Piggy's Tots

Moved for good

2006-05-11T17:41:00.000+08:00

I've decided to stop blogging here for good. Maintaining 2 blogs is tiresome and frankly, I prefer blogging in the new space much better than this old blog here. Hence, I've decided to stop posting any entries here since I haven't written anything here at all for the last few months. Oh, there will be the occasional post from me here if I have the mood for it but do not place your hopes up high though. After all, I do not plan on shutting this blog down.

I thank everybody who had visited this blog while it lasted. If anybody should be interested to know where my new blog is, drop me a comment and I might just give it to you. Take care everyone!

I'm in Perth!

2006-02-26T13:08:00.000+08:00

After all the initial excitement and mix feelings while preparing myself for a whole new chapter in my life, I'm finally in Perth! And though I've been here for a week or so and have gradually adapted myself to this new place, there are still moments when I still do feel overwhelmed with the whole thing. There are still moments where I feel being in Perth is just so surreal. Sometimes, my mind still needs to adjust itself to think that I'm already in Perth, especially in the mornings.

The sun rises earlier here in the morning. Whereas back in Malaysia, the sun usually rises around 7 something in the morning and is fully rise by 8 plus. There were so many times where I was sleeping and somehow woke up jumping out of bed thinking that I was late for classes (my brain thinks that it was 8 plus in the morning). But a look at the time tells me that it's only 6 plus or 7 in the morning, to which I would fall back to bed with relieve and tried to continue to sleep.

First week of classes had been a flurry activity of desperately trying to sign up for tutorials. And although I've already planned out my units carefully months before I come over, I find myself changing one my units. I'd decided not to take Cultural and Media policy because 1)it's very, very dry 2) one have to be very familiar with the Australian institutions and their policies for the past 4-5 years 3) I don't think I'm able to cope with it and 4) I don't understand some of the assignments that were asked from us.

It took me nearly 2 whole days to decide whether to change and what unit should replace it if I were to change. After much thinking, I came up with the conclusion that I do not want to stress myself out on my final year doing an elective, instead I should have fun doing an elective that's interesting and more relaxing. Hence, in the end, I changed from the policy class to Documentary. I've missed the first class and tutorial due to the much thought I put into deciding whether to change. But I hope in the following week or so, I'll be able to make up for it. I'm going to study during the weekdays and enjoy myself during the weekends by going out and exploring Perth.

Yesterday was a day of boredom partly because nobody's around to accompany me and I didn't really want to go out alone. And so, alone I stayed at home the whole day. The only thing that could redeem the day itself was the idiot box. Yes, it was desperate measures. It was either the idiot box or the Internet again and frankly, after hours and hours of going online for the past week or so, I'm sort of relieved taking my attention somewhere else, even if it's in front of another but different screen. Hopefully next week, things will get better for me than continuous boredom!

Well, not much things had happened the whole week I'm here save for some cat fights and drama. I don't know why but it seems that people love to drag me into cat fights no matter how hard I stay away from there. I didn't do anything or say anything and before long, I'll be getting feedbacks from others telling me that so-and-so had backstabbed me in the back. Or, I'll get questions like "why you're not on ok terms with so-and-so anymore?". Often times, these questions tell me that I'm the bad guy in the whole scenario which doesn't surprise me anymore, nor did it piss me off. I've grown so accustomed to it all that I'm just indifferent to it. Of course there are times when it does get on my nerves. Isn't it amazing knowing the more you avoid conflicts and confrontations, the more they like to visit you? I wonder if it's something in Leos that attracts drama or if it's just me.

Well, it's 33 degrees now. It's not super hot, yet I'm wondering if I should still go to Freo. And I wonder if ML is up to it. Oh well, we'll see how it goes.

7 days left

2006-02-09T18:18:00.000+08:00

Argh! Exactly 7 days left before I fly off to Perth. There are so many things to pack, so many reminders left for Mum, so many things to do, so little time left. Sigh....

Gong Xi Fatt Chai!

2006-01-29T00:58:00.000+08:00

Gosh...time sure passes by rather quickly. At the blink of an eye and it's Chinese New Year now. Another approximately 3 weeks more and I'm off to Perth. Very, very excited about the whole prospect but yet at the same time, very, very nervous about going over. The fear of whether I'll be able to handle new culture in a foreign place while coping with my studies is always at the back of my mind.

Well, whatever the future may hold, I'll just have to face them bravely with confidence. For the time being, it's better for me to enjoy this Chinese New Year because I doubt I'll be back in time for next year's Chinese New Year!

Here's wishing everybody a prosperous year ahead and Gong Xi Fatt Chai!!

*runs off to enjoy CNY goodies*

Meme of Four

2006-01-24T15:35:00.000+08:00

Got tagged (once again) by Mei for another round of meme. I was actually contemplating not doing anything about it but unfortunately for me (fortunately for all of you), I'm bored out of my mind as it is. So, here it is...the meme of four!

4 jobs you've had in your life
Kindergarten teacher (hard to believe!)
Temp
Admin Assistant
Student (does it count?)

4 movies you could watch over and over
The Princess Diaries
A Walk to Remember
The Chronicles of Narnia
Infernal Affairs

4 TV shows you love(d) to watch
Desperate Housewives
CSI
Gilmore Girls
Mind Your Language (old, old comedy series)

4 places you've lived
Bukit Mertajam, Penang
Wangsa Maju, KL
Puchong, KL
Kota Damansara, Selangor

4 places you've been on vacation to
Singapore
Pulau Pangkor, Malaysia
Haadyai, Thailand
Australia (in the future, I'll be travelling around Ozzy during my sem break)

4 places you would rather be
In the cinema
Any shopping mall
Having my favourite Caramel Macchiato in Starbucks while reading a book
A beautiful, clean beach with a beautiful sunset

4 of your favourite foods
Sushi
Paan Mein
Pizza
Dim Sum

4 websites you visit daily
Google
The Star Online
Murdoch University (for updates on my departure)
Blogs (does it count?)

4 tagged
Chip
Carven
Sze Zeng
Winnee

Happy New Year!

2006-01-03T16:38:00.000+08:00

Another year had come to passed. Can't believe that it's a brand new year now. New opportunities, new horizons, new everything.

I'm not gonna reminisence (sp?) on the past year. Let bygones be bygones. Let the past remain as that. Instead, I'll just continue to look ahead to the future and let God decide on the way I should lead my life.

Bye bye 2005! Here's to 2006 everybody! Happy New Year!!

Nearly everything's done

2005-12-15T21:13:00.000+08:00

Well, I've gotten my student visa granted already. All the proper documents are more or less done and complete except for the plane ticket, which I'm gonna confirm tomorrow. I've yet to make a list on the things I'm bringing over but that's easily done. All I got to do is sit down and start planning on the things to pack and how to pack them.

Sigh...everything's so surreal now. Going to Australia to further my studies, leaving my love ones back here in Malaysia. In fact, the mere idea of leaving Malaysia seems very surreal to me now. I can't believe it! Another 2 more months and I'll be flying off to a country with different cultures. I'm having so much mix feelings right now, excitement, fear, etc. I just hope real hard that things will go on smoothly for me - before I leave and while I'm there.

*sigh*

New Blog

2005-12-03T22:35:00.000+08:00

When I first started blogging, I wanted to write about things that I care deeply about, things that affects people in general. What I had in mind was a blog that leans towards academics. But as I went on blogging, I found myself writing and sharing about my own life, my own experiences. And it was then that I realised that I no longer wanted an academic blog. In fact, I'm shaping my blog to be a personal blog, a blog where I get to voice out my thoughts and opinions, with the hope that someday, somebody will take notice of what I'd blogged. But most importantly, I had hoped that people who visited my blog will get to learn from my experience, that my experiences in life will somehow make an impact in their own lifes, be it big or small.

However, what I did not expect when I blogged here, was to be threatened just because certain people do not like the way or things that I blogged about. Whatever happened to freedom of speech?

Anyway, I have been playing with the idea of blogging elsewhere for quite a while now. And the opportunity came through Mei. I'll still continue blogging here about general issues or general things that are going on in my life. But all things more personal will be found in my new blog. Anybody interested to visit my new blog can either message me in Friendster (if we're connected) or MSN me or email me for the new addie.

It's always about him

2005-12-02T13:47:00.000+08:00

The ex never fail to amaze me sometimes.

I know he'll find out sooner or later that I'm seeing somebody new now cause he visits my blog. According to him after we broke up, all he can do now is to love me in silence and the only way he can find out about what's going on in my life is through my blog. Hence, it wasn't a big surprise when he sms-ed me.

"Hi. How r u lately? Very happy for u tat u r happy now n
tat u found a new bf. Good luck n all da best for both of u. Take care
ya."

In fact, I sort of expected him to let me know that he's read the blog. What I did not expect is for him to turn my good news into something about him. Again.

A few hours after his first sms, he sent another that got my head shaking, not of pity, but of exasperation.

"Btw i also wonder how u can have bf so fast? Is it b4 we broke up u already
seeing this guy? Sigh..."

Up to this day, after more than 2 months, he still doesn't get it why I broke up with him. In fact, I think he has too much ego in him to live up to the fact that I ended things with him because he was abusing me emotionally. Not to forget the fact that he was cheating on me. All I know is that to this very day, he still thinks he's innocent. He seemed to have successfully convinced himself that he had never cheated on me.

*shakes my head*

Me thinks til the end of the day, in fact, til the end of the world, he will still think that I was seeing somebody else when I ended things with him. Come to think of it, if I really was seeing somebody else when I broke up with him, I wouldn't have to endure a horror rollercoaster ride of emotions for a month, I wouldn't have my heart broken into a million pieces. But then again, it's always, ALWAYS about him. He'll never understand.

It doesn't matter whether he understands or not anymore. It's my life now. My life's not intertwined with his anymore. My life, my future is now with another man. A man I've only known for a short while but have fallen deeply in love with.

Happy, happy, happy!

2005-12-01T01:20:00.000+08:00

Ok, it's time for me to 'fess up. If I don't do it any sooner, the overwhelming sense of feelings inside me will only turn to suffocate me further. It's good news to me and people around me...though I think some of them think me foolish for making such a decision. Alrite...the thing that I wanna 'fess up to: I'm currently seeing somebody new in my life. Yep, there's a new man in my life now. Had been so for the past week or so.

No doubt we've only known each other for a short period of time. Many will think it's unwise of me to get involved with another man so fast considering the fact that I've just gotten myself out of a rotten relationship. Many will remind me of the rants and raves I've posted earlier, all about not trusting another man, all about starting a whole new chapter of my life in Ozzy, etc...I myself never expect the feelings to develop into something more. We're just friends at the beginning, just like any other new relationship started out. But as time passes by, I found my feelings developing in an extremely fast rate. Doesn't help that my 6th sense kept telling me that he's different from all those guys that I've ever dated. Most importantly, my 6th sense tells me that he will never ever put me through what the ex had put me through before. To quote James, "They're two different people, whose behaviours are at extreme points, with extreme differences".

Only a few friends know about it. And so far, all of them had given their stamp of approval on this relationship. No doubt I'll be leaving for overseas to further my studies soon but we've both agreed that as long as we're happy while we're together now, it's all worth it. To some people, it's utterly impossible to fall in love with someone so quickly, especially in such a short period of time and especially when I've just ended a bad relationship 2 months ago. But the moment I decided not to love the ex anymore, my heart had healed rapidly and before long, I find myself falling in love with another man. It was interest at first, then it developed to severe like, next thing I know, I found myself falling in love with him with every passing second.

It's not easy for me to fall in and out of love that easily. But when I do, it stays for a long, long time. This time round, there are just too many signs that cannot be ignored. Signs that show that I've made the right decision by seeing a new man. I know it's still rather soon to decide much but my gut feelings are saying so and my gut feelings had never been wrong so far.

I'm very happy with my life right now, happy with the way things are turning out. And I've never been this happy for such a long time now. In fact, I've never been happier. Even when I first started seeing the ex, I've never been this happy cause I was living in fear at the beginning of the relationship with the ex, fear that he will go back to his ex-gf. After I've gotten over the fear, I was still never as happy as I am now. This new relationship...I enter this new relationship without any fear whatsoever. And I'm happy! In fact, I'm crazily happy with life now!

Some of you may associate my being happy now with the fact that I've just entered a new relationship. Some sceptics and cynics in you may even think that this happiness will not last long cause I made a hasty and rash decision. But I'm very sure, in fact, I'm doubly sure that I made the right decision this time round. Yes, it's risky getting involve with another man so quickly, and especially so when I know that I'll be leaving for Ozzy soon. But for all
these overwhelming feelings that I have inside me, that I'm experiencing now, it's all worth it. Even if, God forbids, things somehow doesn't work out between us when I'm over in Ozzy, it's still all worth it.

I've found a better life. Right now, all that I'm feeling is happy, happy, happy!

Expectations?

2005-11-14T00:28:00.000+08:00

Whenever you walk into a new relationship with a new partner, what are your expectations of him/her? Do you set a list of expectations for him/her? Do you have a checklist where the relationship is suppose to go according to what you have expected? Expectations...everybody has expectations on themselves. But the moment they enter a relationship, both male and female often set expectations that they expect their partners to follow. Is this the right way to approach a relationship? Or is it wrong?

I have friends, both guys and gals, who set expectations on their partners before they had even formed a solid relationship. Sometimes, the relationship works out. Sometimes not. For me...it's different. From the first moment I started going out on dates and then having steady relationships, I've never set high standards of expectations for my partner. To me, a new relationship is like a clean slate. As the relationship progresses, the slate will be filled with pictures, doodles, scribbles, etc...things that only both me and my partner will experience. When the relationship ends, I will quietly put away that slate and take it out once in while to reminiscence about the past. Oh no, I won't think about the past for long, but I'll take it out and learn from the mistakes that I had made in the relationship. And when I start a new relationship with a new man, I'll take a fresh clean slate and start all over again. I do not bring excess baggage from my previous relationships into my new one. Some of you may think it foolish of me to not have any expectations at all. Well, to say that I have zero expectations would be a lie. But whatever expectations I have are very simple requests because I'm just a simple girl after all.

All I ask from a man is to treat me right, be caring and kind and most importantly, be honest to me. At the same time, I also ask for that very same man to never take me for granted, to never neglect me when I needed him most. I believe that with love, a man will be able to fulfill all these simple expectations I have. The ex did fulfill these simple expectations at the beginning of the relationship. I guess that was how I fall so much in love with him. But as the years passes by, when he realise that my love for him surpasses the love he had for me, he begun to stop trying to fulfill these simple expectations. Yes, he claimed that he loves me and all, but how could a man in love with me ever treat me the way he did? I realise now that as time passes by, I lowered my expectations on him and that was when all hell broke loose.

Aside from the simple expectations, a man got to first make me feel secure when I'm with him. And I don't mean in a physical way only, but also financially and emotionally. If a man could not make me feel secure in any aspect, then what's the point of starting a new relationship fill with fear and insecurity?

Anyway, that's what I feel and believe in. What are your expectations on your partner?

Moving On With Life

2005-11-12T17:42:00.000+08:00

I don't blame anybody for the whole break up with the ex except for the ex himself. That I blame him. Then again, whatever anger, hate, or blame I felt for him is slowly dissipating as I type. The past one month or so had seen me going through a rough rollercoaster ride of feelings. I was totally heartbroken at the beginning when it ended but as time passes along, I find myself picking up the broken pieces of my heart, putting it back together with glue, and moving on with life.

Our relationship was already deteriorating as the years flew by. I was emotionally deprived of love most of the time because of being neglected and taken for granted most of the time. It sure didn't help when all the ex did was to tell me that what I did for him is not enough. He was demanding, constantly asking me to change even more for his sake. And being the fool that I was, I did exactly that. Each time I fail to reach his sky high expectations, I would blame myself for not trying hard enough to please him. He kept telling me that I'm useless in a discrete way and there was one point in my life where I truly believed all that he told me. I truly believed that I was a worthless piece of nothing, that I should be really grateful that he wanted me at all since no one would ever want a piece of useless nothing like me. I believed that I was not attractive, that I was just an ugly duckling. He made me feel so small of myself and that is why I was always trying to change, to please him. I kept thinking that if I could reach his expectations of me, he would love me even more, that he wouldn't spend so much time on work (I eventually realise that all those time spent for 'work' is another kind of work a.k.a cheating behind my back).

Even when things were literally deteriorating between us, I still took every initiative to make things work again between us. Deep down inside me, I was not ready to give up on us. Even when it was revealed that he was cheating on me, I still took it in my stride to forgive him and try to work things out between us. However, whatever last chances that I gave him was thrown right back into my face. He still continue to cheat on me even when I told him that I'm giving him one final chance. It was then, after 7 months later, that I just snap, found the courage in me and end things between us for good.

For a very short while at the beginning, I did sort of blame myself for starting the chain of reaction that ended with the demise of our relationship. But with my friends' support, I started seeing things in a new perspective. I've finally woken up from a nightmare to see things with a new eye. Sure, I might did something wrong in the relationship before such as losing my temper and all but the biggest mistake ever made in the relationship wasn't done by me, it was done by him. He cheated on me in the first place. He abuses me emotionally time and again for the last 5 years. Oh, he's good at using emotional tactics to blackmail me. I was so weak at that time to allow it to happen but never again. There I was, analysing and thinking about the last 5 years whenever I'm alone with my own thoughts.At the end of the day, I came to this conclusion: I had loved him more than he loved me. He took advantage of that fact and had never appreciated me before. To him, I'm just another sex machine for him to fulfil his lust. When I begun to demand for something more emotional rather than physical, he begun to cheat on me.

What many of my friends said is right. He is just another boy. He may be 26 years old. He is suppose to be old enough to think things in a more mature perspective. But he is still acting like a small little boy. Not just any other small boy. But a very spoilt small boy who must get what he wants. 5 years ago, he was like a dream come true to me. 5 years later, now, I see him as a manipulative, selfish man who thinks only of himself.

40 days ago, I never thought I'll ever get through all the heartache, hurt and anger that he had caused me. 40 days from then, which is now, I find myself moving on with life just fine. Right now, from this moment on, I just can't wait to go over to Perth to start a whole new chapter of my life. There's currently nothing back here that would ever make me stay except for my Mum. Although going to a foreign place is a scary prospective, I'm not afraid to give it a chance. Moving on with life is the best thing that I could ever do right now.

Two-faced Bastard

2005-10-27T02:30:00.000+08:00

There's still quite an amount of alcohol running its course through my body as I'm writing this. Went for happy hour earlier in the evening and sort of got myself plastered for the night. People who know me well knows that I'm not usually like this but this time was an exception. Anyway, that's not the main point here. Main point here is I can't believe what a bastard he is and what a two-faced one at that.

I seriously did not know Jo would call him and told him off for telling me everything. When she found out in the morning and messaged me asking if I wanted her to call him and tell him off, I messaged back and told her to wait for me to go to the college and tell her the whole story first. But still, I was a little touched for her standing up against him for my sake. And I can't believe half the things he told her. It just shows what a bastard he is for twisting his words around. Come to think of it, that's how he manage to cheat behind my back in the first place.

He told her a different version of what he told me last night. To cut a long story short, he indirectly pin-pointed that I'm the cause of the end of our relationship. Last night, he said if I've never pushed him away when we were making out, he wouldn't have to seek somewhere else to get his desire fulfilled. Today, he told Jo that what I went through early this year is my fault for not taking the correct precaution when I should. Hallo?? It takes two to happen and accusing me of not taking the right precaution is wrong because I did and he didn't even bother! All he knows is to shove it in, ejaculate, pull it out and roll over to sleep. He can't even be bothered to put on a condom most of the time. And he accused me of not taking the right precaution?? I saw red when I heard that that's what he said to Jo.

Jo was pretty pissed off with him for telling me everything at the wrong time - I'm having exams and have to finish up my assignments in a matter of two weeks. And all he said was, "I thought her exams are all in Nov?" O-M-G! Like he doesn't know it's the end of October now and it's gonna be Nov in a matter of days. How dumb could he be??

The thing that I'm so totally pissed off with is his ability to turn things around and made it all sound like he's a martyr while I'm the conniving bitch in the whole situation. At the end of the day, it is never his fault that the relationship ended. He somehow managed to turn the whole thing around and said that I caused our relationship to deteriorate. Fuck, he even justified the whole him cheating behind my back and said that I'm the one who caused him to go fuck another girl! He said going back to Alor Star and work is all because of me, for our future. But he went back and started having even more affairs. So it was because of me that he went back to Alor Star and fuck around with other girls also la??? Bastard, bastard, bastard! Two-faced bastard!! He's the biggest bastard that I've ever met. He's the bastard of all bastards!

I should start listening to what people around me are telling me. Stop answering his calls. Stop thinking about his existence. Continue on with my life and live happily to prove to him that I can exist and function well even without him. Everybody said I should change my number and frankly I would love to, but it's unfortunate that I've put my current number for all official use especially in the visa application and with Student Village in the uni.

My head is throbbing as it is. It's high time I continue my sleep and forget about the bastard.

Finally...the truth....

2005-10-26T01:40:00.000+08:00

After all that he had denied, he finally told me everything. He finally told me the actual truth.

Ever since he was working in KL, he had cheated on me time and again. Emotionally and physically. He had gotten blowjobs, had one night stands with girls and was emotionally attached to all of them before. And all these times, he defended himself vigorously, saying that he's really innocent and that he has never cheated on me before. And fool that I am, I choose to believe him all these while. I should have suspected something, anything when my instincts tell me that things are not as easy as it seems but each time, I choose to ignore myself and decided to believe him.

When he was still working in KL, he was emotionally involved with a colleague. He claimed that nothing else happened between them but somehow, I doubt it. And when he went back to Alor Star and work, he got involved with his dealer's employee, emotionally first before getting physical. That girl gave him a blowjob and he put it all down to him having extremely high desire. And what my best friend saw in Penang is true. It was really him with another girl that my best friend saw. And back then when I confronted him about the whole thing, he defended him again saying that he was busy working in Alor Star and that his mother could be his alibi. What a stupid fool I've been to trust him and believe him then!

