"I Miss You"

I've always found the words "I miss you" more meaningful and endearing than "I love you". To me, the word 'love' is overused and in a way sometimes, loses its true meaning. When 'love' is utter to many a times, it tends to get routinesed (sp?) and loses its special meaning. I don't know about everybody out there who's in a relationship but sometimes, I really wished he'll say "I miss you" more than "I love you".

We've been in a relationship for more than 4 1/2 years now. Each time we'll end our phone conversations with "I love you". Each time during or after making out, we'll say "I love you". Every single time we end our fight and make peace, we say "I love you". These 3 words seem so ordinary these days because it's been said far too many times. It became very common. Not like the first time I heard him said them to me. The first time, I felt that I was floating on air. I felt so happy that my heart nearly burst of happiness. That first time, those 3 words, "I love you" mean the world to me. But not anymore. Of course it still bears some kind of importance in my life whenever he said it like he mean it. But in a long distance relationship (LDR), I find that I appreciate "I miss you" more than "I love you".

There's a simple explanation for this train of thought. Being in a LDR, I felt that we somehow had to keep reassuring each other that we still love each other as much as we first started out, thus the constant "I love you". However, deep inside, I've always felt that "I miss you" is more sincere than "I love you". Whenever someone says they misses somebody, they really mean it from the bottom of their hearts. And that is how he made me feel each time he says he misses me. I know he really mean it whenever he said that. I know he said it from the bottom of his heart, sincerely saying each word and really means it. And it is during this time that I feel especially fuzzy all over. Just like the first time he said "I love you" to me, these days, a simple "I miss you" is enough to show me the depth of his love for me. Far better than using the L word itself. *sob* I truly miss him so much.

Unexpected Statement

Instead of staying in and doing research for PR assignment as planned, I went for a movie instead with Jo and James in 1 Utama yesterday. Reached 1U slightly past 2 and went straight for lunch because of our growling stomachs. Bad decision because we should have went and gotten the tickets first. Unfortunately, we're so used to going out during weekdays and forgot the extra large crowd that visits shopping malls and cinemas and thus, was unable to get the tickets at the time we wanted. Sigh...mental note to self, must remember the extra large crowd that visits shopping malls and cinemas in the future.

Anyway, we were unable to get the tickets for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and have to settle for Bewitched, which was scheduled for a late evening show at 7.30pm. The time we got our tickets - 4.00pm. It was a rather undaunting prospect thinking about spending 3 1/2 hours doing nothing while waiting for the show to start but soon, it all proved well spent. Erm, well spent for shopping that is. It's be quite a while since I went shopping. So imagine the surprised I had when I discovered that there was less than an hour left to the show when we were finally sick of going into shop after shop and decided for a drink somewhere. We finally settled for Starbucks and that was where the unexpected statement was made.

Jo decided to get her eyebrows trimmed and reshaped and left James and I sitting around in Starbucks having our coffee making small talk. Main topic of the day was about friends and the ups and downs associated with them. I told him how my friends left me out from everything without truly noticing it thus rendering my life in the final year of high school a living hell and making me feel totally miserable. I also told him how being miserable drove me to the extreme and I created problem after problem for myself. I told him how I neglected my studies during that period of time and even contemplated suicide (yes, I really did wanted to commit suicide then because of depression, which unfortunately, nobody even notices because I was good at hiding my feelings then). Fortunately, my Mum found out about some of things I've done and broke down in front of me, crying because of what I've done. It was then that I felt myself to have awoken from a long nightmare. I was so guilty for what I've did, of how I've disappointed my Mum and let her down that I promptly decided to make things right and concentrate on my SPM. Unfortunately, I only had a month's time left before the exams and no matter how hard I studied, I only managed to clinched 3A's during that national exams.

It was during this particular revelation that James looked so shocked. He find it hard to believe that I've only gotten 3A's in my exams because according to him, "You're GQ wor, one of the smartest girl in our programme!" In turn, this unexpected statement gave me a shock for I've never seen myself as smart. Throughout my life, I see myself as only an average student, always failing to get the best results no matter how hard I worked for it. Even when I joined the Murdoch programme, I still see myself as an average student and constantly push myself to do my best. The constant mental pushing in my part produced results that were pretty unexpected in my life because I've never gotten such results before. For the first time in my life, I could feel that my family, especially my Mum, were so proud of me. It was the first time in my life that I felt so good about myself.

Reflecting on James' unexpected statement, I still do not consider myself as smart. What I've gotten so far, the good results and the scholarships that were awarded accordingly, I see that all as a blessing from God. I guess I'm finally in the right path now and God decided to reward me for finally choosing the correct path with results and scholarships. In the meantime, I'll continue pushing myself to the limit, pushing myself to continue get results that have been so unexpected in my life.

7th August 2005, 5.10am

Clubbing

A sudden thought just hits me. I realised that each time I went clubbing with my friends, there would always be a ton of story for us to share after clubbing is over and we're sitting down at the mamak stall enjoying our drinks before going home for the night.

