Moving On With Life

I don't blame anybody for the whole break up with the ex except for the ex himself. That I blame him. Then again, whatever anger, hate, or blame I felt for him is slowly dissipating as I type. The past one month or so had seen me going through a rough rollercoaster ride of feelings. I was totally heartbroken at the beginning when it ended but as time passes along, I find myself picking up the broken pieces of my heart, putting it back together with glue, and moving on with life.

Our relationship was already deteriorating as the years flew by. I was emotionally deprived of love most of the time because of being neglected and taken for granted most of the time. It sure didn't help when all the ex did was to tell me that what I did for him is not enough. He was demanding, constantly asking me to change even more for his sake. And being the fool that I was, I did exactly that. Each time I fail to reach his sky high expectations, I would blame myself for not trying hard enough to please him. He kept telling me that I'm useless in a discrete way and there was one point in my life where I truly believed all that he told me. I truly believed that I was a worthless piece of nothing, that I should be really grateful that he wanted me at all since no one would ever want a piece of useless nothing like me. I believed that I was not attractive, that I was just an ugly duckling. He made me feel so small of myself and that is why I was always trying to change, to please him. I kept thinking that if I could reach his expectations of me, he would love me even more, that he wouldn't spend so much time on work (I eventually realise that all those time spent for 'work' is another kind of work a.k.a cheating behind my back).

Even when things were literally deteriorating between us, I still took every initiative to make things work again between us. Deep down inside me, I was not ready to give up on us. Even when it was revealed that he was cheating on me, I still took it in my stride to forgive him and try to work things out between us. However, whatever last chances that I gave him was thrown right back into my face. He still continue to cheat on me even when I told him that I'm giving him one final chance. It was then, after 7 months later, that I just snap, found the courage in me and end things between us for good.

For a very short while at the beginning, I did sort of blame myself for starting the chain of reaction that ended with the demise of our relationship. But with my friends' support, I started seeing things in a new perspective. I've finally woken up from a nightmare to see things with a new eye. Sure, I might did something wrong in the relationship before such as losing my temper and all but the biggest mistake ever made in the relationship wasn't done by me, it was done by him. He cheated on me in the first place. He abuses me emotionally time and again for the last 5 years. Oh, he's good at using emotional tactics to blackmail me. I was so weak at that time to allow it to happen but never again. There I was, analysing and thinking about the last 5 years whenever I'm alone with my own thoughts.At the end of the day, I came to this conclusion: I had loved him more than he loved me. He took advantage of that fact and had never appreciated me before. To him, I'm just another sex machine for him to fulfil his lust. When I begun to demand for something more emotional rather than physical, he begun to cheat on me.

What many of my friends said is right. He is just another boy. He may be 26 years old. He is suppose to be old enough to think things in a more mature perspective. But he is still acting like a small little boy. Not just any other small boy. But a very spoilt small boy who must get what he wants. 5 years ago, he was like a dream come true to me. 5 years later, now, I see him as a manipulative, selfish man who thinks only of himself.

40 days ago, I never thought I'll ever get through all the heartache, hurt and anger that he had caused me. 40 days from then, which is now, I find myself moving on with life just fine. Right now, from this moment on, I just can't wait to go over to Perth to start a whole new chapter of my life. There's currently nothing back here that would ever make me stay except for my Mum. Although going to a foreign place is a scary prospective, I'm not afraid to give it a chance. Moving on with life is the best thing that I could ever do right now.