It didn't stop there. He secretly went down to KL once without letting me know and had a one night stand with K after attending a party. He put it down to having extremely high desire (again!) and also being drunk. what an excuse!! What a lame, lame excuse!! And after that one night stand, K assumed that they were a couple and still he didn't say anything to rectify that. He didn't tell her that he has a gf - ME!! He just went along, playing with her, which end up with me being accused to be a third party!!

I made many mistakes in my life along the way. But the biggest mistake I've ever made is choosing to be with him in the first place. The past five years were full of memories - good and bad. I thank him for the good memories. But I thank him more for the bad ones...for without the bad memories, without all those crap and shit and hell he put me through, I wouldn't have learned such a valuable lesson in my whole entire life. Forgive me for saying this but I find it hard to trust another man in my life ever again. I know it's unfair to all guys in general for there are a number of guys who are truly gentlemen, who are truly kind and sweet and all things nice. To these men, I salute you. To men like HIM...may you continue to live in your sins forever. I pity you guys cause guys like that would never ever find true love and even if you do in the future, I'm sure things wouldn't go smoothly as planned because of your sins.

To Al, I know you would surely check out my blog. I have this to say to you. I've given you way tooooooooo many chances in the past five years. Chances that you do not deserve in the first place and yet, I still gave them to you. You said you regret cheating behind my back? You said that you finally realised that I'm the one you truly love?? You said that I'm your love, your life, your everything??? YOu asked me to give me one final chance for you to redeem yourself for the mistakes that you've made???? I tell you this: IT'S OVER!! O-V-E-R. OVER. If you do not understand the word, go check the dictionary. It's over for good! Finito! Kaputt! Whatever that you call it, it's over!!!!!!!!!!!

No more last chances for you. I gave them all to you and yet, you did not redeem yourself. Instead, you went ahead and fuck around like a bunny behind my back with other girls. You snuck down to KL to attend a party and later had sex with K. And you dare come to me and ask me to forgive you for good?? What nerves you had. After what we've been through, after the operations I had to go through, after all the tears, blood and sweat I put into you, you took all that and threw them right back into my face! You went around having AFFAIRS!!!!! You could rot in hell for all I care, you have nothing to do with my life anymore. I've washed my hands clean from you. You go your way and I go mine.

DOn't you dare come around and threaten to commit suicide. DOn't you dare come up to me and try to do the act in front of me. You can commit suicide and die for all I care, it has nothing to do with me anymore. After all these years that I trusted you, after all the faith I had in you, you actually have the nerve to fool around with other girls. Well, guess what?? Now that it's over between us, you can finally go fuck around with as many girls as you want!! No strings attached, no need to fuck around and feel guilt and regret later on!

All these while I thought you were overprotective when it comes to my life, I finally realise that it's all BULLSHIT!!!! You were afraid that I would cheat on you as you did me. I should have taken the opportunity and cheated on you in the past. When guys expressed interest in me and wanted something special with me, I should have just said yes and had that something special with them. I should never had said no to them and turn them away. I should have done the same and let you feel the same pain that you've inflicted in me, you bastard!

Last chance?? Forget about it! And don't you dare swear in the name of the good Lord. Don't threaten me using God's name in vain. Don't tell me that you're attending church and started praying to Him and that you finally believe in Him like I do. Stop pretending. Stop using all kinds of emotional tactics to try to get me back to your side. I'm no longer the same young, innocent, naive 17 year old that you met five years ago. I've changed in the last five years in case you haven't notice. Take back all your sweet whisperings and declaration of love and tried it on another 17 year old. YOu may have better luck there than here with me.

I do not hate you as it is. But I'm angry, hurt and betrayed by your actions. Most importantly, I pity you. I pity you for not being there to share and bask in my success in the future. I pity you for not being able to be an important part of my life anymore. I pity you for losing my love, my care, my everything. You are such a poor, poor man now.

I really got to thank you for opening up my eyes. I've finally seen the real you. You are exactly the same as any scumbag that I've met. Thank you for teaching me such a valuable lesson. And since you proclaimed to believe in God so much these days, may God bless you.

50% scholarship

2005-10-25T19:02:00.000+08:00

I've not been formally told yet but yeah, I'm getting 50% scholarship from the college this time round. I was actually hoping that they would award me a full scholarship like last semester but then again, after the way the interview went, I think I'm lucky to get even 50% of it. At least it's better than getting nothing.

I was being too critical in the interview. I criticised about lecturers, about the head of department, about a lot of things. Things that I should not have mentioned at all but I can't help it cause I don't want to butter up to anybody. Even if it's a scholarship we're talking about. Frankly, I pretty much had enough of this college. The management people in my school's departments all people who could do the talk, but not do the walk when required.

We're suppose to buy drafts to pay for Uni's fees and all and all of us can't do it cause we haven't even gotten our freaking offer letter yet!! And our programme leader sure is taking her own sweet time getting our offer letters for us. Freaking woman!!!! Don't you know that we have a time line to follow by?? Don't you know that the bank is not open during Raya??? And we have to get our money and drafts done before then??? Stupid woman!!

Frankly, I do not care much for the college anymore. But getting the scholarship is something important because it does help my Mum financially when it comes to paying for my studies. SIgh....

2005-10-23T18:38:00.000+08:00

Every time I thought that nothing could knock me down from my reserves, something pops up and literally knock me down until I fall flat on my face.

I know it's still a rather short time for me to expect myself to heal completely from a scarred relationship. But I've gradually moved on. I find myself missing him less and functioning well as a human again. Still, curiosity sometimes get the better of me and I find myself looking for clues that I should not have. As if I'm looking for clues to reassure myself that I am doing the right thing ending things between us. And each time, I do not get disappointed at all. Every single time, I manage to find some tall tale sign telling me that my decision is right. Yet, every time something shows itself to me, I find my heart breaking again. Why is that so? Things have already ended. So why do I still feel pain whenever I saw things that I should have seen ages ago?

I'm getting bouts of depression lately. But I pinpoint it all to pms and the stress that's piling up from college. Oh God...I do wish that I would stop hunting for clues and evidences that clearly shows that he has been hiding things from me all these years. I'm just hurting myself further and getting obssessed for reasons that I myself cannot fathom. Everything is so jumbled up in my head right now. In fact, I'm not even sure if I know what the heck I'm writing right now.

Sigh...I really got to get out more often and meet more people.

It's Over

2005-10-17T23:30:00.000+08:00

16 days had passed since I ended it. "Ended what?", some of you may ask. My relationship with Al, the one and only relationship where I had put in so much work and tears for the past 4 years and 10 months, is finally over.

Yep, I'd officially join the singles rank again for the past 16 days. And it looks like I'll be staying single for quite some time.

When people around me, namely my friends and Mum, found out that I've ended the relationship, the most important question that all of them asked without fail was "Why?" Why end it? Frankly...I've had enough of this emotionally abusive relationship. The moment I ended it, everything became crystal clear to me. I look back at the past and realised that all this while, I'd been blinded by love. No wonder so many people always testify that love is blind. I've never thought that the same phrase would be applicable to me. Now that it's finally over, only is it clear to me that I REALLY had been blinded by love.

All these years, I'd endured all sorts of shit and crap from him. All these years, I'd defended him whenever anybody spoke about a single bad thing about him in front of me. All these years, I'd took the initiative to change my temper for him, to be more understanding towards his career. All these years, I'd done so much for him and yet, each time, he doesn't even notice the things I'd done for him. He doesn't notice the sacrifices I had to make because I wanted to see him happy. He doesn't notice that I've changed my temper for him, to please him. All these years...down the drain just like that.

Quite a number of you who follows this blog knows about the whole affair about him cheating behind my back a few months back. Well, the "infidelity" was the catalyst of the motion of things which lead to the demise of this relationship.

The moment the girl, K, approached me and accused me of being the 3rd party, life became an instant hell to me. I was struggling with my studies, my life for so long that I never thought I'd see the day when I'd picked myself up through the pieces to face life again. Yes, what I went through can be a testament of how great a love I felt towards Al. My life just crumbled around me and my heart, my poor, poor heart was broken into a million, billion pieces. I was crying myself to sleep practically every night. It was one of these nights when flashes of memory begun to crowd around my head.

I begun to recall about things that people had told me. There were a few people, with no connections whatsoever between them, who came to me at different times and different places, all telling me the same thing - they saw Al getting comfortable with other girls before and none of those girls were me. Now, how could different people who do not know each other, at different times and different places all told me the same thing? It couldn't be coincidences. Yet, I continued to defend him, telling these people that they had mistaken him for another guy, that he would never, ever cheat on me.

But that one night, I had finally awaken from a dream and came to realise that what these people told me are true. I'd been such a fool all these while, believing all those sweet whisperings from him, proclaiming that I'm his one and only. Still, I gave him a final chance to redeem himself when he told me that he has proofs that would show that he is innocent, that he has never, ever cheated on me before. I gave him more than 6 months, in fact it was close to 7 months, to produce those evidences. Yet, at the day I ended our relationship 16 days ago, there isn't a single shred of evidence to prove that he is truly innocent. One would think that he would go to great lengths immediately to produce those evidences to me when I repeatedly told him that I do not trust him anymore, especially when he kept on saying that he really loves me. I really thought at that time that he is as keen as I am to work things out, to keep the flame alive. But once again, what a fool am I! Whenver I question him about those evidences, he would start to get really defensive and said that he's innocent and that he doesn't need to show anybody, anything. So...at the end of the day, I'm just an anybody to him. I'm not the girl he claimed he truly love. I'm nobody, just anybody.

These last 4 years and 10 months had seen me sacrificed nearly everything for him. I sacrificed my friends, my social life, even my studies at one point in time, all for him. Thank goodness I still have some good common sense in me to not sacrificed my entired studies for him. I fought for what I have today. I worked bloody hard to get what I have today. The successes I'd achieved so far in my studies were things I worked really hard for. I thought he would be really happy for me. That he's proud of me. Yes, he might be all that in front of me, yet behind his eyes, I could tell that he wasn't too happy that he's gf is smarter than he is in studies. He was feeling insecure. Or at least that was what he claimed whenever he was accused to be a workaholic.

However, looking deep into the past of this relationship, I'd come to a conclusion that all these years, he was feeling insecured all the time. That explains his jealousy, his mistrust. Then again, that doesn't give him the right to cheat on me. He always said that he trusts me, but he doesn't trust the people around me. To me, and many other people, that sort of statement is equivalent to not trusting me at all. He wants me to change to be as conservative as he is, or at least more conservative than I am now. He wants me to be lovey-dovey towards him all the time. He wants me to be this, he wants me to be that, he wants me to be everything that he wanted. Yet, whenever I asked him to change one single aspect of his character, he made a BIG deal out of it, proclaiming that there's nothing that needed to be changed in him. I started asking myself, "Why must I always be the one who have to change? Why can't he change for me for once?" And not surprisingly, my friends asked me the same questions. Ironic isn't it?

The last 6-7 months had been truly miserable for me. Yes, I gave him that one last chance, thinking that he'll take advantage of it to fix our relationship, make it better, make things work between us again. I could never be more wrong than thinking that. It was obvious that he wouldn't be producing any evidences soon. In fact, I don't think that there is any evidences whatsoever to prove that he is truly innocent. We argued every other night about it, and the nights when we're not arguing about him producing those evidences, it would be fights and arguments over the smallest matter ever. Even when we meet face-to-face in those rare occassions during my holidays, we fight, literally. Yep, quick movements of hands and legs were involved in the process. And those fights were pretty violent too. I was so sick of the fighting, so sick of the crying, so sick of being taken for granted, so sick of being neglected, so sick of everything. I couldn't take it anymore. I just exploded one night, somehow found enough courage, and finally ended the relationship for good.

Yes, I do mourn over this relationship once in a while. After all, it's been nearly 5 long years that I've invested so much in it. But I've gradually moved on. Although it was barely 16 days ago, I find myself letting go of everything bit by bit, memory by memory. And this is when I've come to the conclusion that I've gradually love him less with each passing day since...I don't know when. Yes, the relationship is finally over, kaputt, the end. There's no chance for us to get back together in the near future unless he change for good. However, come to think of it, even if he changed for good, I'll be thinking many times over before getting myself back into an emotionally abusive relationship.

I'm enjoying my newfound freedom as a single as I typed away. Although it may be a tad lonely at times, but at least I finally have my freedom as an individual again.

Se7en Tag

2005-10-12T16:05:00.000+08:00

Been tagged by Mei a couple months back on something else (which I can't remember). Unfortunately, I was busy and also a little lazy to blog it then. When I was finally free, I was too lazy to blog about it. This time round, I decided to take up the challenge since I was tagged the second time round by Mei again. Must not let her down again right? ;)

Seven things you plan to do before you die:

Travel around the world
Absorb different cultures
Find a job I love
Settle down (marry the man I love la)
Have a family of my own
Perfect my cooking skills
Be on fire for God and walk beside Him again

Seven things I could do:

Trying to look for more books written by good authors that make an impact in lives and reading them
Lose a teeny weeny bit more weight
Keep in touch with friends more often
Control my temper more often and be more rational in thinking
Think twice before speaking to prevent hurting people's feelings especially my Mum's
Cook more often instead of eating out
Learn to eat healthy food instead of junk

Seven celebrity crushes:
I do not really have any celebrity crushes, but there are a few favourites, both males and females.

Keanu Reeves (ever since I saw him in A Walk In The Clouds)
Johnny Depp
Angelina Jolie
Julianne Moore
Pierce Brosnan
Marcia Cross (excellent acting in Desperate Housewives and Everwood)
Daniel Wu (ok, I admit, this is really a crush)

Seven often repeated words:

Die la!
F**k
Sh*t
OMG!!
Anyway...
So...
Then...

Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite traits:

Tall (at least taller than I am)
Tan/Dark (I have a tremendous weak spot for tan/dark guys)
Pleasant to look at
Looking good in specs is definitely a plus point
Definitely not bald
Deep set eyes
Well built (not too fat or skinny )

Seven tags go to:
The only people I know who has blogs and read mine are less than seven. So, here goes...

Carven
Chip
Sze Zeng

He had an accident, so did I

2005-09-05T22:50:00.000+08:00

Bear in mind that we're involved in 2 different accidents. My bf, Al, was driving his dad's car in the middle of the night on Wednesday to have supper with his friends when he was hit by a trailer at the crossroads. According to eyewitnesses, Al and the driver of the trailer both stopped at the crossroads at the same time, both wanting to let the other go first. Unfortunately, when Al started driving, so did the trailer. The driver couldn't stop in time and hit the back portion of the car with such an impact that Al's car actually turned turtle and spinned from one traffic light to the other. The total length the car spun: 23 metres. I didn't know anything about the accident until the next morning when his sister called me to inform me that he's ok. And it became quite a frantic day for me, calling every single one of his phones non stop, and when there was no answer, frantic calls to his sisters to make sure that he's all right. Thank goodness that class was cancelled on Friday morning because Sham was on MC. I quickly took a bus back to Penang to see him and although he looked quite normal, I can't help but recoil at the ugly stitches on his head.

Al couldn't remember a single thing about the accident. I guess it's the shock of the accident and also losing his consciousness during the accident. According to him, when he woke up, his head was already stitched up and his fifth rib bone on the right was fractured. Thus, the inability to move much. During his stay at the hospital, they ran all kinds of scans on him and found out that there's some blood clots in his head. FOrtunately, according to the neurosurgeon, the clots seem to have cleared up and assured Al that there's nothing to be worried about. Still, he needs to go back to the hopsital for weekly check ups to be 100% that the clots have completely cleared.
Al only found out about the actual story of the accident today, when he was finally discharged from the hospital and went to the police station to make a report. When he called to tell me the actual story, my blood actually ran cold because if he were to drive slightly slower, he would have been hit directly and would be most probably dead now. I really thank God that he's safe and alive now. It showed how much God loves him because this is the second time that God literally saved him from death's grasp. Still, I can't help but blame him and his friends a little. If they didn't ask him out for supper in the middle of the night, and if he has the good sense to say no to them, he wouldn't have gotten into such a terrible accident. In his sister's words, "the car is as "kemek" as a Coke can". Most of the time when he ran into problems or trouble, it's all no thanks to his friends and to me, this time round is no different.

As for myself, I got into an accident on Saturday when I was on my way to the hospital to see him. No worries, I'm safe and sound although I can't say that for my mum's car. As I'm the one who hit the car in front of me, I'm in the wrong in the eyes of law and thus was given a summon of RM150, which the policeman nicely told me in a smile, was a 50% off the actual price of a summon. The whole story? Well, there was this Wira in front of me going really slow and I was following behind it in a moderate distance. I needed to keep to the left and look into the rearview mirror to make sure that there is no on coming cars. In less than a second, I look in front and the Wira had already stepped on his emergency brake which I follow suit. Unfortunately, when I saw the Wira in front of me braked and follow suit, it was a little too late because next thing I know, the car was still hurtling forward and I would have hit the steering wheel or the windshield if it wasn't because of my safety belt holding me back.

The driver of the Wira, a late 30s-early 40s guy, came down from the car and started shouting at me. He was going on about him braking and I not following suit and hitting his car. He was shouting, but not scolding. HOwever, that didn't stop me from shouting back at him, telling him that it was an accident, that I tried braking immediately and that it's a matter of circumstances. When both of us finally calmed down, he asked me what I want to do to which I replied that I need to make some phone calls.
I first called Mum to tell her about the accident. Next, I called Uncle Andrew who unfortunately was in Jakarta for a business trip. However, he asked me not to panic and assured me that he'll send someone to the scene to help me. True to his words, somebody from the workshop that he frequents showed up and practically handled everything, from the police reports to damage assesment. I couldn't drive my car to the workshop because the engine was hit very badly and the car had to be towed. Mum called Ivan (who's also my uncle but I never called him uncle cause he's only 7 years older than I am), who rushed to the scene with his gf to make sure that I was ok. He and his gf drove me to the workshop first to hand in some details, before driving me to the police station to make a report. Later, he sent me to the hospital to visit Al who was equally worried about me. During that moment when I was with Al, I nearly broke down and cried, for what I reason, I do not know but I guess it's because of shock. Fortunately, I didn't cry but I was overwhelmed with guilt because Mum wouldn't have a car to drive to and fro from work. And she'll be literally stuck at home the whole night. Thank goodness Uncle Andrew called and told Mum that he'll try to get a car for Mum to use for the time being by Thursday.

I really thank God that it was a somewhat minor accident. I was completely ok. The car was the only thing that was wrecked. And the only thing that I suffered was shock and guilt.

"I Miss You"

2005-08-22T04:50:00.000+08:00

I've always found the words "I miss you" more meaningful and endearing than "I love you". To me, the word 'love' is overused and in a way sometimes, loses its true meaning. When 'love' is utter to many a times, it tends to get routinesed (sp?) and loses its special meaning. I don't know about everybody out there who's in a relationship but sometimes, I really wished he'll say "I miss you" more than "I love you".

We've been in a relationship for more than 4 1/2 years now. Each time we'll end our phone conversations with "I love you". Each time during or after making out, we'll say "I love you". Every single time we end our fight and make peace, we say "I love you". These 3 words seem so ordinary these days because it's been said far too many times. It became very common. Not like the first time I heard him said them to me. The first time, I felt that I was floating on air. I felt so happy that my heart nearly burst of happiness. That first time, those 3 words, "I love you" mean the world to me. But not anymore. Of course it still bears some kind of importance in my life whenever he said it like he mean it. But in a long distance relationship (LDR), I find that I appreciate "I miss you" more than "I love you".

There's a simple explanation for this train of thought. Being in a LDR, I felt that we somehow had to keep reassuring each other that we still love each other as much as we first started out, thus the constant "I love you". However, deep inside, I've always felt that "I miss you" is more sincere than "I love you". Whenever someone says they misses somebody, they really mean it from the bottom of their hearts. And that is how he made me feel each time he says he misses me. I know he really mean it whenever he said that. I know he said it from the bottom of his heart, sincerely saying each word and really means it. And it is during this time that I feel especially fuzzy all over. Just like the first time he said "I love you" to me, these days, a simple "I miss you" is enough to show me the depth of his love for me. Far better than using the L word itself. *sob* I truly miss him so much.

Unexpected Statement

2005-08-21T22:35:00.000+08:00

Instead of staying in and doing research for PR assignment as planned, I went for a movie instead with Jo and James in 1 Utama yesterday. Reached 1U slightly past 2 and went straight for lunch because of our growling stomachs. Bad decision because we should have went and gotten the tickets first. Unfortunately, we're so used to going out during weekdays and forgot the extra large crowd that visits shopping malls and cinemas and thus, was unable to get the tickets at the time we wanted. Sigh...mental note to self, must remember the extra large crowd that visits shopping malls and cinemas in the future.

Anyway, we were unable to get the tickets for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and have to settle for Bewitched, which was scheduled for a late evening show at 7.30pm. The time we got our tickets - 4.00pm. It was a rather undaunting prospect thinking about spending 3 1/2 hours doing nothing while waiting for the show to start but soon, it all proved well spent. Erm, well spent for shopping that is. It's be quite a while since I went shopping. So imagine the surprised I had when I discovered that there was less than an hour left to the show when we were finally sick of going into shop after shop and decided for a drink somewhere. We finally settled for Starbucks and that was where the unexpected statement was made.

Jo decided to get her eyebrows trimmed and reshaped and left James and I sitting around in Starbucks having our coffee making small talk. Main topic of the day was about friends and the ups and downs associated with them. I told him how my friends left me out from everything without truly noticing it thus rendering my life in the final year of high school a living hell and making me feel totally miserable. I also told him how being miserable drove me to the extreme and I created problem after problem for myself. I told him how I neglected my studies during that period of time and even contemplated suicide (yes, I really did wanted to commit suicide then because of depression, which unfortunately, nobody even notices because I was good at hiding my feelings then). Fortunately, my Mum found out about some of things I've done and broke down in front of me, crying because of what I've done. It was then that I felt myself to have awoken from a long nightmare. I was so guilty for what I've did, of how I've disappointed my Mum and let her down that I promptly decided to make things right and concentrate on my SPM. Unfortunately, I only had a month's time left before the exams and no matter how hard I studied, I only managed to clinched 3A's during that national exams.