Take today for instant. 7 of us went clubbing - me, Jo, Desiree, James, Devi, Andrea and Jo's friend, Adeline. When we were at the mamak place an hour or two ago, we were exchanging stories about some of the people who were there. Most of them were about how 'chi ko pek' (desperate men looking for girls in hokkien) some of the men were and some, about how desperate some of the girls were, trying to 'service' men they just met. Well, you get the idea. Some of the things we discussed - how some guys try to hit on some of us, how some guys were really nice to us, how some girls just let young boys grope them, etc.

Many things happened in the club. Some guys wanted to take advantage on us girls but we were smart enough to handle them. We either walk away from them, or turn around and glared at them, or the best part was, how we pushed them away as hard as possible. The last method was good enough an idea for the guys to get to know that we're not desperate for them.

However, all was not bad. There were these 2 Chinese guys who were pretty nice to us. One stepped on my leg a couple of times when he was shuffling to the music. Accidentally stepped on my leg of course. He apologised to me a couple of times and after that, whenever some guys around us girls were trying to give us a hard time, he did stepped in and try to help us a few times. A really nice guy. Meanwhile, his friend was interested in Jo and tried to get her number. In the end, before we left, she gave him an old number that she wouldn't be using anymore. But that guy is also quite a nice guy. He did sort of helped his friend to fend off some unwanted attention from us.

Overall, I guess the night was pretty enjoyable. Although the music could be better. James, Desiree, Devi and Andrea decided to adjourned to Waikiki, another clubbing spot, to continue with their clubbing because they had not enjoyed enough. As for Jo, Adeline and I, well, we're just too tired to joined them and decided to come home to get our rest.

I hope that this clubbing moment would be able to satiate us for quite a while. The next few weeks are gonna be very, very hectic for each one of us and we needed to enjoy ourselves to the max now, knowing that we would be unable to do so for quite a while. *yawn* Boy am I sleepy. Off to bed now and til next time.

6th August 2005

Some Effects of Globalisation in Indonesia

During Globalisation tutorial yesterday, Sham showed us a special documentary done by John Pilger, the famous photographer, on the effects of globalisation in Indonesia. The documentary was entitled "The New Rulers of the World" if memory serves me right. It talks about how the Indonesians were underpaid in factories belonging to rich and branded companies such as Gap and Nike. There was some secret filming shown in the documentary which was taken by Pilger when he visited those factories posing as fabric buyers and some snippets of interview with some of the employees of the factories. What was revealed was a fact many of us had long known about but momentarily refuse to acknowledge because it did not happened in our country. When the truth was bared to me through the documentary, I realised that I've been a hypocrite for quite some time now.

Before leaving high school, I was not really a brand conscious person. I don't mind not having branded things to use as long as it's fashionable enough to be worn out of the house. I've only started to be aware of all things branded after I left high school. Branded clothings were still not important to me although there were times that I wished I would be able to afford it so out of peer pressure. When I started the Murdoch programme, I begun to shun branded clothings because of what I've learned through my classes about some effects of globalisation. "The rich are becoming richer, the poor are becoming poorer". I'm sure that is a statement many have heard before but are not truly aware that it is referring to the effects of globalisation.

The statement is stark true in Indonesia. Factory workers or rather, menial and blue collar workers had to work long hours on wages which are less than nearly USD$1 a day. And the sad part about it, they had to bear with it and take it as their fate instead of doing anything to rebel for when they rebel, they will lose their jobs. Losing their jobs is equivalent to losing their only rice bowl to feed their families and provide them with medication to the sick. Nearly all the factory employees had no idea that the products they produce for these rich companies are actually gaining lots of profits in other countries when they were only paid a few pennies for each product they produced. And then, there were all those controversy about Suharto and how his cronies managed to get financial help from the IMF and the World Bank when all the while, most of the money coming in to supposedly help the Indonesians to upgrade their standard of living were only helping the Suhartos to get richer while the poor and uneducated remained so. Pilger interviewed some representatives about this issue but all of them were spinning stories to save their asses while protecting the centre or instutition that they are working for. What I've seen from the documentary only serves to sadden me and for a moment there, I felt helplessness washed over me and that was when I realised that I was being such a hypocrite.

I used to shun branded things knowing the truth behind the products that were produced and how much hardship those people producing such goods were facing. I used to tell myself that I would refuse to support such slave drivers, such rich people who only care for themselves while ignoring human rights. And here I am, getting brand conscious as the day passes by. It is something unavoidable when everybody around you talks about brand and buy branded stuff and I guess my own personal opinion about shunning such brand things are not strong enough. For if it is strong enough, I wouldn't be influence into looking, admiring or even buying such branded stuff. The documentary had helped me realised what a hypocrite I've became and from this moment on, I will strife to avoid anything branded as my own personal protest towards these so-called 'new rulers'.