. She barely response to me, she prefers to give me one word answers, she doesn’t look at me when she talks, or sometimes, she comes across as rather rude.

I’ve thought of several reasons why we’re not really on talking terms anymore. Maybe it’s because J came into the picture. J was pretty friendly to C first than she was to me and she hangs out with C a lot more than she does with me at the beginning of the semester. But when J finds out from C that my father was also an Air Force pilot and that he died in an air crash like her own dad did, she gradually started hanging out with me, resulting in both of us getting quite close. The fact that our fathers were close friends when both are still alive and the fact that my mum was a good friend to her mum and was there to support her mum when her dad died was another added factor for us to be so close to each other, to support each other. I guess it was partially because of the bond that we are half-orphans and both our mothers are going through the same experiences, because we are the children of dead Air Force pilots, that we’ve gotten so close. Maybe C wasn’t happy about it. Maybe she feels neglected about it. I guess it could be one of the keys that spark off her ‘hatred’ towards me.

Another reason could be because of Aaron. We’re in the same group but Aaron and I talk more often than she does to him because of our Research Proposal for MRM. Somebody suggested that maybe she’s jealous that I’m so compatible with Aaron. *laughs hysterically * I’m not too sure about that, but thinking about it seriously, there might be a high possibility of that happening, though I think the most compatible person with Aaron would not be me, but another friend of mine. =P

There are another few other reasons I’ve thought of but I wouldn’t want to go into details about it. I guess what Mabel said is right. I shouldn’t think too much about it. I should just take an ‘I-couldn’t-care-less’ attitude towards the whole thing because I’m not really at fault here. Oh well!

Is it really me at fault?

I’m very tired right now. Tired and disappointed to be exact. I’m tired because I’ve been up and about for the whole day, coping with classes, assignment and my Mass Comm Club blog. By the way, if anybody’s interested, check out the blog at this addy: http://mcdclub.blogspot.com. It’s still rather new and those in charge of it including yours truly, were very busy with our classes and assignments and what nots. So, please bare with the simplistic outlook and boring updates for the time being.

Anyway, back to my usual ranting and raving, I’m very near to pulling my hair out of my head now. Trying to get the MRM Research Proposal done is no easy feat. And it had to be a group assignment. So far, the Research Proposal is finished but needed some fine tuning here and there because Aaron and I did it by cooperating with each other. Our other group member (I shall not name her actual name), C, is suppose to help too considering it being a group assignment but honestly, she hasn’t done much except the usual question pose to me every week, “So, what have we found? Do you need my help to do anything?” To which I’ll tell her that we were still looking for our literature review back then and asked her to look for any whenever she’s free. I guess she’d not been very free because she kept asking me the same question over and over for several weeks. When Aaron finally found 3 journals pertaining to our topic (I tried looking for any literature too but couldn’t found any), we proceeded to get on with the job by asking our senior for advice and also looking for Christine, our MRM lecturer, to check if we are on the right track and to explain anything that we didn’t really understand from the Study Guide.

One senior, Sam, purposely stayed back one fine day just to explain in details to us how to go about doing the Research Proposal. I asked both Aaron and C to stayed back and both did. Unfortunately, only Aaron and I paid attention to what Sam was explaining because C was very quiet all the while and I could tell that she wasn’t really listening to what Sam was explaining because it was really clear on her face that she was zoning off. Hey, I wanted to zone off too because I was in college the whole day and she wasn’t there the whole day except for the one hour class in the afternoon but I forced myself to pay attention because Sam stayed back to help us out when she could have gone up and rest.

The next few weeks after Sam’s help, I did tried to inform her of what is going on in the group assignment since she’s ever so busy working in the weekends and I couldn’t seem to find her after class everyday. I’m just kind of pissed off that she had the nerve to message Aaron tonight and apologised to him for not helping out much in the group assignment while implying that she was ‘seldom’ informed of what was going on in the group. The first thing that came into my mind was, “What the fuck?” Even if we sometimes forgot to inform her, it’s also her duty as one of the group members to come and find out what is going on either from Aaron or I. But no, she did not. Instead, she look pretty relax to me. She even had time to go hang out with her friends in KL and whatever place even when I suggested that we could maybe stay back one day after class to discuss about the assignment. Maybe she didn’t catch what I said. That I don’t blame her. But any person with a good head on their shoulder know that they should ask for updates on what is going on in the group. Is it my fault that she doesn’t know what’s going on most of the time? If she sees me talking to Aaron, the least she could do was to come up and asked if we’re talking about the MRM assignment right? And it’s not like I purposely choose for the time when she’s not around to discuss the assignment with Aaron. We usually discuss in between the 5-10 minutes break we have during class and I did look around for her but I always can’t seem to find her.