It was during this particular revelation that James looked so shocked. He find it hard to believe that I've only gotten 3A's in my exams because according to him, "You're GQ wor, one of the smartest girl in our programme!" In turn, this unexpected statement gave me a shock for I've never seen myself as smart. Throughout my life, I see myself as only an average student, always failing to get the best results no matter how hard I worked for it. Even when I joined the Murdoch programme, I still see myself as an average student and constantly push myself to do my best. The constant mental pushing in my part produced results that were pretty unexpected in my life because I've never gotten such results before. For the first time in my life, I could feel that my family, especially my Mum, were so proud of me. It was the first time in my life that I felt so good about myself.

Reflecting on James' unexpected statement, I still do not consider myself as smart. What I've gotten so far, the good results and the scholarships that were awarded accordingly, I see that all as a blessing from God. I guess I'm finally in the right path now and God decided to reward me for finally choosing the correct path with results and scholarships. In the meantime, I'll continue pushing myself to the limit, pushing myself to continue get results that have been so unexpected in my life.

7th August 2005, 5.10am

2005-08-10T12:17:00.000+08:00

Clubbing

A sudden thought just hits me. I realised that each time I went clubbing with my friends, there would always be a ton of story for us to share after clubbing is over and we're sitting down at the mamak stall enjoying our drinks before going home for the night.

Take today for instant. 7 of us went clubbing - me, Jo, Desiree, James, Devi, Andrea and Jo's friend, Adeline. When we were at the mamak place an hour or two ago, we were exchanging stories about some of the people who were there. Most of them were about how 'chi ko pek' (desperate men looking for girls in hokkien) some of the men were and some, about how desperate some of the girls were, trying to 'service' men they just met. Well, you get the idea. Some of the things we discussed - how some guys try to hit on some of us, how some guys were really nice to us, how some girls just let young boys grope them, etc.

Many things happened in the club. Some guys wanted to take advantage on us girls but we were smart enough to handle them. We either walk away from them, or turn around and glared at them, or the best part was, how we pushed them away as hard as possible. The last method was good enough an idea for the guys to get to know that we're not desperate for them.

However, all was not bad. There were these 2 Chinese guys who were pretty nice to us. One stepped on my leg a couple of times when he was shuffling to the music. Accidentally stepped on my leg of course. He apologised to me a couple of times and after that, whenever some guys around us girls were trying to give us a hard time, he did stepped in and try to help us a few times. A really nice guy. Meanwhile, his friend was interested in Jo and tried to get her number. In the end, before we left, she gave him an old number that she wouldn't be using anymore. But that guy is also quite a nice guy. He did sort of helped his friend to fend off some unwanted attention from us.

Overall, I guess the night was pretty enjoyable. Although the music could be better. James, Desiree, Devi and Andrea decided to adjourned to Waikiki, another clubbing spot, to continue with their clubbing because they had not enjoyed enough. As for Jo, Adeline and I, well, we're just too tired to joined them and decided to come home to get our rest.

I hope that this clubbing moment would be able to satiate us for quite a while. The next few weeks are gonna be very, very hectic for each one of us and we needed to enjoy ourselves to the max now, knowing that we would be unable to do so for quite a while. *yawn* Boy am I sleepy. Off to bed now and til next time.

6th August 2005

2005-08-10T12:12:00.000+08:00

Some Effects of Globalisation in Indonesia

During Globalisation tutorial yesterday, Sham showed us a special documentary done by John Pilger, the famous photographer, on the effects of globalisation in Indonesia. The documentary was entitled "The New Rulers of the World" if memory serves me right. It talks about how the Indonesians were underpaid in factories belonging to rich and branded companies such as Gap and Nike. There was some secret filming shown in the documentary which was taken by Pilger when he visited those factories posing as fabric buyers and some snippets of interview with some of the employees of the factories. What was revealed was a fact many of us had long known about but momentarily refuse to acknowledge because it did not happened in our country. When the truth was bared to me through the documentary, I realised that I've been a hypocrite for quite some time now.

Before leaving high school, I was not really a brand conscious person. I don't mind not having branded things to use as long as it's fashionable enough to be worn out of the house. I've only started to be aware of all things branded after I left high school. Branded clothings were still not important to me although there were times that I wished I would be able to afford it so out of peer pressure. When I started the Murdoch programme, I begun to shun branded clothings because of what I've learned through my classes about some effects of globalisation. "The rich are becoming richer, the poor are becoming poorer". I'm sure that is a statement many have heard before but are not truly aware that it is referring to the effects of globalisation.

The statement is stark true in Indonesia. Factory workers or rather, menial and blue collar workers had to work long hours on wages which are less than nearly USD$1 a day. And the sad part about it, they had to bear with it and take it as their fate instead of doing anything to rebel for when they rebel, they will lose their jobs. Losing their jobs is equivalent to losing their only rice bowl to feed their families and provide them with medication to the sick. Nearly all the factory employees had no idea that the products they produce for these rich companies are actually gaining lots of profits in other countries when they were only paid a few pennies for each product they produced. And then, there were all those controversy about Suharto and how his cronies managed to get financial help from the IMF and the World Bank when all the while, most of the money coming in to supposedly help the Indonesians to upgrade their standard of living were only helping the Suhartos to get richer while the poor and uneducated remained so. Pilger interviewed some representatives about this issue but all of them were spinning stories to save their asses while protecting the centre or instutition that they are working for. What I've seen from the documentary only serves to sadden me and for a moment there, I felt helplessness washed over me and that was when I realised that I was being such a hypocrite.

I used to shun branded things knowing the truth behind the products that were produced and how much hardship those people producing such goods were facing. I used to tell myself that I would refuse to support such slave drivers, such rich people who only care for themselves while ignoring human rights. And here I am, getting brand conscious as the day passes by. It is something unavoidable when everybody around you talks about brand and buy branded stuff and I guess my own personal opinion about shunning such brand things are not strong enough. For if it is strong enough, I wouldn't be influence into looking, admiring or even buying such branded stuff. The documentary had helped me realised what a hypocrite I've became and from this moment on, I will strife to avoid anything branded as my own personal protest towards these so-called 'new rulers'.

"Wake Up, Malaysians!" (Roslan Aziz 2005)

2005-07-31T23:15:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: Up ahead are rants from the writer. The rants are not meant to be prejudiced but are from personal opinions based on the talents that were heard.

Life is unfair. A good example of this statement can be seen in the recent Malaysian Idols results. Two of the most talented among the 11, Trish and Atilia, were eliminated from the Idols. They were eliminated not because they do not have the talent but because they were not as pleasing to the eyes as others. I could name a few people who should not be allowed to continue in the Idol journey and at the top of the list is Ash.

I've heard Ash's performance during the Workshop round and during the Spectaculars and frankly, I feel that he doesn't even deserved to get past the Workshop round to be in the top 11. His place should be given to somebody who deserves it better. But no, Malaysians seem to have their eyes on him and he sailed through to the spectaculars. During the Spectacular performance, it was so obvious that Ash sang out of tune a couple of times. I had high hopes that he would not garner enough votes to sail through but once again, Malaysians seem to have their ears plugged when they were watching the Spectaculars. Clearly, they are just watching it with their eyes, but not listening to the singers with their ears. I don't consider myself as a Malaysian Idol fan but this is just too much. Ash should be at the bottom of the list. Not Trish. Not Atilia.

When the results were announced, I sat shell-shocked. I wasn't able to move a single limb and all of a sudden, I just seem to have lost my voice. When I finally found my voice and ability to move my limbs around, I practically screamed my head off and kept yelling, "That is so UNFAIR!! That is so freaking UNFAIR!!" Just like what Roslan Aziz had said, "Wake up, Malaysians!" Wake up to real talents instead of voting for your friend or family who clearly doesn't show much versatility. Yes, Ash has the voice quality to sing certain songs. Yes, his voice is suitable for the right songs but he just doesn't have the versatility and talent to go far. And it doesn't help that he has a cocky attitude at times. When Roslan Aziz criticise his performance, Ash gave this really cocky shrug and even I'm turn off by the gesture.

All the judges were upset and in shock, except for Paul Moss who managed to control his emotions. He seemed to have given in to the thought that Malaysians would always pack a punch of surprises during the Idols results. Even Jien, the Idols host looked clearly upset over the results that were announced. You can see his face clouding all over and he just seem to lost his spring and bubbly attitude after seeing Trish and Atilia leave the show. I wish things could have been better for Trish and Atilia. I wish they were the ones who got to stay instead of leaving. But clearly, Ash has the support of his friends and family and we cannot change the results. I'm still in shock. It is all so surreal. I've never been affected by any reality TV show like this before and this is a first. I still can't believe that most Malaysians and tone deaf to the extent that they can't distinguish between a good and bad singer. Oh, how I wish Ash got eliminated in this round of Spectaculars. Looking at the way things are going, I doubt I'll stay tune for long to Malaysian Idols. If Ash manages to sail through round 2 of the Spectaculars, I'm just going to give up on the show and my fellow Malaysians for losing their common sense.

Difficult Housemates

2005-07-31T20:40:00.000+08:00

If you do not know how to read English or if you do not understand English, then fine, I can accept the fact that you do not understand the signs I'd put up around the house. But if you DO understand English and you DO know how to read English, I rather you cooperate with me to keep the house clean and make it bearable for 5 people that's living under the same roof.

Sometimes, I really do not understand my housemates at all. What is so difficult to understand about keeping the toilet clean and dry and use the bathroom to bathe? Why can't they understand that sometimes, people tend to throw their dirty laundry into pails in the bathroom and it's essential to keep the area clean so that the clothes do not have black spots because of the dampness in the area? Why can't they just use their heads for once and try to understand?

They do not have the whole house to themselves. They are sharing the house with 4 other people. The most important thing is to compromise, not being selfish and leaving a wave of destruction behind them each time they use the toilet, bathroom or kitchen. Oh...and the house fridge. I've only been away for a month plus but they've managed to left milk powder (or was it glucose?) in the fridge and as nobody wants to clean it up, it's begun to rot and contaminate the whole fridge to unbearable smell. Each time I open the fridge, I have to close my nose, literally, and take whatever I want out from the fridge. I have resorted to keeping my food stuff in tupperwares before leaving them to chill for fear of contamination to my food. And I refuse to clean it. I'm going to tell them to clean it when the chance arises. I am not going to clean after something I did not do and let them take the responsiblity for once. I'm so sick of cleaning after them. I should not have clean after them at the beginning because once they get use to the idea of having somebody to clean after them, they become instant invalids that refuse to throw the rubbish, sweep and mop the house, or even, clean the kitchen sink once in a while. Aargh!!!

I miss my ex-housemates so much.....we used to work together to keep the house clean for everybody's comfort. But not these bunch of unruly, young girls whom I bet had never ever in their lifes done any housework before. Somebody please kill me before I sink into the darkness of insanity.

20th July 2005

2005-07-27T13:07:00.000+08:00

Awkward

Just last Sunday, as I was trying to sleep for the night, some thoughts flashes through my mind and my mind begun to think about things and events that had happened for the last 6 months.
First, there was the whole incident about my bf, Al's, so-called infidelity. Frankly speaking, I still have some doubts on what is and what is not the truth. The trust I have towards him had dwindled down considerably. But somehow, he has shown tremendous efforts to save our relationship and thus, here I am, giving him a well deserved second chance although some thinks he does not deserve it.

I admit that my studies were greatly influenced by Al's so-called infidelity. I did terribly during the first half of the semester. I did not get the grades that I expected and my studies plunged from top to bottom. However, I managed to pull myself up and forced myself to concentrate on what's important - my studies - and managed to pull through. Overall, my grades were rather good I should say since I expected the worse from myself this particular semester. After the private and personal turmoil that I faced for the last few months, I still managed to pull 2 Distinctions and 1 Credit. And I really thank God for that.

When my thoughts begun to slowly settle down, I lingered on the thought of Mabel leaving the college for good. Mabel's one of the nicest and friendliest lecturers around in college. And I'm really happy to get to know her as a friend also outside of college. She may be strict towards us students at times, well, most of the time but at the same time, she's leniet (sp?) and understanding towards those of us who were loaded with problems. Conclusion, she's one of the favourite lecturers around in college that practically every student adores and look up to. To me, she's somebody I truly admire for her tremendous courage and determination in everything that she does.

Time sure passes very quickly. At the blink of the eye, I've known Mabel for nearly a year and a half now. And all these times, I've always taken it for granted that she would continue to stay in the college and lecture even after I leave for Perth to continue my studies. I've always thought that there would be new batches of students that would get to know her as well as I and the others do. When she called one day during the holidays informing me that she had just handed in her resignation letter, I was shocked beyond words but most importantly, I was sad that she was leaving all of us. I knew no matter how much I pleaded for her to stay, no matter how much all of us pleaded for her to stay, she would still leave because her boss happens to be a real b***h who has been making life miserable for her at work for the past few months. Thus, I kept quiet and accepted her decision to leave without ever pleading for her to stay.

And so, last Sunday as I was drifting off to Slumberland, I thought of how awkward it would be to go to college and classes knowing for a fact that Mabel would not be around in the office anymore. She would not be around whenever I burst into the office looking for her. She would not be around to have lunch with whenever time is available. She would not be around counselling students and just gossip around about work and studies. There would not be any bumping into each other around the college. In short, she would not be around in college anymore doing what she loves - lecturing. Of course we will still meet up for lunches or coffees or just plain hanging out whenever we're free. But it still would not be the same anymore in college.

On a positive note, leaving her job might open up better prospects for her in her career and life. I know she wants to go back into the industry to work and I pray and wish her luck that she'll get what she wants and is happy doing it.

Mei, I know all of us are sad that you left the college and I'm sure everybody misses you already. It's been a pleasure being your student and I've learnt a lot from you. I'm looking forward to hanging out with you in the near future outside of college. Good luck in hunting for the job that you like!

Update: Mabel had found a job as a sub-editor in Cyberjaya with a better pay than being a lecturer. Hope she'll enjoy her work and feel happier at her new work place when she starts work next month. Cheers Mei!

Hypocrite!

2005-06-30T17:09:00.000+08:00

After our squabble about the way HE treated me even though HE has a lovely gf at his side, HE proceeded to dish out the phrase "You go your way and I'll go my way" to me. Annndddd, after that, HE promptly deleted me from his Friendster's list. I thought things would be awkward after that between us since we're both studying in the same college and boy, I thought RIGHT!
For the past 6 months, whenever we meet each other at the corridors or stairs or cafeteria or wherever, his friends would promptly greet me while HE walked past me without even a backward glance at me. It's as if I'm invisible to him. Fine, fine, fine! I didn't give it much thought since HE was the one who decided to severe our friendship in the first place.
And now, now...guess what HE did? He added me into his Friendster again!!! As if nothing happened at all!! How can HE treat me as if I'm invisible to him for the last 6 months and expects me to received him back as a friend as though nothing happened?? What a HYPOCRITE!!! H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E!!!!!!!
Arrggh!!!

Happy Tree Friends

2005-06-17T12:11:00.000+08:00

Ever watch any episodes of Happy Tree Friends? No? You guys should try to watch it, at least one episode to see if you like it. Be forewarned though, it is absolutely, extremely VIOLENT. Yup. And you'll never expect it from an animated show.

Good old Serhan was the one who first introduced me to Happy Tree Friends on the world wide web one night when I was suffering from insomnia and had nothing to do. I think he did it partially to stop me from bothering him any further but now, I can see that he just plain wants to spread the joy of evil-ness around. No..serious, I'm not joking. Alright, alright, I'm exaggerating. But that fateful night when he introduced Happy Tree Friends to me, my beloved computer back in Penang lagged a lot and thus, my introduction to the world of Happy Tree Friends had to be postponed until recently.

Holidays had started. I had nothing to do since the library in college doesn't need me to come in to fulfill my scholarship assistantship (more about that in another entry). So, there I was, surfing the net while happily chatting away when I decided to visit Happy Tree Friends for the very first time. And what do I find there? Cute, cuddly animated characters that die horribly in every possible way in each episode. The end of each episode kinds of reminds me of the way Kenny dies each time in South Park but in Happy Tree Friends, you actually get good graphics. By that, I mean, really good graphics. You get to see the guts of the characters spilling out, brains, blood, everything gory that you can think of in a body. And that's pretty unexpected for a first timer cause like I said, the characters are all so cute and cuddly that you can never envision them meeting a gory end. So when it happens, it sure does smack you right in the face with a big "Splat!"

That very first time I watched Happy Tree Friends was without audio cause...erm...cause I couldn't find the plug in the CPU for my earphones? Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want but seriously, I looked really hard and really couldn't find anything that remotely resembles the plug for my earphones. Hence, I had to endure watching Happy Tree Friends without sound and I could only endure it for 5 short episodes. The gruesome end that each character meets at the end of each episode is a tad too much for me to take. And today, good old smart me decided to watch more of it WITH audio this time round. And after 2-3 episodes, that's about all that I can take. Sure, the music is chirpy like any cute, cuddly animation should be but the gruesome end that the characters meet? Makes it all very ironic and more than I could stomach. Maybe I should stick to watching it without audio.

Well, boys and girls, if you have a weak stomach, do not, I repeat, DO NOT watch Happy Tree Friends. But if there's the chance that you do, be prepared. Do not say that I have not warned you guys at all. Happy watching!

2005-06-10T14:42:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder...is it me or is it my friends?

I used to be very close with a couple of girls way back in high school. We're a pretty tight bunch. Doing things together, having pizzas after exams, hang out together all the time, etc. But after high school, things start to fall apart between us. Sure I still try to keep in touch with them but why does it always seem like I'm the one taking the initiative and they don't?

It's been nearly 5 years after we graduated from high school now. We did sort of keep in touch with each other...but somehow, I always feel like I'm the odd one out. No matter how much I try to take the initiative to keep in touch with them, my actions never seem to be appreaciated. Those whom I'm not close to takes the initiative to ask me out (although they've stopped now and it's my fault). BUt those who are suppose to be my "sisters", they are the one who forgot that I ever existed. And...it hurts....it hurts A LOT.

Sigh....I just don't know what I'm rambling about here.

*goes off to think about things and life*

Better Days

2005-06-10T12:51:00.000+08:00

I've been meaning to update everybody that visits this blog for quite some time now about what has been going on between my bf and I but unfortunately, it has taken a REALLY long time for me to do so. What with all the deadlines one after another, I barely even had the time to go online and check my mail, least of all to sit down and blog. So...for all of you out there who's been asking about my bf and I and had shown a substantial amount of concern, here's the update.

Things have definitely gotten better between my bf and I. After the whole issue with K, we did had a fall out. I was sad and hurt and all I could do during that period of time was to yell and shout and scream at him everytime we converse over the phone. All that is gone now. He is more caring these days, at times sensitive towards my need, although sometimes, I still need to remind him that what I need these days is more towards emotional rather than physical.

It all happened after a long, long talk I had with him. During the whole issue that involves K, a lot of my good friends gave well-meant advices to me, asking me to leave a relationship that is obviously draining my energy and happiness away. And frankly, I really do appreciate what they had done for me - being there for me, comforting me, advising me, etc. And I really thank all of them for their well-meant concern (you guys know who you are). But at the end of the day, I decided to throw caution at/into (?) the wind and take a major risk in this relationship. I decided to give it another well-deserved chance. Part of my reluctance to let go of this relationship was because I've dumped so much into it, I've invested so much that letting go doesn't seem to justify what I've done to make this relationship work. Another bigger part, is that I still love him, in a way. I still love him but I find difficulty trusting him wholeheartedly these days. I know...it's not good for the relationship in the long run because relationships are partly built on trust but I'm leaving things as it is for the time being...taking things one day at a time.

Even after I gave our relationship another chance, things are still pretty strained between us because frankly speaking, my bf do not know the right way to having a relationship. I'm not saying that I'm an expert in it, but at least I know what I want and what and how I should do to keep the flame alive. My bf...*sigh*...to him, having a relationship is calling me everyday for less than 5 minutes to 'report' that he's safely home, that he's tired and that he's going to bed. Now, to me, or any other girl for that matter I believe, that is not having a relationship at all. Having a relationship involves a lot of aspect and one of the most important aspect is communication, good communciation. For a long distance relationship, good communication is practically the essence to a relationship's survival. At least that's what I believed in and that's what I wanted. How do you let your partner know what is really going on with your life in a less than 5 minutes call? Not much. In fact, it's practically close to nothing. Sad to say, that was what that has been going on between my bf and I for a really, really long time now. To me, it doesn't even feel like a relationship anymore. It's just like having another person reporting about their day in summary to me.

I tried talking to my bf about it for a very, very long time now. Each time he says that he understands when in actual fact, he doesn't. So during our especially long talk one night, amidst my tears rolling down the whole time, I made him understand. I made him realise finally about the way to having a relationship. I made him realise that his way or his thoughts about having a relationship were wrong. Most importantly, I made him understand completely what I was really feeling inside. And I believe this time round, he finally understood what I've been trying to convey to him all these while. Sure, there was some resistance to it at first from his part, what with him justifying his acts and all, but in the end, he accepted it and things have improved considerably between us.

Right now, we're trying our best to make things work for the better for both of us and for our relationship. There is definitely more giving than taking from his part. He makes an effort to communicate with me during our conversations over the phone. But the loveliest and biggest surprise that he had given me happened just over the weekend. He actually came down to KL to see me. And it was all a surprise. I was at my aunt's place and he just materialise in front of my aunt's house, without my expecting him to come down at all. Note that he has to travel nearly 500km down south to give me this surprise. Even though he could only spend half a day with me (he had to go back up north to work the next day), it was still a lovely surprise. It shows his initiative and perhaps his desire, to make things work between us again. If he keeps up this sensitive side of him, I have a feeling that things would change dramatically between us and this time, the change would be good. *keeping my fingers cross*

Malaysian Idol 2

2005-05-21T21:08:00.000+08:00

Good news people!!! No...I'm not in Malaysian Idol....I can't sing even if my life depends on it....but somebody in the class is in....somebody that the gang and I always hang out with....and the person is none other than....*drum rolls*.....it's none other than Andrew Ooi!! Haha....hope he does go through each hurdle to get into the finals....break a leg dude!!

Update: This should be up 2-3 weeks ago actually but I was just a tad too busy to do anything about it what with all the assignments. Now that it's all over, I can give you guys an update here. Bad news but Andrew didn't make it to the next round. He was one of the unfortunate ones to get eliminated during the second leg of the Idols. So for those of you who knows him, erm...try not to mention it in front of him?

What the hell is wrong with me?

2005-05-19T10:31:00.000+08:00

Been going through quite a lot lately. Not only education wise but I can feel my health deterioating (sp?) rapidly. I've been looking so pale these days..it's a wonder how a little bit of raspberry lip balm from The Body Shop could make me look so much better. And I can't finish my food these days!! Even a small piece of roti canai and I'm still struggling my way through it. In the end, end up eating only 3/4 of it. Nights were the worst! That's when the gastric really hits and I end up feeling nauseaus (sp?) the whole night. Doesn't help that I always get the feeling that I wanted to throw up but I couldn't. Makes things so bad for me. Note: I am NOT pregnant!!

Guess the pressure from college and assignments and the unnecessary stress I give to myself is taking a toll on me. All the late nights tolling away on the computer, finishing up whatever deadlines I have caused me to neglect my meals at times. I guess that explains the fatigue that's so overwhelming these days. Neglecting food has made me only able to take a meal a day or...several small meals a day. I know, I know...it's really bad...but...sigh...I tend to neglect my meals sometimes. Gosh...how I wish my appetite's back again...but I guess as long as I have so much more work to do, I would not be able to think of food the same way again.

Mood Swings

2005-05-10T23:34:00.000+08:00

Coupled with stress from college and the pending monthly 'aunty visits', my mood today has gone haywired, changing it from one end to the other without so much of a blink of an eye. Instead of going from sad to happy or vice versa, my mood decided to go from moody and angry to normal and everything else. It doesn't help a bit that I easily get irritated the whole day and snapped at my friends without any hesitation. It also doesn't help that Jo was at the same state of mood that I am, so instead of comforting each other to calm down, we tend to aggravate each other more and lose our temper even faster. Fortunately, we didn't lose it on each other because if we do, there's a high chance of WW3 exploding into the scene.

My mood didn't get much better throughout the day because of a friend's continuous complains about how super stress and super busy she is because she overload one extra unit this semester and the impending media campaign project that she's doing alone. Erm...excuse me but every Year 2 student is also super stress and super busy with assignments and projects and exams. Just because she overload a unit this semester, she thinks she has more right to complain and doesn't accept other people's complain about being stress and busy. Whenever I said that I get really stressed out thinking about the media campaign project, she will quickly 'shoot' down my statement saying that she's worse off than I am because she's doing it alone and I have a partner to help me out with the report. And she will not forget to remind me that she's overloading this semester. It's ok if she make such statements once in a while but practically several times everyday? Isn't that a bit too much? I'm stressed out here and worried about my work and sometimes, all I need is for someone to listen to me without replying that they are worst off than I am. Is it too much to ask for somebody from my class to listen to me with empathy once in a while without the need to compare herself with me?

So, she's doing an extra unit this semester and doing the media campaign project all by herself. But there are also other Year 2 students who are in the same situation as she is and you don't see them complaining the head of somebody else. She actually had a choice to do the campaign project with another person but in the end, she choose to do it herself because in her own words, "my partner is a slacker". So, she has chosen to do the project herself, so deal with it and stop complaining so much! Stop complaining that she's worst off because she had to do it herself because she chose to do it herself in the first place. Don't go around justifying to others about why she's doing alone and complaining about all the things that she had to do. Start early then! Start researching and sitting down and getting things done! I know it's difficult because of the lack of concentration because I'm going through the same thing, but at least I try my best to accomplish some things before it's too late. I set targets and tried to achieve them albeit being unsuccessful at times because of certain constraints. But at least I tried. I don't sit around saying that I have so much to do and then don't do anything about it.

I know she's unhappy with me today because I answered back, rather, I rebutted what she said about deadlines and all. I know she felt that I made her look bad in front of everybody because she wanted everybody to know how busy she is (I think) and I know that she gave me dirty or angry look after that, even though she thought I didn't see it but I actually did. It also doesn't help a lot that she expects everybody to adapt to her time and schedule and she doesn't try to do the same for others. It's rather selfish me thinks but what can I do? If I confront her, we'll definitely not be talking anymore and frankly, minus all these reserves I have of her, she's still a good friend. I think it's just the mood and stress that's eating up everybody, including me and her, thus all the minor bickering and bitching and what not. Yup, it's definitely the stress and mood that's turning me into such a bitch tonight. Hopefully, things will be better tomorrow though I doubt it because of the campaign presentation!!!

A small reflection about life

2005-04-22T03:01:00.000+08:00

I remember feeling that I was at the end of the world, back then when I was 10 or 11. Then, I was backstabbed by a girl whom I treated as one of my best friends. Because of her jealousy (can't even remember what she was jealous about), I was friendless for the rest of my primary education. The final 2 years of my primary education was hell to me. I live by with only acquaintances and that for me wasn't enough. See, I am an only child, born to a single mother. Dad died even before I was born. My friends mean the world to me. I depended on friendships to survive life. I love my friends, care for them, will do anything just to make them happy, just to make them like me and continue being my friends.

Thinking back, I'm really amazed at how I managed to get on with life then. I remember feeling utterly miserable, that life was at its end. Yet, being the proud old me, I refuse to share my sorrow and misery with my mum. Rather, I lived with it for more than a year before I finally broke down and told my mum everything. Fortunately, the problem changed me to be a better person. I became more independent. I tried to make something good out of my life. I became less of a spoilt brat, rather, maturing way faster than my peers. I learn to take life as it is and make the best come out of the worst that I was facing. But most importantly, I changed. And that change is good.

Even after everything went back to normal after that 2 years, I realise that at every turn, at every opportunity in life, there will be all sorts of problems facing us. And those problems will inevitable change us. Just like what Mabel said, it's up to us to make that change good or bad for us. A few years down the road after that friendless, miserable childhood, I came face to face with another problem. This time, I did things that I regretted. Things I wish I could turn back time and rectify. I was horrible during that period of time. I rebel in every way possible in a very subtle way right to the point where Mum didn't even realise the change in me. That change was bad. Very bad. But after I realise the mistakes I made, realise the hurt, pain and disappointment I caused everybody, I changed again. To be better, to be happier. To be what I was, to be exact, to what I am today.

Life was blissful for me these few years. Sure, there's that occasional problem. But other than the slight glitches that occured in life, I had my peace. Until now. I understand what Mabel and Zeng are trying to say to me. I've thought hard about it. And I come up with this: Why is it possible for me to go on with life with problems when I was young and why isn't it possible now? I compared myself, now and then, and I realise, I was so much stronger when I was 10. I could still continue going to school and do well in my studies even though my private life was practically non-existent then. Sure, I screwed up my life a little when I was 16/17 by turning into a little monster but after that I was still able to make the best out of things and became an even better person. But most important of all, I became tougher, physically and mentally. I find myself doing things I never thought possible, things I never dream I could do. I find myself living a life as it should be lived.

I should not let the death of a loved one break me into pieces. I should not keep on holding the grduge against the man I love to stop living life. What I SHOULD do, is to pick myself up and climb again. What I SHOULD do, is to make the best out of what I have now. What I SHOULD do, is to keep working hard and smart, to keep the things I've achieved so far and to accumulate more. What I SHOULD do, is to see that "change is normal" (quoted from Mabel). We, as human, as children of God, know that bad things happen for a reason, that He allowed it to happen to us in order for us to change, to be better, to reflect in life, to draw close to Him again. At the end of the day, I wonder if it isn't GOd's way of telling me that He's tired of waiting for me to take my own sweet time to serve Him again, that He's allowing all these things to happen so that I will draw close to Him again, to tell me that He still loves me no matter what I did in the past, no matter how I felt I've sinned against Him.

My thoughts are still all over the place. I still have not come to a certain decision of what to make of my life now. One thing for sure, I'll start from the bottom by slowly climbing the uphill task of life again. By climbing these steep stairs, I'll find myself again. Maybe the "me" I find will be a little altered, maybe not. Whatever it is, I pray that the "me" I find will find the courage and spirit in the younger "me" to go on with life and accept change to make the best out of it for myself and those around me.

p/s: Thanks Mabel and Zeng for the words of wisdom.
p/p/s: Zeng, still have no idea who am I do you? LoL

Everything-less?

2005-04-20T01:08:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm not up to form these days, especially at the beginning of this semester. I'm not sure if it's because of my Granny's death or that problem I have with my bf, I don't know what it is, but I know for sure that I feel restless these days.

I don't know what I'm studying half the time, I feel like only my physical being is in class and my mind some where else, I feel so lost this semester. Really, really lost. And worst of all, I don't think I'll be doing very well in my studies this semester. Sure, I may have gotten pretty ok results for my tests so far but assignments and project wise, I'm just so, so lost.

Take MPPL's assignment for example. I had Mabel's help where she gave me an idea, an outline to approach the question yet, when I'm sitting down in front of my computer, I don't know what the heck I'm writing half the time. I just went on and on blabbing and typing words without really registering the whole thing into my mind. And Media Audiences' case study...Oh goodness! I have a really, really bad feeling that I went out of topic, that I blabbed about things that were not significant to the question, things that were not relevant at all, and then I started justifying my actions. Yet, at the end of the day, I knew I went out of topic. I just hope Sham would have mercy on me and give me a much more passable grade. *groans* Oh, and let's not forget how I was literally 'shot' down my Sham during tut presentation on that print ad I did. I got to admit, what he said or commented then was right on the bull's eye. I feel my creativity running away from me, I feel stupid half the time, well most of the time. I don't know what's going on with me anymore.

All those plans I made out for myself, all those aims, it all seem so far away from reach right now. I hope that Sham's impression on me wouldn't go down the drain for the shoddy work I presented then. I hope I still have half the respect from him as my lecturer and frankly, I just feel useless this semester. Even when I'm around Mabel, even Serene, I feel useless, I feel stupid, I feel inadequate. Sometimes, I feel like I don't know how to talk to Mabel anymore. I don't know what to say to her, I don't know how to communicate with her anymore. In fact, come to think of it, other than Jo, I don't know how to communicate with my friends anymore. Whenever I talk to Mum these days, I'll go rambling, talking unnecessarily. Maybe I just didn't want her to be worried about me. I don't know. My feelings are all over the place right now...

I feel moody most of the time. I seldom laugh these days and even when I did, it was not because things or situations are funny, I'm just sort of like forcing myself to laugh. I fell small all the time. I feel hopeless, I feel soulless, I feel spiritless, I feel everything-less, if there's such a word though I doubt it. I feel like I'm at my lowest point now and I hate it, I HATE it!! I hate feeling like this but it is so much easier to continue staying at the bottom rather than picking myself up and start climbing to the top again. It's so easy to wallow in self-pity than do something to counteract it.

Why do human beings have to go through one problem after another? Why do God create humans to be such complex beings? Why can't we just be simple? Isn't it much easier for humans to get along with then? Then, we wouldn't have politics, we wouldn't have war, we wouldn't have so much death around us, but most importantly, we would all be content with what we have, with what God gives us. Why do we have to be so complex and face depression, problems in life, love and whatever? Why? Why? Why?!

Things are pretty off for me right now. Even though Mum's a friend to me at times, this is one of those times where I can't tell her anything as a friend. God,life's so tough for me these days. I feel so unmotivated to do anything about it. Oh God, please, please give me a reason to continue on this shitty life of mine!

I should be...

2005-04-18T06:53:00.000+08:00

...typing feverishly on the keyboard, working on my Media Audiences Case Study but nope, here I am, typing feverishly away on this blog. Bleh!

What an unlucky time for me to catch the flu bug! I had to get it on the night I came back to Penang and because of it, I've been sleeping like a pig, literally for the past 2 days. Didn't help that I have a deadline to meet and there I am, sleeping, like a pig. Sheesh! So here I am, way early, early in the morning, with my case study half done, feeling super, super stressed out and I still find the time to blog. But what do you know? Blogging takes away some of my stress, some of my frustration in my incapabilities in forming precise, correct sentences the way I want to.

It's 7am now and I'm suppose to email my work to Jing so that she'll be able to print and hand in my work. But, my work is only half way done!!!

*takes deep breath*

Right...I shall stop procrastinating around here and get back to work. Only Lord knows how I'm able to produce another thousand words or so by afternoon. Sigh....

Just an update...

2005-04-13T16:30:00.000+08:00

...for those who didn't know about it yet. Well, I've received the Merit Scholarship from KDU again and this time it's a full waiver. Yup, a full waiver for next semester's fees. Frankly, I wasn't too confident in getting it again, so yeah, this was a lovely surprise.

Yet, I wasn't excited or happy as I should be. Maybe the whole thing with my bf's still hanging around me more than I allowed it to. Maybe I was just super tired when I received the news. Whatever it is, Mum was more happy hearing the news than I did. She was so excited that she announced over the phone that we'll celebrate the good news when I go back during the holidays. Looking forward to the celebration but still not very hype up about it. Guess I'm just pretty stress out and tired these days to be happy for the time being. Oh well!

6th April 2005

2005-04-13T16:25:00.000+08:00

I know it's been a week since I last wrote this down but I was pretty busy lately and didn't have time to put this up. Whatever that is pasted below was how I felt on the 6th, not of late.

A Very Broken Heart

Sometimes, no matter how much preparation you did to prepare yourself for the inevitable, no matter how much you tell yourself that you'll be ok when the actual truth is out, things don't always turn out the way it is, especially when the ugly truth decides to directly smack you on your face to wake you up.

When I came to the conclusion that my bf's been cheating on me, I prepared myself to find out more about his secret rendezvous. I suspected that K wasn't the first girl he had been having an affair with and that there were many more. I prepared myself for it, for the ugly truth to descend on me. But when if finally did, I could hear my heart break into another million pieces on top of the other million pieces that has formed a pile at the bottom of my heart. I realised that the supposed happiness and bliss that I felt for the past 4 years were actually fabrication of lies and deceit. And that the most foolish person in the world right now is me. I was so taken with his sweet words, his declaration of love to me, that I fell hard, really very hard in love with him, even more than I would admit.

I've survived nearly 48 hours without shedding a tear, but now, I find them flowing down like there's no tomorrow. I know I should direct my attention to something more productive like my studies and my assignment but useless me can't stop thinking of anything but the lies that I believed for more than 4 years. I should have walked away when I had the opportunity. When we broke up briefly in 2003. I should just continue walking away without turning back for a second glance, because that second glance has cause me all these pain that I felt now. Friends had told me that I deserved better. Some knows the whole truth of my sacrifices, some don't. I am very, very tempted to walk away. But my low self-esteem prevented me from doing so. I have to build up a big enough courage in me before I am able to walk away. And also, it's not easy to walk away from a 4 year relationship as one thinks. Imagine one putting in all effort and sacrificing so much to make a relationship work, and then imagine walking away from it, leaving everything that one have built. I decided to stay on a little while more not because it was such a pity to leave such a long relationship behind, but rather, I want to disassociate myself with everything that I've done before I'm ready to leave.

He's a really good actor. He really deserves to win an Oscar. He is such good an actor that I believe I'm not the only one fooled by him, but also his family. To his family, and also myself, I'm his official gf, a woman that he wants to marry in the future. But behind our backs, he's been with God knows how many girls and he was so good at covering his tracks that he was never caught by anybody til now. I knew he was a playboy when I met him. He told me that he changed, that he didn't want to play with any girls' feelings and that he's ready to commit and I believed him. Old habits die hard. A leopard's spots never changes. Yet, I'm foolish enough, naive enough, innocent enough to believe that he truly had changed and that I'm his one and only. He may not be my first bf, but he is my first love, the first guy I've ever love. However, I know I should not base on this fact and stay on in a relationship that will only do me more harm emotionally and mentally. Time is what I need now to build that courage and walk away.

One Final Chance

2005-04-04T21:00:00.000+08:00

I received a message from a girl that I do not even know in Friendster last Friday. In the message, she claims to be my bf's gf, or at least was my bf's gf until Thursday night. And I'm supposedly to be my bf's so-called 'godsister'. Here's the message I saved from Friendster:

Hi G,

I would not be surprise if you wouldnt know me.
The fact is, I do not know you too. You got to be
feeling real awkward why am I writing you this long
winded letter about. Let me do a brieft introduction
about myself.

My name is K. I am AL's ex-gf. I do not
know you knew about my existances or not. If you
knew, hello again. If you do not, Hello then. The
moment I am writing you this, I just got off the
hook with your "kai kor". We just broken up. He is
now emotionally driven and needs your full support
desperately. If you want to know the true reason of
the breaking up; here are the written scenarios.

If you are thinking I do not know who you are. I
think I know enough between the relationship
between you and alvin as "kai chi mui" or whatever
bullshit. I dont trust in these things anyway..

It started out with your sms-es and some pictures I
saw in his handphone. The words of "I love you
daddy muacks." Is something unacceptable to me.
The more I read. The more I feel like throwing up. I
dislike competitions when I need to share my
boyfriend with someone non-blood related. If you
would wanna call me sensitive, would you like your
bf to recieve the same messages if you would to
be in somewhere distant with your bf and you do
not talk to him until midnight? Try putting your
feets in my shoe. Then we will talk. Short note;
you were a threat to my relationship. (Please take
notice of the past tenses).

Conclusion, we broke up as A is supporting
you. I am letting him go for good. He is emotionally
driven now. I suggest you give him a call and say
Hello.

You can call me sensitive. Every woman will be
unless you are a man. G doesnt seems like a
man to me. I do not believe you are transexual
either therefore I am writing this to you.

As now A and I has officially broke up, you can
call him Daddy and love you muacks all the time
as he can call you lou poh and baby as much as
you like.

Honestly speaking, I dislike sharing my properties.
If you want a piece of him, take him entirely. I aint
going to snatch him away from you. You might
wanna start calling me names. I do not care. The
true original reason I am breaking up? You can put
the blame on yourself.

You can blame it on my anger, sensitivity or
ignorances. I do not need a second opinion from
you. I am sick of trying to erase all the sweet
words you sent to A off my brains and the
name calling. The sms is hurtful enough, together
with the picture, I think I am through with it.

You would not need to worry no more. This would
be probably the only message I would send to you.
Till you reply or I think you deserve a reply, I shall
drop another 2 thousand characters over.

Fact is I would be going to the States soon. You
can have A all you want. If you want to know
how I feel, give me your bf's handphone number
and I shall drop a bomb of sweet "Hello Daddy,
blah blah blah, love you muacks" messages. Then
probably you will know how hurtful I will feel.

If you have respected him as you kai kor, I never
thought I was NOT respected as his GF. You can
not piss off as ALL i could ever care.

Here is the deal. Call A, and please be very
concern of him. He is very very stressful now and
desperately need accompany. I am sorry I couldnt
do the job because I am hurtful enough to heal
myself. I hope his "kai mui" will do it for him.

Take very good care and best wishes.. I hope after
this case, may my next coming relationship may
know have any "kai-chi mui" bullshiat.. I shall send
all my regards to you and A. May the lovings of
each other brings prosperity to your relationship.

Regards,
K

Yup...that's how the message went. I did not edit a single thing except for the names. The first time I read it, I was stunned, shocked. I wasn't able to register anything into my mind until I re-read the whole message several times. Then it hit me, "Wham!", just like that. A few thoughts were running around in my head. First, either she's lying or second, she's not. But what really got my blood boiling was the fact that she had to come and disturb my peace of mind when she's suppose to handle things with my bf. In short, she was supposedly to be going after my bf and somehow, I got dragged into the picture. I blasted my bf over the phone for this disruption of peace. I trust him enough to handle any unwanted attention from girls that are going after him from finding out about my personal life and from disturbing me but this is too much. And the fact that she found me on Friendster instead of messaging me through SMSes. That's the mind-boggling thing. How the hell did she found me in Friendster in the first place? She's connected to me through several people who are my bf's friends. Waiting for them to provide me with an answer as to how she knew who I was in the first place.

However, as I begun to analyse about the situation again and again, I find myself thinking about all possibilities. My bf could be having an affair with her behind my back and got tired of playing around with me, thus dropping the "bomb" that he actually has something going on with his so-called 'godsister' (that's me). Or, that girl could really be trying to break us up by creating a bunch of lies. One thing for sure though, my bf encouraged her enough to lead her to believe that she's his gf. One hand trying to clap doesn't produce any sound. In this case, it's quite obvious that one hand belongs to her and the other belongs to my bf. It also got me thinking that my best friend could be right when she told me that she saw him with another girl in Penang. After the description I obtained from my best friend about the girl, I'm very convinced that he really has been having an affair behind my back. I really can't believe that after all these years of sacrifice and understanding from my part, he would repay it all this way. There are just so many thoughts in my head right now it's hard for me to put them into words right now.

Most of my friends want me to get out of the relationship because they said that I deserve better and that I don't need this kind of shit right now. Some said that I should stay on because of the numerous sacrifices I had made for him. But to me, it isn't really important now whether I decide to stay or not. It's a matter of trust now. He breached the trust I had on him. And frankly, right now, I just don't trust him anymore. I kept thinking that all that he told me in the past, about how much he loves me, about how he would die without me, all those are just lies. LIES!! My best friend pointed a really good point. She said the moment I said that she might have mistaken my bf for somebody else, she knew how much I love my bf. To the point where I created all reasons on behalf of him. Thinking about what she said, I got to admit that she was right. I was in denial. I didn't want to believe that he is just like any bastard out there who treats a girl like that. I wanted to believe that he was special, that he was the ONE for me. Maybe I'm wrong after all. I really don't know if I would stay on in this relationship right now. But one thing for sure, if I were to stay, he really have to work really hard to regain my trust for him again but right now, right exactly at this moment, my trust-o-meter towards him is way, way below zero.