Anyway, one day somewhere last week, I asked both of them to stay back after class so that we could come up with something final and get to work on the Proposal. Aaron and I were both discussing and coming up with ideas while she kept quiet. And it’s always in my nature to sum up everything that was discuss and give an informal report on what is going on and asked everybody if they agree or disagree with my interpretation of what was discussed earlier. I did the same during our discussion and Aaron gave me an immediate, “Yeah, no problem.” As for C, she kept quiet for a little while and said that she’s a bit ‘slow’ and she needs time to absorb what was discussed earlier. Ok, fine. So, I passed her the notes that I’d been scribbling furiously during the discussion to her and told her to asked us if she doesn’t understand anything. She took a look at the notes and the journals we found, read them and then return them to me without saying a single word. Oooooookaaaayyy. Fine.

I went to the loo after that and when I came back, Sam was sitting at where I was sitting earlier and guess what? C was talking animatedly to Sam about the assignment and writing some notes down. But when Aaron and I joined in the conversation, she kept quiet and started reading Aaron’s copy of Maxim. After the discussion ended, she just asked, “So, how now?” If she’s been paying attention, she wouldn’t have asked us that question. Even if she asked any question, it wouldn’t be so blunt. Truthfully, I was rather upset then. But I just kept quiet and I guessed it showed a lot in my face. C and I took the hostel bus together and when we reached the hostel, she asked me if she could do anything to help. I was quite happy when she asked and asked her to write the Intro and Research Methods part of the Research Proposal and passed me the draft by Friday or something. It’s quite easy to understand that she has to write them in assignment essay format since I asked her to write a draft and give it to me right? Maybe she didn’t understand. I guess I’m partly at fault for not being clear enough. A ‘draft’ she did give me. But it’s in the form of points. Freaking POINT FORM!!!! And it was the long weekend holiday at that time and we haven’t even written a single word for the Proposal so it’s quite understood that we might need to meet up during the hols to finish the Proposal. But guess what C did? She went to stay over at her friend’s place in Nilai. Again, maybe it’s my fault for not informing her not to go anywhere. But our plans were not confirmed because I thought we could finish before the holidays. And I was out during the nights because of Sam’s birthday.

I asked her one Sunday night if it’s possible for her to go over to Aaron’s place in Cheras so that we could do our assignment there and finish it if possible. That was when she informed me that she’s in Nilai and she asked me, “So how ar?” I’d kind of expected that kind of response from her and asked her to enjoy her holidays. In the meantime, I had to get my lazy bum off my bed early Monday morning to go over to Aaron’s place to finish the Proposal. And finish we did. Although I still have to edit some parts of it on Tuesday. But at least we finished it. Just Aaron and I. Without C’s help whatsoever. I was very disappointed with her. I’d never thought that she would give me this kind of shit. And being the usual me, I’d always needed an outlet whenever I’m angry or stress, so I’d complain a little about her to a few friends, particularly Aaron since he’s in the same group with me. I admit, my fault is complaining or ranting and raving about her to my friends. I admit, I shouldn’t have done it. I didn’t give it a second thought before blurting everything out. But I was just so stressed out and pissed off that I just didn’t give it any second thoughts. I’m not bitching about her. It’s not my intention to do so. I might sound like I’m bitching and I might have done it involuntarily but…what the fuck!

All in all, if we really did not ‘inform’ her of anything that is going on in the group, Aaron wouldn’t have said that he’ll save the message up. I guess he’s not the type to be as vocal as I am about things that are unsatisfactory but if I’m not wrong, he’s feeling the same thing that I’m feeling minus the part of being the Bossy Bitch. Frankly, I don’t really like pulling him into the ‘politics’ and I don’t like being in it myself too but what can we do? I wanted to confront C many times yet each time I wanted to confront her, she’ll say something or offer to do something for the group and I’ll decide not to confront her after all since she’s trying to do something after all. Guess I made a wrong judgement. I should have confronted her. *sigh *