I guess like what everybody told me, my only mistake was to be blinded by love. Me, a cynical, sceptical person when it comes to matters of the heart, could fall prey to something that couldn't be explained by any logical reason. I guess love does hit you when you least expected it. All those times when he made me believe that he loves me more than I love him, it's just a ploy for him to get away with things that he did. He took advantage of my naivety, my innocence, and most importantly, my love for him. I'm really a stupid, stupid fool. I gave him the ultimatum just now. I'm giving him one FINAL chance and that's all he have from me. A final chance to redeem himself. I'm giving him the chance to regain my trust with a condition though, I'll be setting a time limit for him to do so. I would not be telling him how much time he has to regain my trust, but if during that period of time he is still not able to regain even the slightest trust from me, I'll let him go for good. That's my final decision. Right now, it's a matter of getting the courage to execute such plans. I have no problems about giving him one final chance, it's the part where if he is able to gain my trust. I really pray that when the time comes and I really have to walk away, God really has to give me all the courage He can summon in me to walk away for good. To walk away from all the pain, hurt, disappointment that the end of this relationship has given me. Until then, it's just a matter of waiting around and looking at how he's performing. Also, I'll make him repay every sacrifice I made for him. I know I sound really petty right now but frankly, I think I deserve to take back what belongs to me. Sigh...life sure sucks real bad right now. Missions to accomplish:

i)Concentrate on MPPL and Media Audiences assignments
ii)Stop feeling pitiful for myself
iii)Stop crying at every available opportunity
iv)Get a grip of myself and go on with life

As long as I can accomplish all four of the above, I'm safe for the time being.

A Night Out

2005-03-25T03:00:00.000+08:00

It's been ages since I last went clubbing. I'm not the type who would fork out a large sum of money every weekend to dance and drink but once in a blue moon, it's a really nice feeling to let down the hair a little and just enjoy myself. Last night was Ladies' Night in Zouk and since Jo and I have been itching to go clubbing weeks ago, and also since Rachel's gonna move to her aunt's place thus revoking her full freedom, the 3 of us including Desree decided to go have fun and dance out hearts out.

Rachel wasn't sure of the way to Zouk. Thus, I ended up being the driver of the night, driving Rach's car down to KL even though it's been ages since I last drove down there. With some intuition and some pre-journey direction from my bf, I finally got us to Zouk safe and soundly. Rach, Desree and I enter the club first cause Jo was with her bf's brother at some Lampe Berger meeting. After Jo met up with us, we waited a little while for the dance floor to fill up before we started shaking out booties to our hearts' content. It was fun, it was wild, it was everything exciting. It's really been ages and ages ago since I last dance til my legs cramped up, literally. Unfortunately, Jo was not really in the mood because she was sleepy and tired at the same time. No matter how much we tried to get her in the mood to enjoy and dance with us, she was just standing there, barely moving most of the time.

There was one point of time when Desree and Rach wanted to get a drink while Jo and I remained in the dance floor. Jo was still barely moving and I was barely moving myself either because of leg cramp. After a while, I started dancing again and all of a sudden, a b**** just pushed us apart and danced in between us, as if we're invisible. It did not help that her hair was freaking long and she kept turning and turning around and her hair kept hitting my face. Jo was pretty pissed off with her and started dancing and pushing her around while I kept avoiding getting my toes stepped from that b****. Before I knew it, the bass was right behind my back and I couldn't move anywhere else because it was just so crowded. And the b*** kept moving towards me because her girl friend just had to choose to stand in front of me.

As I try my best to avoid her, I kept bumping into a Nigerian/African guy who was standing on my right. I guess he must have somehow misinterpreted the accident cause when I stepped a distance away from him, he smiled at me and gesture with his hand for me to stand beside him again. I knew at that moment that if I was naive, went and stood beside him and continued dancing, he will take it as a sign that I agreed for him to hit on me. So I declined while smiling back at him. I may have overanalyse the brief situation but prevention is better than cure. Or, maybe I'm just trying to flatter myself to think that someone would hit on me while I'm out clubbing with my friends. Hehe...there's even a possibility that I'm testing to see if I have some level of attractiveness in me that will catch a guy's attention. But then again, with majority of the ladies there dressing outrageously sexy, I don't think I will stand a chance.

Overall, the night was fun. I really got to dance my heart out. And I really enjoyed dancing with Rach and Desree. I was just a little upset with that b**** that spoiled the end of my night. Ok, I was really pissed off with the b**** but one small insignificant person did not spoil my night after all.

Never Judge A Book By Its Cover

2005-03-24T20:16:00.000+08:00

Everybody must have heard of the saying 'never judge a book by its cover' at least a gazillion times before. And even though it was relentlessly ingrained into our minds not to judge a person by the first impression, we still tend to do so because it's just part of our nature. We tend to avoid people who gave us a bad first impression. As for those who gave us a rather good first impression, we would like to get to know them better. I read about a research done on first impressions (can't remember where I read it before) and the researchers found out that we tend to have good impressions on people who are good looking, neat, dress well and anything positive that we can find about that person. However, if we feel that a person gave us negative first impressions, we would do our best to avoid that person, shunning him/her even before we got to know that person well.

Nobody could escape saying that they've never judged a book by its cover before. I don't deny the fact that I sometimes do tend to trust my first impression on a person rather than getting to know that person well enough to pass judgement on him/her. I've always avoided getting to know guys from my hostel because my first impression towards them were not positive. I was stereotyping them, being judgemental and trusting my first impression rather than giving myself a chance to get to know them better. I tend to shun them, prefering my own company most of the time. But mixing around with Jo made me see a better picture of those guys in my hostel.

I was rather apprehensive hanging out with the guys in the first place because of the feelings of prejudice and stereotype in me, which I'm not proud to announce. But after hanging out with them for a few weeks now, I find my apprehension towards them, my prejudice towards them, my stereotyping towards them, slowly dissolving into the thin air because the guys are actually really nice people. Even though their skin is darker than mine or their dressing is typically 'Ah Beng', they are actually really, really smart guys who are doing courses that even I wouldn't dare dream of doing. They are also very caring people, always asking me how am I when they found out that I was sick for a whole week. And frankly, hanging out with them do make me laugh more often these days. I find myself not wallowing in self-pity so much these days and I found myself slowly accepting the reality that Granny's not here anymore even though it feels surreal at times.

But most importantly, by following the saying 'never judge a book by its cover', I found myself much happier these days amid the stressful situation that I face everyday in the college. =)

Being Irresponsible

2005-03-17T21:30:00.000+08:00

"You come in tomorrow just in case la"

That's the very words I saw in the SMS he sent me. He happens to be a friend of mine, who happens to be the president of the club and he is currently not doing a very good job as a president, in fact, he has not been doing anything that he's suppose to do, instead pushing all the responsibilities for me to do just because I'm his vice.

We were suppose to have a meeting with the head of department tomorrow to discuss about our reluctance to merge the club with the diploma students and why it's utterly impossible to do so at the same time. I've been sick for the past couple of days, am still sick as I'm typing away on my keyboard right now. He was suppose to find out the time we were to meet the head from our club advisor by evening. He sent me a message in the afternoon saying that the advisor's unsure of the time to meet with the head tomorrow and said he'll keep me updated. By 8pm, he still hasn't updated me about anything and so I messaged him asking if it's still on. He replied saying that our advisor didn't tell him anything. And that got my mind reeling. If the advisor didn't tell him anything, isn't it his duty to question her or remind her just in case she forgets? If I'm able to do that; asking my advisors issues concerning the club or reminding her to do something for the club, when he's not around at all, why can't he do the same? After all, he's the president and have full authority to execute any plans for the club without anyone questioning him. Why did he have to wait until after dinner time to call and ask our advisor about the time for the meeting? Doesn't he knows that she doesn't like to be disturbed unless necessary when she's at home since she has so little time to relax these days? I couldn't help feeling that the least he could do was to be a little more understanding about her situation and also instead of being lazy and dragging his feet, try to ask her for a confirmation of the time whenever she's free, just in case she forgets.

I'm thinking that if I did not ask him to ask our advisor if it's still on tomorrow, he would insist that I still come to college and find out then if the meeting's on. I could have easily picked up the phone, called our advisor and ask her instead but I choose not to. Why? Cause it's time for him to do some of his job. And since the meeting's off, I might be coming for absolutely no reason at all. I don't even have any classes tomorrow and I had to come in for a meeting that wouldn't even be on?! Let's see if he would do that on a day that he doesn't have class. And I already know the answer to that. He'll probably said that he's busy or he doesn't even have class on that day. I keep asking myself this: Why am I so bloody nice?!

I really don't like complaining about him to others but seriously, he's too besotted with his darling girlfriend to do a proper job as a president. When the orientation was suppose to be on, he's suppose to do all the planning for it with me assisting him. But no, that's not what happened. He asked me how's the planning for the orientation going on and I went, "WHAT?!" Inside me, I kept thinking that it's not my job, it's his! And frankly, he didn't tell me any of his plans for the orientation either. So how am I suppose to assist him in the first place? Take the other instance when we were having a meeting in a class and later on we had to adjourned our meeting outside the classroom. There were still details to map out and discuss about. He left his bag with us, told us he had to go check out something in the radio studio and didn't come back until much later. And when he did, he only came back and sat around for less than 5 minutes and then he's off to the studio again. I was conducting the meeting the whole time he wasn't there. Even after we're finished with the meeting, he's not back yet and I was kind enough to bring the bag down to the studio for him. There were so many things that he's suppose to do as a president but didn't. Instead, he asked others to do it for him ie getting a friend to get the constitution of the club from our ex president, asking that same friend to announce that orientation's cancelled, etc. I even had to planned a date to meet up with our advisor a few weeks back and asked everybody if they can attend it. I planned the date for the meeting, not him. I planned it and asked him to ask our advisor if she's free that day in the afternoon. He did jackshit on planning for the meeting. In fact, I'm rather sure he didn't even think of having meetings.

Sigh...I'm really sick of all this so-called bitching from my side. He's my friend, a good friend to boot. But he has changed tremendously ever since his girl got back for Ozzy and I don't like that change a bit since it's turning him into an irresponsible person who sits around on his lazy bum doing nothing while expecting everybody to do things at his bidding. And I'm not the only one who's not happy about this change. All of us in the group doesn't like the change one bit and so far, we're just too polite to say anything right into his face because he's still our friend and we don't want any awkward situations between us. Hopefully when the time comes for the bitching session, which our advisor planned on having, he'll be able to receive those criticism and not keep it inside him even after the session. *groans* I hate confrontations. >_<

I Can't Stand Her Anymore

2005-03-17T13:15:00.000+08:00

I'm referring to my housemate,a 19 year old girl who also happens to be a genius when it comes to her studies. But frankly, her attitude towards housekeeping leaves a lot of room for improvement.

She only cares for her own hygiene and the cleanliness of her things but anything that has to do with the flat, she just plain ignore. Take for instance the electric kettle provided to each unit of flat from the hostel. Before I left for my 3 months holidays last year, the kettle was still in tip top condition and was still happily boiling water for everybody's use. But 3 months later when I returned from my holidays, the kettle can't even boil a litre of water anymore. It's easy to conclude that the kettle want bongkers during my holidays but does she even bother to bring it down to the guardroom and report about it? Of course she did....NOT!! She just left it as it is on top of the refrigerator and instead of bringing it down to report it so that our hostel supervisor can get it fix, she rather walk 4 flights of stairs down to the ground floor and use the water dispenser there to fill up her supply of water. One would thought that she would have walked that 4 flights of stairs down to report that the kettle was spoiled but nope, she rather fill up her water bottles rather than report it. I was so mad and fed up with her that rather than reporting it myself, which will result in the kettle getting it fix and she would also get to use it, I went and get myself a new electric kettle that I only I alone will be able to used it. I purposely didn't offer her to use it and guess what she did a week or two later? She bought herself an electric kettle too! Exactly similar to the one that the hostel offers! Can you believe it?!

I'm not being petty here or anything but I'm really fed up with me making sure the place is clean or neat all the time without her help. When my ex-housemates were around, I still have another 2 person to help me clean the place up a little. But now that both of them had moved out, it's only me. And it's no use telling her or asking her to help cause she wouldn't. Asking her to throw the rubbish bag out everytime it's full is already a chore to her, asking her to help clean the place? I think she rather disappear for a few hours rather than sweep or mop the place up. There were several times when I saw the rubbish bin full and didn't want to throw it out because I want to see if she would. Instead of tying up the edges of the bag and throw it away, she rather force her rubbish into the bin that is obvious very full and couldn't contain anymore rubbish. And the times when the lights went off or the light bulb just blew. She can't even be bothered to fill in the maintenance form so that the hostel supervisor can do something about it. I had to do it each time. She's just so bloody lazy to do anything for the goodness of others who's living in the same flat as she is. Or maybe she only cares about herself. When she spill water on the table, she doesn't bother to wipe it dry, leaving puddles of water on the table.

For someone who has a full scholarship from the Government, she sure has a bad attitude in housekeeping. I find her selfish. Oh, did I even mention the way she hoards the whole fridge with only her stuff? We have this unspoken rule where we have a certain amount of space in the fridge and we don't leave our stuff in other people's space unless we get their permission first. If she's able to abide to this 'rule' when my 2 ex-housemates were around, I simply don't understand why she couldn't continue doing it after they moved out. I have quite a lot of stuff my self in the fridge and cabinets but you don't see me leaving my food stuff all over everybody's space in the house. And she kept cramming her stuff into my space and I kept shifting her stuff to her own space. Argh!!!!

15th March 2005

2005-03-17T12:33:00.000+08:00

I'm Struggling

It's been over 3 weeks since Granny passed away but it seemed like to me like she's gone for a very long time now. I'm slowly but surely getting better as each day passes by. Of course there are times when I still cry thinking about her but it had begun to cease day by day and now, I try to store every good memory I had of her in me so that sometimes, I can take them all out and smile instead of cry when I think of her again. I have a picture of her, Mum and I when I was three and everytime I look at it, I find myself smiling slowly instead of breaking down and cry.
Eventhough I'm slowly getting over her death, I still find myself struggling everyday to finish my required readings for the all 3 of my units. I find them extra dry compared to last year and whenever I think of the assignments that we had to finish, I shudder. My confidence in me and my studies, confidence about the fact that I'm good in my studies are slowly breaking down, dissolving into nothingness. All my insecurities, worries and low self-esteem are slowly seeping into my life. I find myself being ultra sensitive at times towards my friends actions or words eventhough I know deep down inside that it's actually only a small matter. I find myself constantly worrying if I've offended any of my friends and if they'll desert me or start ignoring. At the rate I'm going, I'm really afraid that I'll go back to the old me. The me who was a wallflower. The me who was submissive to everybody. The me who everybody can push around easily. The me who constantly wants to please everybody to be accepted.

The last couple of years, I've changed quite a bit. I may be quiet at times or at the beginning when I first get to know people but those who know me well would testify without hesistation that I can be loud and fiesty and out going if I want to. I thought that I had finally gotten rid of the old me but I guess I was wrong. She was hiding around behind the new me, lurking, waiting for the right time to come out. I'm struggling behind closed doors right now. Struggling to get a hold of myself. Struggling to stay the way I am now. Struggling to improve myself. Struggling in my studies. In short, I'm just struggling for everything.

I did not tell anybody that I'm struggling because I do not want to burden anybody. If somebody shows me kindness, no matter how tiny that act is, I'm really touched and happy. But how often do one come across kindness? Thus, I'm slowly sinking into depression that I don't even understand and I'm struggling against it. I do not want to be depress! It's depressing to be depress. There are so many things that I want to accomplish. There are people who depends on me, namely my Mum. Yet, even with this knowledge, I find myself wishing that I could die. Then I would no longer have any worries or problems. But then again, death doesn't solve everything. Death is not the solution to everything. How often have I said that to my friends I do not know. But my own words keep haunting me that eventhough I wished for death to fall upon me, there's still a rational side of me, a small little voice that's telling me to be strong, that everything will be all right.

Somebody...anybody...please help me........

4th March 2005

2005-03-17T11:30:00.000+08:00

A Time Of Grief

I have not blog for ages. But then, there’s a fairly reasonable reason for it. First off, for those who do not know, I’d been working during the holidays in Uncle Andrew’s company as an administrative clerk. Pay’s pretty good considering that I’m just a clerk but then, I guess that’s the perks of being the boss’s niece. Everyday after work, I was just too darn tired to do anything. All I did when I reached home were to have my dinner, take my bath, sit around watching tv for an hour or two and then I’m off to bed. Travelling to and fro Penang everyday is very, very tiring. Especially more so during peak hours.

Another reason why I’ve not been online and blogging was my Granny. Granny’s gotten pretty sick for the past 1 or 2 years and somewhere in October or November last year, she was even admitted to the hospital for a couple of days because her sugar level dropped drastically one day. It gave us all a big scare, especially me in KL cause I couldn’t see her at all and I didn’t know how she was doing. Thank goodness at that time, she got over it and was back to normal within a week. After that scare, I started to prepare myself that she won’t be with us for long. But deep inside me, I was still praying that she’d be able to last long enough to witness my graduation. But no matter how hard I prayed, God just didn’t want to answer that prayer cause two weeks ago, 21st February to be exact, she was taken away from us forever.

Before Granny got admitted into the hospital recently, I was spending most of my free time and weekends with her and mum. Taking them out for meals, taking them out to shop for Chinese New Year stuff, basically just spending all my time with her. I brought them to the new Secret Recipe outlet in Autocity because Granny’s never been there before. And even though she complained that it was expensive, it was worth spending my money there because she was enjoying her food and digging into her food happily.

Granny was admitted into the hospital a week before CNY. I was on my way back home from work on a Wednesday when Mum called and said that she’s sending Granny to the hospital. When I met up with Mum in the hospital half an hour later, she told me that she found Granny gasping for air when she reached home after work and that Granny was disorientated and could barely recognise her. When the doctor came out from the emergency room, he promptly informed us that Granny’s heart was beating pretty weakly and that caused water to fill her lungs. Thus, the gasping for air. He told us that she needs to be admitted into the ICU so that they can monitor her condition closely. Surprisingly, she got better that night and the next day, she was up and about even though she still has to use the oxygen mask to help her breath. I spend several hours accompanying her during the day and she was talking to me, gossiping about people. Later that night, Mum and I were there to accompany her and we were even joking bout stuff. When two of my cousin sisters came, she can even rebuke what they said and made all of us laugh.

Unfortunately, from the third day onwards, her condition deteriorates rapidly and caught us all unprepared. She didn’t want to wake up or even bother to open her eyes when we went to visit her. We tried feeding her and she will open her mouth for us to feed her food but she still refuse to open her eyes. She just continued sleeping and Mum and I brushed it off that she was very tired for not sleeping well for the past two nights. But that night, alarm bells rang in my head when I noticed that she’s not moving her right limbs but I brushed it off as being paranoid. What I suspected came true on the fourth day of her admission. I asked Mum to question the doctor during his morning visits and after sending her for CT scan, they confirmed that she had a stroke because there were brain clots on the left side of her brain. My heart constricted badly when I heard the news but Mum and I ploughed on bravely. There was even a physiotherapist who came and taught us how to exercise her limbs and we diligently moved and exercised her limbs throughout the day.

On the fifth day in the morning when Mum went to the hospital to see Granny, Granny’s blood pressure dropped all of a sudden and her oxygen saturation in the body dropped to a low level of 60% and continued dropping. The doctor came and said that she wouldn’t last long and asked if Mum wanted to bring her home since old, Chinese tradition depicts that old people rather die at home than in the hospital. After questioning all the options, Mum finally decided to send Granny home so that she could passed away peacefully cause that’s what Granny really wants. However, when she got home, instead of her condition deteriorating, it improved. Yes, she was still having difficulty breathing and all, but her right limbs that she couldn’t move at all was beginning to move a lot. And she got stronger as the day passes by without food, oxygen or drip. At the end of the day, we decided to send her back to the hospital after she had a look at everybody who rushed back to see her thinking it was her last day.

Granny spent the next two weeks or so in the hospital before Mum transferred her to an old folk’s home because there was nothing much to do for her except to give nursing care. We can’t send her back home because Mum’s working and I’m here in KL studying. Basically, there’s no one at home to make sure she’s ok or give her any care. That’s the disadvantage of having an only child. Anyway, when she was discharged from the hospital and admitted into the home, her condition was improving and we expected her to hold on for a couple more months. But on the third day in the home, she just took one last breath and left us forever. When I received the news of her death, I didn’t break down and cried like I expected but rather, I felt numb all over. I was incapable of crying then, I couldn’t feel anything except for numbness, I was restless, I was basically just in a state of shock for the whole night. The only thing that I was grateful and happy was the fact that Granny passed away in peace. Without pain and discomfort. It’s just one last breath and ‘bye bye world’.

When I got home and saw her lying in the casket looking so peaceful, I finally broke down and cried. At the same time, I thank God that He made sure that she was at peace when He decided to take her away from us. The rest of the week until Granny’s funeral passed in front of me in a state of blurness. I barely ate anything and I was tired everyday, not from crying but from staying up late every night sitting beside Granny’s casket and burning joss paper. I was also tired and irritated, not to mention frustrated with some of my aunts who had nothing better to do than to gossip and create all kinds of politics and arguments during that week. As if Mum and I do not have enough in our hands to handle, we had to act as peacemakers and sometimes, we ended up being the villain in their ‘war’.

After Granny’s funeral, after everyone left and only Mum and I were at home, I can’t help feeling at how quiet the house is and in a way, how lonely it is. When Granny’s around, she’ll always on the tv loudly or else, she’ll be gossiping or complaining about someone. Or if she went to bed early, I can always hear her bed creak loudly whenever she turns even though I’m out in the living room. All of a sudden, I just miss her so much, so dearly that it hurts deep inside and I just start to rebuke myself for the times when I was rude to her, for the times when I answered back whenever she reprimand me, for the times when I was impatient with her, for the times when I argued with her, for the times when I showed my disrespect towards her…I knew that it was no use for me to regret about the things I’ve done and I knew that no matter how naughty I was, she’ll still always forgive me and continued loving me. Yet, I wished I could turn back time and treat her a little better than before. That is why whenever somebody asked me how am I regarding Granny’s death, I always tell them that at least, I did spend all my free time accompanying her, taking her out when I was back home or else, there would be an even bigger guilt and regret in me now.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve stopped crying or that it doesn’t hurt anymore whenever I talked or think about Granny. It still hurts a lot and I still cry if I’m alone, but I’ve slowly accepted the fact that the next time I’m home, I won’t be able to see Granny anymore or take her out for her favourite food. I’m still grieving over her death but time is slowly healing my heart…time…that’s what I need…

False news

2004-12-27T18:18:00.000+08:00

For somebody who claims to be educated and quite smart in a way, I'm sure quite stupid when it comes down to this:- the paranoia enveloping Penang.

Why didn't I think of checking the Internet for correct news? Why didn't I check to verify if the news are true? Why am I so stupid enough to let other people's paranoia get into my nerves? Why didn't I just trust my intuition for once instead of letting other's dictate what I do? Why am I so darn stupid?!

The news about a second tsunami happening is false after all. Why, why, why for the sake of my life didn't I think of verifying the news in the Internet? Oh wait, right! I don't have access to it. But is it an excuse not to think of it as a source? N-O-P-E!! Nope, nope, nope! I could have asked my friends that have Internet access to check it out for me! I'm just stupid enough to forget about it!!!!!!

Yes, the paranoia surrounding everybody now is understandable, because of the lost lives of the innocents. But I really find those jokers or pranksters who created those false sms to be f**king b*****ds who have nothing better to do but create havoc in people's lives. Ohhhhhh...I so hate myself for not trusting my instinct!

Paranoia

2004-12-27T17:43:00.000+08:00

I am so angry at myself right now. I feel that I've abused my status as the boss' niece today and because of that, I had inadvertently made somebody displeased with the whole situation. I am now currently at home and guess what the time is now? Yup, it's only 5 plus in the evening, when I should still be at work cause work only finishes at 6! Because of paranoia going on in the whole of Penang, I'm now back at home, venting all out right now.

Because of yesterday's tsunami that had landed in Penang and caused the death toll to reach 38, a lot of Penangites are now in a state of paranoia. Early this morning, I've been receiving sms-es warning people not to use the Penang bridge between 7-8pm for fear of a 2nd tsunami happening as a result of the aftershock earthquake that caused disaster everywhere in Asia yesterday. I was pretty sceptic about the whole news because if there's an issued warning on the usage of the bridge, why isn't there a warning on the usage of the ferry? Wouldn't people taking the ferry be at higher risk than those using the bridge if there's gonna be another 10 metre high wave coming towards Penang island? Despite my own sceptism and my own intuition telling me that the news are false, I let my Mum's and my bf's paranoia get the better of me.

My bf's been calling the whole day, telling me about the news and updating me about it. Yet, I still feel apprehensive. I kept asking him to verify the news by watching Astro or listening to the radio but he prefers to listen to what his relatives has to say. Yes, I know they care about me, that they all worry about me. But I can't help feeling that sometimes, they jump into conclusions before getting the whole truth. They kept saying they heard it from Astro, but when I question them from which channel in Astro did they heard the news from, they said they don't know. I think it's just word by mouth that got everybody here in Penang so paranoid about the whole thing.

Because of my Mum's insistence for me to go home soon (news was that the Penang bridge would be closing soon from 4-5 pm til the next morning), I asked for my superior's permission to go home early. Unfortunately, he said the news were false and did not allow me to go home early. I was in a state of blurness then because I didn't know what to do. A part of me tells me that the news are false too, yet a part of me tells me that I should appease my Mum. In the end, I thought of a brilliant idea (which turns out to be not so brilliant after all) and called Aunty Sandy to asked if she's home so that she can verify the news for me through Astro. Unfortunately, Aunty Sandy's not at home and so I told her the whole story. She said she'll call my Uncle Andrew and asked him if I could go home early (I'm currently working in Uncle Andrew's company). Few minutes later, she called back to say that Uncle Andrew's partner said that I could go home early and asked to speak to my superior so that she can tell him herself to allow me to go home. After taking that call from me, my superior's face showed that he was not happy about the whole thing but he does not have any choice because I'm the boss' niece and the boss' wife said that I could go home early. I felt so bad because part of believes that the news are not true too. My colleagues all encouraged me to go home early, because according to them, prevention is better than cure. In this case, the news might be true after all. In the end, I left the office early, despite the unhappy face that my superior showed me.

When I reached the junction turning into the bridge, I got really mad! There, up on the board in green, is the message, "Jambatan dibuka seperti biasa". In English, it means that the bridge is open as usual. There's no closure whatsoever!! I really felt like turning back to the office right there and then but a phone conversation with my bf made me continued my way back home. I was really angry at myself for not trusting my instinct! In fact, I'm still angry at myself now. If the news really do turn out to be false, I'll be too embarrassed to face my superior tomorrow. Argh!!!!!!!!!

*goes off to scream*

Work

2004-12-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

First day at work was really, really boring. I was suppose to go into the office at 9.30am, thus I left home around 8.10am for fear of a traffic jam at the Penang bridge. Surprisingly, traffic was smooth going and before I knew it, I've already reached Penang around 8.40am. Remembering the conversation I had the day before with my uncle, I knew that there wouldn't be anybody in the office until 9.00am. Not knowing where to go, I drove straight to my uncle's house which was nearby and we went for breakfast together at Chef&Brew (p.s. there's a Chef&Brew outlet in Alamanda Putrajaya too). SO, instead of turning up at the office at 9.30am, my uncle, his senior finance manager (who joined us for breakfast too) and I only went into the office after 10.00am. =P Not very good impression I admit, and it sort of shows the staff there that I have good relations with the boss (which was kinda true considering that I'm the boss' niece). But still...oh well!

Anyway, I was filling in forms and had to wait for a Mr Ong to take me to Public Bank to open an account there cause there's where the company's gonna deposit my salary. When I finally got back to the office for some serious stuff, it was already near to noon. Mr Leong, the senior finance manager, put me under a girl to learn my way through the computer and accounts because she's leaving soon and I'll have to take over her job. I sense some dread in Mr Leong though and I don't blame him or any of the staff either. Imagine putting the company's accounts in the hands of somebody who know nothing about accounts! *sigh* The rest of the day were spent looking at how stuff are done in the office and getting to know my senior. =)

Thank goodness I finally have something to do today. Even though it was only data entry, and salary summary report, it was better than nothing like yesterday. However, doing data entry and the summary report was rather boring. The summary report had to be done using Microsoft Excel and frankly, I'm not much of an Excel user and had to learn things slowly. I didn't like asking Mr Ong questions how to go about doing it cause he showed me a couple of times, even though he wasn't really good at explaining to me. And I rather learn things myself by going about trying to get things done. If there were any mistakes done, I could always undo them. I know, I know, wrong of me to do so, but I could sense some frustration in Mr Ong cause I've already asked him to solve some problems far too often. =P

Halfway through the report, I was asked by Mr Leong to help some of the technicians to write a letter to a company asking for permits. And I'm glad to say that I did write a pretty good letter for them. hehe...at least I'm putting my skills and techniques I've learned in the semester to good use. I didn't get a Distinction in Writing for Professional Purposes without talent you know..haha...boy, do I sound smug there! Frankly, I'm just happy to help them out. It was more my thing.

Well, the day ended pretty ok albeit a little tiring. Facing the computer the whole entire day is no mean feat, no matter how much I like to face the computer when going online. Hopefully, tomorrow I'll be given more work to do, then, at least I wouldn't feel guilty of not doing anything.

I'm working soon!!

2004-12-20T01:25:00.000+08:00

Yup! That's right! I'll be starting work from tomorrow onwards, well, technically, today onwards. And I can't wait to go into the office. Knowing that I wouldn't be wasting my time lazing around at home helps a lot. Plus the knowledge that I'll be getting $$$ is a HUGE encouragement. LoL.

I'll be working in my uncle's company in the accounts department. It's exciting because I'll be getting useful experience since I'm majoring in PR. So, I'm really, really excited, yet at the same time, I'm nervous cause I don't know the people working there, and a thousand questions are in my mind now, I wonder if they're nice, if they would treat me differently when they found out that I'm the boss' niece, if they're gonna be bossy, etc...I know people get the jitters when they start work in a new environment but working in my uncle's company is gonna give me some pressure. I have to make sure that I'm in my best behaviour, that I'm hardworking and a willing learner so that I don't give off a bad reflection towards my uncle and our family. *sigh* It's gonna be difficult, but I'll try my best.

I really should be sleeping now. But I can't! I'm tired, I admit, but my body's system just simply refuse to sleep. And I have to wake up early tomorrow morning cause I'll be driving over to the island! And speaking of driving, I dread the jam that I'll be facing when I'm crossing the bridge. =( Hopefully, there wouldn't be a massive jam like usual since it's gonna be my first day at work and all. *fingers crossed*

Malaysian Babe?

2004-12-14T02:13:00.000+08:00

Ok, get this people! I was browsing through my Friendster just now and received a message from somebody or some group. Below is the message that the sent me:

Dear G,
Hi, we would love to let all the gorgeous
malaysian ladies out there to know that the club
management team had taken the club to a higher
level and as we already launched the Club
OFFICIALLY at http://www.MalaysianBabes.net
and has the forum service running so that we are
able to serve the babes better =)

If you are interested in joining us or continue your
membership with MalaysianBabes Club, please
sign up NOW at http://www.MalaysianBabes.net
and get yourself actively involved, start by
introducing yourself to the rest at the New
Members Forum. At the same time, pls dun forget
to have fun over there with the rest of the babes =)
The babes there are nice, fun, lovely and most
importantly, they are the friendliest ppl on earth =)

All you need to do is to be sure to stay with us and
also be an active forum member as we will
provide more and more services in the near future
=) See you There !

Cheers,
Club Administrator

-------------------------------------------------------------------
You are getting this message only once because
we appreciate you, love you, treasure you as a
home-grown malaysian gorgeous lady =) and
want you to be part of us. don't send a friend
request because only active members will be
approved to be in the friends list. thanks !

That's so weird! I mean, I've never seen myself as a babe, in fact, I don't even think I'm qualified to be a babe! My friends are babes, not me! I'm not babe material! I...I...I don't know what to say or what to do...

Ok...I've checked out the site. It's nothing, just a forum for gurls to debate and talk about things. Phew! Thank God for that. I thought it's some sort of website for guys to oogle at babes. Hehe...anyway, I won't be joining the site. It's not really my thing. =D

It's good to be back...

2004-12-14T01:43:00.000+08:00

...in Penang. I've been back for a couple of days now and it's nothing but pure pleasure to be back home at the place where I grew up in. However, it's not good to be sick. I hate being sick! Come to think of it, who likes to be sick right?

It all started before I even got back to Penang. In fact, it started a day or two after Aaron's birthday. At first, I thought it was my throat that was badly swollen and took as much water as possible and lozenges to help cure it but after Ai Ling's birthday, my situation just got worse and I finally went to the doc's no matter how much I hated it.

The doc said that it wasn't my throat that was swollen but in fact, it was actually my tonsils that were infected and swollen. Thus, the affect it had on my ears and nose. I had a hard time listening to what my friends said because it sounded softer and my nose was so blocked up at times that I had to wake up in the middle of the night and sit upright for a couple of minutes to ensure that I could breathe properly again before going back to bed. It doesn't help that I was having mild insomnia. After checking my throat for a couple of minutes, the doc finally prescribed some antibiotiks and more lozenges for me. I counted the amount of pills the doc gave me for the course of over 3-4 days. I had to take 30 capsules of antibiotics and 20 tablets of lozenges. Crazy right?! I had to freaking take 8 capsules of antibiotics!!

Well, it was really torture to take so much antibiotics a day. But at least I'm better now. TOnsils are all back to normal. The only thing that isn't normal is my voice. And my cough. Darn! *sigh* I hope I get better soon enough cause I'll be starting work next Monday and I'll be travelling a lot. What I don't need is to be sick then. >_<

Aaron's Birthday

2004-12-05T02:40:00.000+08:00

As promised, I said I'll write something about Aaron's birthday after it happened on the third, so here I am, writing one. First off, we were suppose to have dinner with him with a couple of his friends and our own group of friends at Monte's in Bangsar Shopping Complex at 7.30pm but Sam, Ai Ling and I ended up being very, very late for the dinner because Sam and I had to fetch Ai Ling from USJ. Even though USJ's a really nice area to live in, it's getting in and out of the whole area that really gets one full of headache because of the massive jams on the highway during peak hours that can last for several hours especially when it's raining. Because Sam and I went to fetch her somewhere during peak hour, we got caught in the jam and the 3 of us ended up turning for the dinner fashionably late at 9 plus. =P

Anyway, we reached Monte's to find that 7 people were waiting for us to show up including Aaron himself. The 7 that were there were, of course Aaron himself, Ee Lyn, Serhan, Carven, Prema, James and one of Ee Lyn's friend whose name I didn't catch. The 3 of us were feeling very, very embarrassed with ourselves for being late already. It didn't help that we got teased by everybody at the table. There were empty seats beside Serhan and Carven and being the blur person that I am, I didn't notice that I'd end up sitting beside Serhan because I was still talking to Aaron until Ee Lyn gave me the eye signal to change places with Ai Ling. See, Ee Lyn and Aaron's trying to play matchmakers here and try to matchmake Serhan and Ai Ling together. I only snapped out of the conversation with Aaron after I saw the eye signal and quickly searched for a plan in my head.

Me: Ling!! I want to sit beside Carven, so can I change places with you eh?

I proceeded to flash Ai Ling the sweetest, most innocent smile I could muster up but all she did was gave me her most sweetest, innocent smile instead and sat right down beside Carven. Bugger! I was so ready to kick myself for being so blur at that time. Anyway, with that aside, Sam, Ai Ling and I placed our orders and had to wait quite some time for our food while the rest of them had already finished their food and were chatting and joking. When our food finally arrived, the 3 of us digged into our food because we were already starving. We were actually enjoying our food a lot until James started thumping the table a couple of times and made our food literally jump on the plates. >_< It didn't help that after the 3 of us glared at him, he still continued thumping the table whenever there's a joke. We had to endured the thumping for a couple more times before he stopped and we could continued eating in peace. *throw hands up in air*

James is actually Aaron's friend from back then. Most of us only met him during the dinner at Monte's save for Aaron, Serhan, Ee Lyn and Ee Lyn's friend. The fact that he could be obnoxious and rude towards the rest of us is really a wonder to me. James paid the bill when it came. After that, he said that we would all pay him back back at Aaron's place later. I looked at him and nodded in agreement and all of a sudden,

James: Don't give me that kind of look! Don't think by smiling sweetly you wouldn't need to pay me back. I'm practically broke you know.

I was shocked and surprised to hear him said that to me because I wasn't thinking anything but paying him back later when we got back to Aaron's place. Oh my! Anyway, on our way to Aaron's place, Sam was complaining about James all the way there. All about how rude he was, and how obnoxious he was, etc. And I couldn't agree more with her.

Sam and I were the first ones to arrive back at Aaron's place, followed by Serhan and James. Since Aaron's not back yet, his brother, Nicholas had to let us in first. I was sitting down somewhere in the living room talking to Nicholas when James walked by behind my back and actually used his hand to pushed my head down really, really hard. I was so shocked that I actually went speechless! That James even had the nerve to laughed at me. Goodness, I wished that I could strangle him right there and then! When Ai Ling finally arrived with Carven and Prema, he threw a pillow at Ai Ling and it nearly hit her eye. Thank goodness it didn't because she was wearing contacts! There was even a time when Serhan and James were in the kitchen and I walked into it to throw some rubbish, and James sprinkle water into my face using his wet hands. The water went straight into my eyes and darn, it hurts a lot.

James: Oh, did the water went into your eyes?
Me: Well, what do you think?! Ye-ah!!
James: Oh, goody! Yay!

I gave him a ferocious glare and left the kitchen as quickly as possible before he think of something else to do to me. What a prick! He's loud, he's rude, he's obnoxious, he's just everything bad. Ai Ling, Sam and I didn't say anything because we were just being polite and after all, he's Aaron's friend and we didn't want to create tension then. We could even get the vibe that Aaron's dad do not really like James either.

Ok, James aside, the night was actually pretty fun. We were hanging around having drinks and all, watching Dodgeball and chatting at the same time. Somewhere around midnite or so, Aaron had to send Ee Lyn, Prema and Ee Lyn's friend home. So the rest of us continue drinking and talking until Ai Ling suggested we started playing Twister. Since there was 8 of us there, including Nicholas and Andrew(he came late), we played Twister in groups of 4 and Ai Ling, Sam, Serhan and Nicholas went for it first. It was hilarious looking at the 4 them getting all tangled up and all. When it finally came to my turn with Carven, James and Andrew, we were not laughing anymore. Because it was our turn to get all tangled up and being laughed at. Serhan kept protesting about how unfair it was that Carven and I did not have to get down on our hands but hey, he's the one spinning the board, not us. We're just plain lucky! Hehehe....*sniggers* Second round of Twister was worse because Carven and I actually had to get down on all fours and there came to a point where James' butt was just right behind my head. *shakes my head* It was not good at all, and not at all funny. It doesn't help that Ai Ling and Serhan were laughing their butts out and Nicholas kept coming to my side and asking me if I'm all right. Man, it was excruciating! Even until now, my body's still aching and screaming at me for putting them into such difficult positions. Heh!

The best bit of the night was watching Ai Ling, Sam, Serhan and Nicholas played Twister for nearly an hour. The positions were all so funny! Nicholas and Serhan started out at opposite ends of each other, but ended up being next to each other to the point of us taking their pics because it was just so provoking and frankly, anybody looking at their pictures would have thought that they were having a quickie with their clothes on! LoL. As time passes by, Nicholas then Ai Ling dropped out of the gave and Serhan and Sam were left to it. Both were determined not to lose and give up so both continued playing. There were several times when James spinned the board but purposely gave his own coordination so that the both of them would get tangled even more. There were times when Serhan was all over Sam and vice versa. Looking at their positions at different angles was really hilarious because there were times when one would think that they were making out. In a weird sort of way! Anyway, the game finally ended because Sam had to take a call from her mum. If not for the interruption, I think the game would go on the whole night long.

Truth be told, last night was the first time I actually played Twister but boy did I had fun! Hehe...the gang and I should get out more often and have this kind of crazy games. Unfortunately, Chip and Carven are leaving for Perth in February and we wouldn't be seeing them until February 2006 when we'll be going there then. Now, I'm wondering if there's anything weird or crazy that would happen during Ai Ling's birthday this Tuesday...

Aaron's Pre-Birthday Dinner

2004-12-01T01:03:00.000+08:00

I'm suppose to be studying for my Malaysian Studies finals right now considering that the exam's tomorrow but I can't concentrate because I just got to write all this down while it's still fresh in mind before I forgot or became too lazy to type it all down.

Aaron's birthday is actually on the 3rd of December but his parents decided to have a pre-birthday dinner for him with family and friends. So all his uncles and aunts from his mother's family came with a couple of his friends including yours truly. Unfortunately, from college, it was only Ai Ling, Andrew and I that could make it. And halfway through the dinner, Andrew got to leave early because he has a jamming session going on later. Therefore, at our table, there's only Ai Ling and I, with Aaron and his gf, Ee Lyn, his brother, Nicholas and another friend of Aaron's, Serhan. Including Andrew when he's still around, there's only 7 of us at the table. But it's all right cause it's not really Aaron's birthday yet, just a pre-birthday celebration with us and his family.

His uncles rocks man. They're even way crazier than my own uncles. Whatever that they do, they do it when they're still sober, while I can only witness that sort of craziness in my family when all my uncles get drunk during the Chinese New Year dinner. The meal went on quite smoothly and the craziness did not really appear til towards the end of the dinner actually. One of Aaron's uncle was busy making jokes in Mandarin even though he's not really good at it. The end result of trying to translate something directly from Cantonese to Mandarin became a perverted version when it reaches our ears. Since only Ai Ling and I could understand Mandarin well enough, only both of us got the exact joke at our table. *laughs*

Later on, after the birthday cake came out, Aaron got creamed by his uncles and Nicholas. It was really, really hilarious and Ai Ling and I laughed our heads off while sitting at our own little corner. Ee Lyn was busy taking photos so that everybody who's not there would have a good laugh as well. After Aaron got creamed, practically every male in the family got creamed. It went so bad to the point where their shirts and hands were full of the chocolate icing. It was so funny, looking at grown men running around to avoid getting creamed by their brothers or nephews. Poor Aaron even had to run out of the room into the main dining hall in the restaurant to avoid gettting creamed further. Things went a tad too far when Aaron's 2nd and 4th uncle kissed each other in front of us. My, my, the vision of them kissing is still etched in my head. And boy was it an eye opener! 2 grown men kissing each other. It doesn't help that they are brothers and both are straight. O_O! After much fooling around, after much creaming around, the night was finally over. Ai Ling, Ee Lyn, Serhan and I adjourned together with Aaron to his place so that he could wash up before sending all of us back.

Back at Aaron's place, all of us including Nicholas minus Aaron sat down and continue watching Dodgeball which the rest was watching before we left for dinner. After the movie ended, I got around to helping Nicholas with his ear piercing which hasn't completely heal yet. I was helping him out, cleaning the pierce hole and helping him put on a small hoop earring (which actually belongs to me but I gave it to him anyway) while dishing out advice to him on how to care for it. And I'm glad to say that he looks pretty good with my hoop earring. *grins* After everything was done, both of us actually sat down and talked about him and his gf, to which he gave a summary of the current problem that his gf is facing right now which directly affects him too. I was actually surprise that he told me a little more details than I expected but I guess maybe cause he's just comfortable talking to me. Poor Nicholas, he may be quite a flirt with us girls but he's a good bf. I sure hope everything works out well for him and his gf. And I really hope that his gf's mother would open up and accept him as her daughter's bf. Oh well, life goes on...

Right, I better get back to studying. Enough of the night already. I'll try to come back in a couple of days time to talk about Aaron's birthday after it happens.

A Walk To Remember

2004-11-26T01:20:00.000+08:00

It amazes me that I can still cry like a baby every time I watch 'A Walk To Remember'. No doubt it's an old movie but the simple story line that it has touches the soul like no other.

I still remember the very first time I watched it. I cried and cried like the world's gonna end yet at the same time, I did sort of wish that I could have my very own Landon Carter. I guess it's the romantic in me, that wishes for such things, or in this case, man. *grins* Anyway, 'A Walk To Remember' highlights a simple love, yet it is great because of it's simplicity. The simple yet great love between two souls. It talks about how somebody's life can change forever because somebody loves him and has faith in him. And how that love and faith gave him courage and faith to make him a better person. It also talks about how that love makes him wants to sacrifice everything so that he can have her forever. Unfortunately, Jamie Sullivan, the love of his life has leukemia and passed away in the end. But not before he did everything in his power to make her wish list comes true which at the same time makes her happy.

Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense, it is not resentful.

Now, isn't this the kind of love everybody wish for? It is the perfect love that anybody can ever wish to obtain. Yet, humans are happy to settle for a near perfect love, even though the love that they have in reality has flaws. Doesn't that apply to everyone? 'A Walk To Remember' may not be the greatest love story ever, but it does shine the right way with enough emotions to pull the heart strings. Even until now, even after a few years and having watched it so many times, the movie still has the right amount of mood and emotions to make me part with my tears. We may never know the true motive or intention of the movie, but one thing for sure, it does educate one about the wonders of love.

You may be surprise to know that the movie was actually an adaptation of a novel with the same title. I once read the book in a bookstore, and truth be told, it was much, much better than the movie. Not the movie was not good, it was. But the book was better. You know why? I cried even more through reading than watching the adaptation of it. It was actually suppose to be an embarrassing moment for me, to be crying in front of so many people when reading the book but I did not care because it was a good book. Come to think of it, it was the first time ever that I actually cried after reading a book so you can imagine how good it was. After so long, the story still touches right into my very core and I believe that it'll always be in be.

Eating Disorder

2004-11-25T02:02:00.000+08:00

It all came to me in a jolt. I realised that I've been experiencing eating disorder lately. Not the serious type of disorder where I become bulimic or obese, no, no, it's not that kind. For the past few weeks, I find myself gradually losing my appetite, eating less and less. It even came to the extent where I only have one meal a day. *cringes* I know it's not healthy but I've never realised it until a moment ago. I don't know when it started, all these eating disorders but it came sort of like a revelation to me.

It started happening a few weeks back when I did not feel like taking rice at all, instead opting just to take dishes without the usual accompanying rice. For a normal Malaysian who's used to taking rice everyday, they would definitely not feel full after a meal without rice or noodles. But in my case, I was quite contented and felt full throughout the day until the next meal, which I repeated by taking the dishes of meat and vegetables without rice. From the habit of excluding rice, I graduated to eating only a meal a day. And I did not even feel hungry at all throughout the day after that. I ate everyday around 2-3pm without breakfast and come dinner, I still do not have the appetite to eat, worst, I don't even feel hungry, and throughout the whole night, there were never hunger pangs at all. None whatsoever even though I sleep at 3-4 in the morning.

It went on for quite a while until today that is. Today, I felt hunger, in fact, I was ravenous! I had lunch at 2pm and later on, I had 2 big buns at 7pm. It did not end there at all. By 10pm, I was munching on cookie bites and somewhere after midnight, I found myself cooking eggs and sausages, a perfect English breakfast minus the bacons. Considering the time gap, it will be pretty normal to eat like that, but to me, it's not. I felt myself eating like a glutton today. And boy, can I feel all the fat and cholestrol building up in my body right now. Urgh! >_<
I'll try to go back to eating normally starting tomorrow. With a glass of milk for breakfast followed by a proper lunch and dinner. Hopefully, I'll be able to do it. *sigh*

Genting Sky Venture

2004-11-19T13:04:00.000+08:00

Ok... I was supposed to write something about my Genting Highlands trip during the Deepavali holidays ages ago. Or at least I planned to. But after returning from the trip, I just got plain lazy to sit in front of the computer to type anything out and soon, got caught up studying for the Marketing finals. Anyway, finals are now officially over for the Murdoch course. Only thing left is the Malaysian Studies finals. *sigh* Stupid LAN subject forced me to stay until early December. Else, I'll be back in Penang now.

The Genting trip was fun. It's a family trip cum holiday thingy with my father's family. And at the same time, I got to nose around on Uncle Edwin's love life. Haha...glad he told me the full details. Uncle Edwin's 36 this year and this girl that he's supposedly seeing is his first gf. Amazing huh? I know he'd dated around and all but he's never gotten serious with any girls. I wonder if it's the girls who find the problem in him rather than the other way round. Uncle Edwin's one of the sweetest man I know around. Of course it helps a little that I'm the only grandchild in my father's family for 20 years thus making me his only niece around. Muahaha....I guess the age gap between us is not so distinct now that I'm older, there's just more things to talk about and joke around. Even serious issues like his love life. I was actually very honoured that he trust me enough to tell me the whole story. Though after that, I was cautioned not to tell anybody especially Grandma. Haha...I sort of broke that promise to him. Can't help but tell Mum a little bit of the details of his love life. What to do? We're all just busybodies especially when it comes to Uncle Edwin's life, he is after all my favourite uncle and if not mistaken, Mum's favourite brother-in-law. Muahaha....

Back to the Sky Venture thing. For those of you who have absolutely no idea what the heck it is, well, it's actually a skydiving simulation they erected up in Genting. It was freaking expensive when it first opened a couple of years back, but recently, it's getting cheaper by the day. I think the slashed price has something to do with the school holidays though. Anyway, I was out on the second night walking about First World Plaza with Uncle Andrew, Ivan (another one of my uncles though I don't call him 'Uncle' cause he's only 7 year older than I am) and his gf, Joanne, and my great-uncle, when Uncle Andrew suddenly turned to me and started talking to me. This is roughly how our conversation went by.

Uncle Andrew: So, have you tried out the Sky Venture thingy before?
Me: Erm...no....but I would love to try it out one day though. Should be fun.
Uncle Andrew: Let's get you trying it out later then. After the Motion Master
Me: (dumbfounded) Huh? But it's so expensive!!
Uncle Andrew: (grinning like a Cheshire cat) Money is not the matter....the matter is...
Me: (interrupted)..but the matter is whether I dare or not ma right?

And so...after Motion Master, Uncle Andrew and I went to the Sky Venture building and he promptly paid for the both of us. It's my first time floating, literally while it's his second time. ANd let me said, it was exhilarating! The adrenaline pumping through my veins, floating in the air that's going as fast as 180km/hr....it's just indescribable.

Unfortunately, the whole adventure is only 2 minutes long. It was held in 2 1 minute sessions and during the first minute, I was flailing around the area like some crazy bird that lost its balance. In this case, it's more like a crazy person flailing around. O_O! Like I said, or didn't say, the first minute is more about learning how to balance yourself in the air, and going up and down by controlling the movement of your head, hands and legs. For the first few seconds, I sort of panicked. Embarrassing I know but I can't help but feel fear in me when I first entered the room, after flailing around for quite a bit, which left me with a very bruised back and left hand, I managed to calm myself down a little by thinking that the instructor is there with me and that if there's anything that happened, he will be there to safe me. At least that's what I think but it did made me calm down A LOT. And that was when I finally got my balance and float around nicely around the room. *grins*

The first minute felt like eternity, just me floating in the air and the instructor smiling and telling me good using hand signal. After that, it was my uncle's turn. Considering it's his second time, he's definitely floating around like a pro skydiver. ^_~ After his minute was up, it's back to my turn again. This time round, not so many butterflies in my stomach and I'm much more calm compared to the first time round. I step into the room and voila! No more tumbles, no more flailing around like mad person. After a little while, the instructor grab hold of me and swung me round and round and round, up and down up and down, doing 360 degrees turns. Boy, it was fun at first but after going round and round and round non-stop, it's dizzying to the head and I can feel my stomach turning and churning around. That was when when I thought that it'll be better for me to get back down. I gave the hand signal that I wanted to stop and that's it, I'm back at ground zero again.

It's an experience that will be difficult to leave my mind. And it sure didn't help that the instructor is quite cute for a Malay guy. *winks* Not to forget, I was actually quite happy that I have the adventurous side in me, glad that it's coursing through my veins. At least I've proven that I'm my father's daughter. =)

Scholarship Gotten!

2004-11-09T13:30:00.000+08:00

Ohhh....I'm so happy now! Even the lost of a so-called friend did not dampen my spirits at all.

Just to refresh some minds, I was enlisted for a scholarship interview by my college a few weeks ago. After the interview, I was not confident of getting the scholarship because one of the interviewers were not too friendly and came across as rather haughty and prejudice. Thus, I did not place much hope on getting the scholarship. After the interview ended, a Ms Loo who was in charged of the scholarships told me to go see her assistant a week after that to get a letter stating whether I was a successful applicant or not. I was suppose to go get it last week, but after so much hectic studying and all, it just slip my mind til today.

So off I went to look for her assistant, Nor. Nor was actually in charge of PTPTN (it's a governmental loan for tertiary studies), and actually remembers me. Must be all the bugging I did last semester that ingrained my face and name into her mind up til this day. Hehe...Anyway, I went to see Nor and told her what Ms Loo asked me to take from her. Nor went through a few letters and said that my name was not there. And then, she informed me that the stack of letters with her are letters for unsuccessful applicants. Meaning, the letters with her are letters for people who do not get the scholarship. I was directed to look for Ms Loo and asked her instead. And that was what I did.

I asked Ms Loo about the matter and she went, "Oh, ya! You're G**** Q*** right?". After my nod of confirmation, she went through a stack of letters and took my letter out. She didn't even tell me if I received the scholarship or not. Just took the letter our nonchalantly and asked me to check my details on the letter to make sure that there's not typing error. As I read the letter checking it for spelling errors, it just gradually dawn on me that I finally received a scholarship! Even though it's not a full scholarship, they're giving me half the fees of my semester! Yay for that! I'm so, so happy. I couldn't help but keep grinning and smiling after that. I even went up to the office to tell Mabel the good news. Haha....I was that excited and happy.

Now, I can just imagine the smile in my Mum's face when I tell her the good news later. ;)

Angry, angry, angry...

2004-11-07T01:15:00.000+08:00

With finals still going on and loads of studying to do, with one final assignment to accomplish before the end of the semester really ends, life sure sucks! It’s not all about studies, it’s about some personal issues too.
I’ve realised that guys my age sure do not act like they’re 21. In fact, their mentality is still of that like a kid even though they look and sound like adults. When you say something that hits spot on on the bull’s eyes about them, they’ll turn around and accuse you of painting an ugly picture of them, of how innocent they were, of how they were actually offering plain, platonic friendship but you read it the wrong way.

If all these sound confusing, stay on as I slowly paint the ‘ugly’ picture out.

I’ve been good friends with AR for several years now. I’ve always, ALWAYS treated him as a good friend. Even though he assured me several times over the course of our friendship that he treats me as a good friend too, it sure feels more to it. Let’s call it a woman’s intuition. Sure, he has helped me loads even though I’ve never asked him for any help. But his actions have always made me feel very, VERY uncomfortable. For goodness sake, for somebody who has a number of good male friends, I know how to differentiate between platonic treatment and more than platonic treatment. And the way AR treats me is definitely more than for platonic purposes. I though I was being paranoid at first and just kept quiet to myself, but as time passes by, and his actions made me even more uncomfortable, I told friends the entire story and question them for their opinions. What they told me just confirm my suspicions. Even a guy like AG told me the same thing any girl would tell me, that it’s more than platonic.

So what’s a girl got to do? I don’t like confrontation, so I took the cowardly way out, which I admit I’m quite ashamed of. I started avoiding him. Avoiding his calls, avoiding his SMSes, just plain avoiding him. After several weeks (or months) of avoiding, he sent a SMS this afternoon and asked what’s wrong, if he did something wrong, and that if he’s bugging me, he’ll stop bugging me. Not wanting to act like a cold, heartless bitch, I decided to send him a message through Friendster and explain. After reading my message, this is what he said to me through SMS.

"…what I was trying to do was offering real friendship to you without any strings attached. That’s all. I was never interested to going into anything more. I can’t believe you paint me as a dishonest person. I only wanted to be a good friend and have one in return. Looks like good friends don’t exist anymore. My honest intentions were thought of otherwise. Thanks for this eye opener. What I have thought about you was damn wrong. You read me in all the wrong ways. Guess this so called friendship is ended…"

It all sounded like he was defending himself. I knew he would. I knew long before I told him the truth that he would deny everything and defend himself. I mean which guy wouldn’t right? He already has a girlfriend but still obviously show more than friendship’s interest in another girl. And the fact that he doesn’t tell his girlfriend that he’s out with me is another proven point. There was once when we were out for coffee when his girlfriend called, and guess what he did? He went to the loo and took the call there, obviously telling his girl some kind of exaggerated story about how he got caught up in work or something like that. And his girlfriend dislikes me, practically hates me even though we’ve only met twice or thrice. His girlfriend knows that I’m not available anymore; that I’m only treating AR as a friend, yet after so many years, his girl still hates me. Obviously, she must be suspicious of him about me.

To cut a long story short, AR is acting like a small little boy who’s kicking back at the stone that made him fall, metaphorically that is. He knew that what I said was true, and he denied it, while trying to guilt trip me into thinking that he was misunderstood. Maybe he was. Maybe I am misunderstanding him, but after months of analysis, plus my intuition, I know that I am right and that he’s making me feel guilty. Never underestimate a women’s intuition.

If he wants to end the friendship, then fine. I have nothing else to say.

I'm a little angry and disappointed...

2004-10-24T21:31:00.000+08:00

To say that I’m not disappointed or not even a little angry at D is a joke. I expected her to comfort me because that’s what friends are for, even if they came in the form of housemates. But no, I went to her with my plight, and she gave me a “oh no, not this again” sort of look.

It all started in the evening when I received a phone call from Mum. She was crying hysterically over the phone without saying anything, even after I said “hallo” several times. That was when panic mode started to sink in in me. Mum finally said something and she said that Granny couldn’t really move and that she couldn’t recognise anybody. At first, I couldn’t make sense of what she was telling me. She just asked me to talk to Granny over the phone even if Granny couldn’t response to me or give me any answers. That was when all the tears came flowing out non-stop even though I knew that I shouldn’t be crying. When Mum answered the phone again, I quickly stabilised myself and asked Mum to do so. Then I asked her for an explanation. Mum gave me a brief explanation on what happened. Seems that Granny’s been sleeping the whole day. Even though Mum tried to wake her up and asked her to take her meals, she refused. Somewhere in the evening, Mum realised that Granny had urinated in her bed and that she was spitting out her saliva like a small little kid. Mum kept calling her but she gave no responses, only making nonsensical noises. Her eyes were looking everywhere and gave no sign of recognition of Mum. Mum said she had already called my uncle and that he was on the way. Finally, after comforting her a little while more, we hanged up and I called my bf.

Trying to call my bf was a difficult feat. I called every number available to him and he didn’t pick up any of his f**king phone. I was crying hysterically at that time because the feeling of helplessness was just washing me over, I could barely contain it. After much dialling and still no answer, I finally called my bf’s home and asked him Mum if she could get him. His Mum was kind enough to called him, from his mobile phones to his shop’s phone but she could not get him also. Finally, she called me back and asked for Mum’s number so that his dad could talked to her and find out what really went wrong (my bf’s dad was a doctor). And during this whole time, I was just sitting on my bed, staring into nothingness.

After a very long while, I needed the comfort of a friend and went out to tell D, who was having her dinner at that time. She did not only not comfort me; she rebuked me for crying over the phone when Mum called. She said that Mum called me for strength, not for me to cry along with her. Though I admit that what she said makes a lot of sense, that was not what I was expecting. I was in a state of hopelessness, all I wanted was some comfort. Somebody to tell me not to worry, that everything’s gonna be ok. Or even to give me a hug. Her reaction not only disappoint me, it also angered me. Just because she’s been through this kind of experience doesn’t give her the right not to care about other people’s feelings. If she’s angry with me for certain reasons, she shouldn’t have bring it in and sort of like rub it into my face when I’m in this situation, should she? It isn’t my fault that her friend sort of ignores her whenever we went out yum cha and talked a lot to me. I tried to pull her into the conversation but she did not really participated in it. She said she felt ignored, as if she was transparent or made out of glass because her friend was a very, very old friend of hers. It just isn’t my fault if her friend finds talking to me amusing. Why does she have to be so…mean?

I turned to her for comfort because I treat her as my friend. Even if she knows that my reactions are way overboard and unnecessary, she shouldn’t show me that she’s not interested. The least she could do was tell me, “I’m sure it’s gonna be ok. Don’t worry. It’ll be alright.” I mean, that’s what friends do right. When Weiling’s grandmother was going through a rough patch of time, I was there to comfort her. I couldn’t give her hugs because the conversation took place over the phone but if she was right there and then in front of me, I would give her hugs. In fact, I told her that everything’s gonna be alright even if I feel that it wouldn’t. I comforted her the way she expects me to comfort her. Why? Because I knew that she turned to me because I’m her friend. She knew that I’m gonna be there for her, to comfort her, to give her a sense of security when things are not right. She knew that even though whatever I said is not necessary true, that things will not be ok, she still wanted to listen to me say that, but why? Because it’s comforting to hear. When a person is shrouded by hopelessness, the most important thing to them then is C-O-M-F-O-R-T, comfort.

So D, if you ever come across this blog, and if you ever read what I’ve said and understood it all, please, please think before you act or in this case, said something. What you said and did hurts me a lot because I treated you as a treasured friend. Maybe you don’t treat me as that. I don’t know but please, when I tell you my problems, when I’m sinking into hopelessness, I turn to you because you’re my friend and all I wanted from you was a little comfort. That isn’t too much to ask from is it?

Contemplation of My Life

2004-10-23T18:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I look around me and see my friends so happy with their significant other. And I feel so happy for them, that they’ve finally found somebody to share their lives with. I look at their happy faces, faces that spell satisfaction in life, and I feel happy for them. I feel that I’m sharing a part of their happiness, well…literally that is. I could see that they are basking in love, love for their partners, and vice versa. And I’m glad for all of them. But after looking at all those happiness and love floating around me, I in turn, turn around and question myself, “What about my life? My love? Am in happy where I am today? Or am I just hanging around for the sake of it?”

I’m not trying to complain about my love life here or whatsoever. Just trying to contemplate if this life is what I deserved. Or if I could have done better. So, please bear with all the ‘what ifs’ that are coming this way.

There are times when I looked back, and I find myself really happy with my bf. I was basking in love and happiness and my world literally revolve around him. But several years down the road, I’ve begun to grow up. I’ve realised that my life cannot revolve around him and him alone and thus, a journey of self-discovery begun. I looked at my life, and the life that could have been mine if I’ve taken a different path. I asked myself if I would ever change that and the answer is no. But now, I sometimes ask myself, “Am I ready to commit myself to only one person?” He is the very first guy I’ve ever loved in my whole life. He may not be the first bf, but he is my first love. And without him, I wouldn’t be where am I today. Confident in myself, being more street wise, better at judging people, independent, etc. But what if he’s only meant to come into my life to make it better, but there’s somebody else who would be sharing it with me for the rest of my life? What if he’s not the one I’m really meant to be with? I still love him. Or at least I think I still do. There are times when we’re talking on the phone and I feel overwhelming in love with him. Yet, there are times when I do not feel that love. In fact, I’m not even sure if there’s love there at all. The times when I’m ready to give up, the feeling just come and knock me over, telling me not to end it cause deep down inside, I still do love him in my own way. I sometimes wonder how well our love will stand the test of time. If it would last til I return home from Ozzy. Or if the love would just gradually vanish into thin air during that time. Funny, sometimes I feel that our love is already gradually vanishing and disintegrating into nothingness now. I don’t feel his love as much I did in the past. The ‘I love yous’ sounded forced and as if part of routine. Sometimes, I even question myself if he’s forcing himself to continue to love him because we’ve been together for a few years now and he’s just too lazy to return to the singles world to look for a better partner than me.

Enough about my love life. Let’s take a look at my family. I know that each and everyone’s family is quite complicated in their own way. But why, WHY, did God ever have to take my father away from me before I was even born? Why did God not give me the chance to feel his love before He takes him away from me? From my Mum? I look around and see people around me having a Dad, a Dad who loves them unconditionally for their whole lives, a Dad who’s always there for them, caring for them, being a part of their lives. And I take a look at my own life. For my whole entire life, the only person who has always been there for me is my Mum. There are times when she couldn’t be there for me, where she fails, but she is human after all. And I love her eternally for being a wonderful mother to me. Yet, sometimes, deep down inside me, I truly yearn for the love of a father. A masculine love if you could name it. I know I always act brave and let people know that I don’t f**king care that I’ve never experienced fatherly love before but deep inside, I do care. And I’m not brave. I used to blame God for taking him away from me. And yet, I try to justify God’s action and console myself, telling myself that God loves him too much for he is such a good man that God became selfish, that God took him away cause my father is a near perfect man and deserves to enjoy the best of the best up in Heaven. Sometimes, I really envy Josephine. Although her dad had also passed on, at least she was lucky and blessed enough to enjoy his love and attention for 6 years. It was better than nothing. Me? I had nothing. Nothing! I’ve never had the opportunity to enjoy his love and attention before. Not even for several years, months, weeks or even days. All that I have of him is his pictures, and memories from people who know him. Who constantly tells me what a good man my father was. Well, guess what?! I don’t want to know about it, I just want to feel it…

I’ve never been good at everything I do. Or at least, I’ve never been the best of the best in anything and everything I do. My best I would do, yet, there’ll always be somebody out there who will do better than I do. I’ve learned the piano practically my whole life. Yet, hard as I try, I’m never really good at it. I’ve trained Taekwon-do since I was 9. Yet, no matter how hard I trained, how I try to get my moves impeccable and precise, I’m always at the bottom of the pyramid. Sure, I’ve gotten a few gold medals here and there, but it’s all because of teamwork. Put me in individual rounds and I’m not even good enough to go into the second round. I’ve learned German for nearly 2 years, and now, if you asked me string a perfect German sentence, I’m not even able to do just that. People around me, especially my family constantly tells me how good my English is and how good I am at writing. But still, I find a lot of flaws in my writing. I know that writing is never perfect, but as a partial perfectionist in English, I constantly criticised my own work and at times, ridicule myself for writing so poorly. People around me are gifted in something. But what about me? I’m good at nothing, no matter how hard I tried. Since Primary 1 up to Secondary 5, I’ve always been in either the first or second class, but I’m not very good at my studies. I tried my very best. I slaved myself to my books, constantly burning the midnight oil just to get past my exams. Yet, my teachers take a look at my results and said that I could have done better. Same goes to my Mum. But people, have anyone of you ever think that I f**king did tried my best? That I’ve already poured out blood and sweat to get what I’ve gotten? Yet, people around me still said that I could have done better. That what I’ve gotten is not good enough. But have they ever thought that maybe I’ve already reached my limit? That what I’ve churned out is already my best? Nope! Nobody had ever thought of that. All they could think of is how lazy am I, all they could think of is how inadequate I am, how stupid I am. Am I such an inferior creature who will constantly be good at nothing? Sure, I’ve gotten Ds and HDs in my assignment, but are all that results a really sure sign that I’ve finally found something that I’m really good at? Or am I at the top for now and slowly going down the hill as time passes by?

I’ve always asked myself a lot of ‘what ifs’. What if my father is still alive? Would I still be who am I today? Or would I be more like him instead of my Mum? What if I’m a child prodigy? Would I have to constantly struggle in my studies? What if my family is rich? Do I still have to spend as thriftily as I have to now? Well, there are still a lot of what ifs from where it came from, but at the end of the day, I guess I’m sort of happy the way my life has turned out. I’m quite sensible and sensitive to others, all thanks to my Mum. I’m sometimes quite thrifty and I can be quite mature in thinking if I want to, all thanks to my Mum again. I’m family orientated, yet when time need be, I can be fun and party orientated. I can lead if I’m asked to do it. I’m independent and passionate about a lot of stuff. I like what I’m studying now and I can be quite a workaholic sometimes (according to my Mum). I guess I should stop contemplating about my life and be happy with how it has turned out. I’m surrounded by family and friends who like me as I am, who loves me for what I am, and who wouldn’t really want to see me change at all.

Don’t make light of oneself because everyone has limitless potential

I guess I should start looking at myself as somebody who has a lot of potential. Just like the saying above. I should just stop criticising myself too much and be happy with myself. Oh well, until then though…

Just an ordinary day, except for...

2004-10-21T21:00:00.000+08:00

The day actually started out quite uneventful. I went for radio class as usual at 11am just like any Thursday and was given a big surprised when my lecturer told me that we’d be having a mock concept test. The test was not too difficult, rather we have to use a lot of common sense to answer most of the question. Which was not too bad coz then, I should be able to do quite ok in the real concept test next week.

After the test, my friends and I went for lunch, where we met CW and her bf and her bf’s two friends there. It was rather obvious that her bf didn’t like us. Must be CW telling her bf all kinds of sob story about us bullying her behind our backs. She is such a bitch sometimes. Anyway, I went over and told her that Sham, our radio lecturer, asked her to collect her desktest results and cassette from his table and she didn’t even bother to say thank you to me. Plus, all my friends complain that the way she looked at us when we walked past was so suspicious. As if she’s keeping a big secret and she didn’t want us to know. Oh well, it doesn’t matter to me. As long as she doesn’t come around looking for trouble with me, I’ll just mind my own business and stay clear away from her. She is, after all, quite famous when it comes to backstabbing others.

Anyway, we returned back to college after lunch and went straight to look for Wadi, our radio studio assistant and the diploma students’ lecturer. Talked to him about our edited interview package which will be sent to Murdoch to be assessed and later joke about all kinds of things with him. He’s a really nice guy for a true Malay blooded male. Plus, he’s quite cute to boot for a Malay guy. You could say that he’s not the conventional Malay sort of guy. He’s also very friendly, and treats most of us as friends rather than students. Of course if we were to compare him with Aref, our ex radio studio assistant, Wadi is not as knowledgeable as Aref, but he works hard to understand the equipment so that he can assist us should we need any help.

We left the studio after half an hour or so and met Soo Heng, our Marketing lecturer on the way. She asked us to go for class first even though our tut class is at 3 instead of 2, because the Murdoch’s coordinator for Marketing will be in at 2 and he’ll be giving us tips on how to answer our final exams and tips on what’s gonna be out for our test 3. And off Chip and I went. The rest of our friends were either in the computer lab at that time, or some had even gone home by then. We attended the class til 3 where we listen to what George Graham, the coordinator had to say, then went and bug Wadi about our radio editing software again. We met Shalini, Diana and Morrow in the studio and saw their really sad faces but didn’t think much about it. That is until Diana blurt out that she and Shalini had already received their Textual Analysis marks from our Writing’s lecturer, M. They were moaning and groaning about how cruel he was with the marks that he had awarded them that it got me and Chip really worried about our marks. One of the reasons was because M told the whole class that somebody plagiarise in our class and that somebody happens to be a female. Which got Chip and me really frantic when we heard about it on Tuesday. In fact, it got all the females in the class really frantic, coz we didn’t know if we did plagiarise or not…even if we did, we must have done it unintentionally or something like that. The fact is, M shouldn’t have told the class that somebody plagiarised. He should have handled the case on a one-to-one basis with that person who plagiarises and decide if he should announce to the class. It is unethical to tell the whole class and even hint on the gender of the person. By doing so, everybody will be suspicious of everybody. Which is very humiliating when people finds out the person who plagiarises and started to inadvertently boycott her. M didn’t even tell our coordinator that somebody plagiarises when he should. He is soooo irresponsible. However, I would not want to complain much about him until the semester is over for my marks and results are now at the mercy of his hand. *sigh*

Anyhow, Chip and I finally decided to go and asked him for out marks anyway. When I got back my paper, I was so nervous that I didn’t really want to open it and find out what my marks was cause I fear that he will mark my paper biasly since he’s sort of prejudice towards me. I was expecting a Fail or the most a Pass there, but to my big surprise and shock, there was a big D instead, a distinction. Phew! I was so happy that when I left the office, I just hugged Chip and nearly broke down into tears. Esther came by and was shocked to see my big reaction there. For a second there, she thought that I’d failed or something until I told her my results. She laughed and congratulated me instead and gave me a really big bear hug. Chip did really well too. She had gotten a HD for her paper, a high distinction. Haha…smart girl! She was actually rather shocked than happy to see the HD in front of. In fact, she kept on asking me if she really deserved the HD. Aside from being the smartest person in the class, she sometimes do not have much confidence in herself. However, I find this naivety in her characteristic to be really fresh. The world is constantly surrounded by people who always have something up their sleeves but when you meet somebody like her, mature enough to churn out really good arguments in her assignment but naïve in certain ways, you will see the world in a whole new different way. I’ll really miss her and her crazy, naïve ways when she leaves for Ozzy next year. =(

The D in my Textual Analysis was the second surprise of the day. The first was the mock test. The third surprise is the phone call I received at 7.30pm just now. A staff from KDU called to inform me that I’ve been shortlisted for the KDU Merit Scholarship. *pumps fist into the air* I was actually taking a nap at that time, but when I heard the lady over the phone told me that I’ve been shortlisted, I was wide awake immediately. I mean, I didn’t expect to get shortlisted when I applied for the scholarship in August. I was just giving it a shot, never thinking much or expecting much about it. Even though the scholarship awarded is not much, at least that’s what my friends told me, I’m very, very happy to be shortlisted. I’ll be attending an interview regarding the scholarship before they decide whether they want to give me the scholarship. Frankly, even if I did not get the scholarship, being shortlisted for it is good enough for me. It shows that I actually DO have the potential to do well enough in my studies for certain parties to consider giving me a scholarship. I know Mum is really, really happy for me. I could tell from her voice when she called me later. I’ve actually proved to her that I AM smart enough to excel in my studies but I think she’s happier than I am. Hehe…I bet she’ll be calling her best friend to tell her the good news soon about my getting shortlisted.

I’ve cautioned Mum not to tell my uncle about the scholarship or any financial help I’ve been getting. Although he did not offer to loan Mum his maid to take care of Granny, he’s been sort of like doing his part by dropping by in the afternoons and buying lunch for Granny, to make sure that she’s ok. Mum’s been telling him that the expenses on Granny’s medication for her high blood pressure and cholesterol is taking a toll on her, what with her needing to give me allowances and what nots, and he’s been providing bit by bit of money to Mum to help out with Granny’s expenses which is a good thing. What I’m worried about is when he finds out that I’ve gotten financial help in my studies and he decides Mum’s expenses is not that heavy anyway and decided not to chip in a lumpsum of money to help out with Granny’s expenses. Mum promised not to tell him. After all, telling him would not be advantageous to us.

I know I made us sound like an advantageous bunch, my Mum and me. But we’re not. I’m just reminding Mum to take back what he owes her and what’s rightfully hers. Who was the one who gave him the money for the down payment of his first house? My Mum. Who was the one who gave him the money to start a business of his own? My Mum. And who was the one who loan him RM20-30k in cash when his business had to buy some materials in cash and he didn’t have the cash and didn’t want to let his wife know? My Mum. It’s all because of my Mum that he is what is he today. Mum didn’t want to take out her savings for him on his business, she rather keep it and invest in my studies instead. In fact, the money that she loaned him was meant for my studies. But because my Mum loves him a lot, after all, she’s the one who took care of him since young and Mum’s always loved him as her own brother, she finally took out that much money and loaned it to him. Even when she didn’t really want to. It’s been years since he borrowed that money from my Mum. But right to this day, he still has not returned every single cent to Mum yet. Sure he did once in a blue moon, returning only RM1-2k at a time, but lately, before the whole thing with Granny, he hasn’t been returning Mum the money. Even when she told him that she needed the money to pay off my fees. I told Mum that she has to be firm with him in order to get back the money. Why should I sacrifice my studies just because he did not bother to return the money in time? I continue telling Mum that if she doesn’t ask him back for the money, I would. Mum’s been really cunning lately, trying to get back every single cent that he owes her so that she can save them up for my studies and also for rainy days. I’m really proud of her whenever she told me that she had asked my uncle for money and he returned it to her. I don’t find anything wrong in asking back for something that is rightfully hers.

Oh well, enough of the ranting and raving for the day. All in all, I’m just very happy that I’d gotten a D for my Textual Analysis and that I’d been shortlisted for the scholarship. ;)

To Answer Back or Not to Answer Back

2004-10-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I feel that it’s best if we just keep quiet instead of making a comment no matter how much we wanted to. For if we make a comment or two, it will probably land us on hot water or worse, we’ll probably be penalised or people will hate or dislike us because we fail to keep our mouths shut at that moment. I’m talking in part about the scathing remarks and replies on our WebCT with Murdoch students itself for MRM, at the same time, I’m also talking about it as a general comment.

A Murdoch student in the internal campus itself make a comment that a lot of us here in the KDU campus do not agree with and some of us were kind of pissed off with the comment because it’s somewhat bias and does not represent us as a whole. The student’s comment really ticked me off to, and I was thinking of replying something to tell her off but thought better of it. Instead I choose to keep quiet and let it be for fear of provoking the anger of the unit coordinator there who’s very partial to her students. Unfortunately, a couple of my coursemates did not think twice about the consequences and decided to say something to tell that student off which result in the coordinator condemning us by making very scathing remarks that indirectly insult our intelligence. Now, the whole class is in constant fear that she’ll penalise us for our final report which will be sent over to Murdoch to be marked by that coordinator. If she chooses to be bias and penalised us, there’s nothing much our lecturer here could do about it. Hopefully, she will not be bias although all of us think otherwise. *sigh *

As a general comment, I’ve always feel that we should always bear with some comments no matter how scathing there are if our replies will result in us digging our own grave. If our career or our lives depend on somebody, we should try to bear with it and just keep our mouths shut no matter how much we wanted to rebut cause you might never know when that person will make our lives miserable because we choose to answer back. If you really cannot stand that person, try to go around him/her and talk to somebody more superior than that person. Some of you might say that it’s bitching but if that person is making not only your life but everybody’s lives miserable, somebody should take action instead of waiting to see who would take action and be the ‘good guy’. Alternatively, if you choose to rebut, is it really worth it? Your life might get even more miserable than it is already and you have to live and bear with the consequences of your words because of a slip of the tongue. It’s quite similar when dealing with parents. Of course you can’t go around your parents and complain to somebody more superior than them, cause your grandparents or relatives will call you an unfilial child. Parents are human after all, and sometimes the things they say are really too much and overboard. But as their children, we should tell them politely that they are wrong instead of bursting into anger and use words that we’ll regret for life. Or, we could choose to keep quiet. Frankly, no matter what the choice is, it’ll either end up with us being miserable or them being miserable. Being the child of a single parent, I rather I be miserable than make my Mum miserable. Even though my Mum is sometimes kind of impossible, I’ll try to tell her nicely that she’s in the wrong. Or, I just wait for her to cool down before telling her what I really think about her outburst earlier.

Oh well, every one of us is entitle to freedom of speech. But please, sometimes when executing that freedom, think twice about the consequences it will have not only on others’ lives but also your own. It is just not worth it to make your life miserable unless speaking up is for a just cause.

Sad and depressed over Granny

2004-10-10T19:00:00.000+08:00

I’m really worried about Granny these days. The short conversation I had with her just now on the phone gave me a really big shock. Her words are all slurred and she can barely talk properly. Plus, she sounded so lifeless, so unenergetic. It was really hard to register in my mind because I’d seen her a couple of weeks ago and she’s still quite ok. Not to the point of not being able to talk properly in proper sentences. When I heard her voice so weak and lifeless over the phone, I just felt like crying on the spot. It felt like she’s slowly slipping away from life, from all of us who loves her so much.

It all started with a SMS from my Mum on Friday. It was actually a SMS to inform me that the notification letter for me to collect my IC is here and I had until end of Dec to collect it. The next sentence that follows it was something about my Granny not feeling too well these days. I sense panic enveloping my body gradually and tried pushing it away. It was not the time to go into panic mode yet, it’s the time to think rationally and try to make sense of how unwell she’s feeling. Plus, the feeling of having period cramps then only served to make me feel even worse.

Anyhow, I managed to get myself home by 3 something and called my Mum to ask about my Granny. Seems that Granny’s been very disorientated these days. On a Tuesday morning, Mum left work as usual but Granny was still asleep and Mum didn’t want to wake her up for she sense that Granny’s tired. But later in the evening when Mum called home to check up on her, nobody answered the phone and Mum felt dread all over her body for she feared that something might have happened to Granny. Thankfully, work was nearly over then and Mum rushed home to check on Granny. When she reached home and saw the locked grille and door, she nearly went into a panic mode. When she entered the house, she saw everything untouched and thought that Granny had died or something. She started calling out for Granny and when she replied, Mum felt very much relieved.

Thing is, Granny thought that it was early in the morning when it was late in the evening. She had gotten her time mixed up real bad and that was why she slept the whole night and day through. The next day, she was feeling so weak and groggy that Mum didn’t really want to go to work but she had no choice. During lunchtime, she rushed home to take a look at Granny and bought her lunch. Mum insist on bringing her to the doc but Granny refused and insisted that Mum go back to work and that they will only go to the doc at night after Mum finished work. And that was what they did. The doc gave Granny a thorough check up and said that she had high blood pressure, something that she has never gotten before even at such an old age. Her diabetes went up and the doc even mentioned that there’s a possibility of her getting heart attacks as years passes by. The doc prescribed some really strong and expensive medicine for Granny to take to control her high blood pressure. After taking the medicine, Granny felt much better that very night and throughout the whole of Thursday. But come Friday, and she’s back to feeling unwell again. Mum even had to take half the day off to stay at home and make sure that nothing happens to her.

At first, I didn’t give much thought to how serious her situation was cause Mum has been filling me in with updates on Granny and this time round doesn’t sound as serious as the past few couple of months. I didn’t really register the seriousness of her situation until I heard her voice over the phone. My heart just felt like breaking into pieces hearing her feeling so weak over the phone. If possible, I rather take her place and feel all the pain that she’s feeling. And Mum said that she’s been talking funny these days. It’s all about seeing my dead father and great-uncle and great-grandmother. Granny even said that she felt somebody at home moving things around when Mum’s not around. That’s really spooky and scary. I can’t help feeling that she’s gonna leave us very soon.

I asked Mum if my uncle knew about her situation and if he’s been coming for visits and what nots. She replied that he knew and that he’s visited her twice so far. For a very long time now, I’d been very disappointed at the way my uncle treats my Granny and I find my respect for him gradually dissipating in the air as I gradually grew up and matured. I hope with Granny’s situation being like that, he will offer to loan his Indonesian helper to come and look after Granny during the day especially since Mum’s working. Frankly, if he doesn’t offer to do anything to help Mum out with looking after Granny, I’m gonna feel further disappointment over him and will probably lost even more respect for him. After all, Granny was the one who looked after him throughout his whole life til the day he got married when his own mother was too lazy to take care of him. He’s been living with her and Mum for over 20 years. And now that he’s quite successful, he sometimes neglects her, instead always choosing his wife’s family over us, over Granny especially. I can tell that sometimes Granny is very disappointed with his actions but she never said a word about it. Never complain or scold. She just takes it in her stride and refuses to see his weaknesses. Sometimes, I just felt like yelling at him. Questioning him how he could ever treat the one woman who sacrificed so much and took care of him when his very own mother was such a lazy bum, how he could treat her like this. Questioning him why he can’t be bothered to place an importance on her. W-H-Y? And Granny loves him more than she loves Mum. And this is how he’s gonna repay her? By waiting for the time when it’s gonna be too late to do anything else. If he doesn’t offer to help Mum out in looking after Granny and if anything happens to her, I don’t think I can ever forgive him. For with his resources, he WILL be able to find a way to help Mum out to take care of Granny during the day when Mum’s at work but if he’s unwilling, I really have nothing to say anymore. I just hope that by the grace of God, that He’ll prolong her life long enough to see me graduate with my degree. That’s the one and most important wish right now for me. That she’ll be able to see me wear “the hat” and know that she’ll be so proud of me…

Period Cramps

2004-10-08T13:10:00.000+08:00

I hate having period cramps! I'm not the type who gets the pain and cramps religiously every single month. So that's quite fortunate for me. But during those unfortunate months where I had to bare with the pain and the cramps, I just wished somebody could take me out of misery. A time like now! And it sure doesn't help that I'm in the computer lab, which is freezing cold in here. I'm not sitting directly under the air-cond but since the lab is not that big, my fingers are beginning to feel like ice and I can barely type properly.

Anyway, I'm stuck in the lab because it's been ages since I last actually sat down in front of the computer and surf the Internet for stuff. I was trying to update myself by reading my friends' blogs, checking emails and updating the college Mass Comm Club blog. Only managed to wrote in one entry for the club blog though. At least that would get Esther, the club president and Mabel, the club advisor of our Webpac's tail for a little while. Oh, by the way, the techie group of us handling the emails and blog are known as the Webpac, thanx to Aaron's suggestion that is.

Ugh! The pain is really killing me. I wish I had a gun so I can shoot myself. On second thought, I wish somebody had a gun so that they can shoot me since I'm quite a coward when it comes to shooting myself. There are times when I had quirky thoughts and think what death would feel like, but at the same time, I'm so afraid of that. I guess my faith in God is still shaking as it is. It's never been really that strong even since I left high school. Oh well, I'm slowly trying to walk with God again no matter how difficult it is. Hmm...come to think of it, maybe I'll start by praying to God and asking Him to take this freaking pain away from me. But then, maybe he'll think I'm an unfilial child who only comes to Him whenever I needed something. =P

Well, will be going to the Angel-Mortal revealing thing later. Hope I don't die of cramps later on though. Or else, I might just go in and say hi and then leave at 3. Speaking of Angels, I'm really gonna bloody fire off my Angel when I find out who he/she is. Not a single mail at all. Come to think of it, I may be one of the unlucky ones where I don't have an Angel! Sob Sob! Oh well, that's just too bad for me.

What does he wants me to do?

2004-09-19T01:30:00.000+08:00

My bf commented that I did not mention about him at all in this blog save for once, in one of my earlier entries on durians. He told me that he was sad and disappointed that I have not written any entries on him. Which got me thinking, is it that necessary for me to write about him for everyone to know when I rather save it for myself to know and appreciate? He said that I only write about the bad side of him but not the good side. Frankly, I can hardly remember writing anything concerning the bad side of him here except for my short, forlorn piece on LDR.

What does he wants me to write about him, about us? The fact that we argued practically every single day since he was based back in Penang? He even dared mentioned the fact that I did not mentioned even once about him when I was describing about my birthday. What could I write about him then? That he only called to wished me ‘Happy Birthday’ on my once in a lifetime 21st birthday when my friends made the effort to celebrate it with me? I didn’t blame him even once for not making it down to KL to celebrate it with me and yet he wants to complain that I did not mention him at all? There are times when I feel that he’s trying to guilt trip me. That he’s using emotional guilt on me so that I’ll feel guilty and somehow make up by being submissive or what not.

Is it wrong to write what I feel in my own blog? Don’t I have the right to pour out my feelings in my own blog without worrying about the consequences of answering to others who do not like what they read here? Different people have different opinions. Do I have to think so deeply on whether what I wrote will impact others’ lives? I’m trying to be a responsible writer when I blog, but sometimes, feelings that run so deep makes me an impulsive writer. There are things, issues, that I do not talk about with others. Those are things that I rather pour out on paper, or in this case, my very own blog. Why doesn’t he understand that?

Does he wants me to write about the things we do everyday? Like those phone calls? Or maybe on what he said to me? If he expects me to write on what he does for me, I’m very sorry, but I just don’t know what to write about. Oh, maybe there’s one. He gave me a brand new mobile phone for the very first time as a belated birthday gift. I got it when I went to Penang for a couple of days during my holidays. And he’s gonna transfer some money into my account because I’m running of out cash soon. Is that what he wants me to write about? All this mundane issues that people forgets easily but something that I really cherish and do not feel the need to share it with everybody just so that I can keep something to myself? Is this what he really wants? All this I do not know. I’ve already tried my best to tone down my temper a lot especially when he calls and yet, sometimes…I feel that he’s trying to evoke me to argue with him. Why does everything I say and do are all wrong in his eyes? And nobody can answer all these questions but my bf himself.

When I first started this blog, I wanted to write about issues I care about, serious issues that I like to share my opinions on with everybody. But instead, I find myself writing about my life, about the ups and downs of it, about the people around me. It is not necessary for me write about everybody in my life isn’t it? Because if I do, I have a whole lot of people I need to write about. I didn’t even mention about my best friends here. I didn’t mention much about people who helped shape my mentality, people whom I admire for their courage to be who they are, for standing up for what they believed in. Why not some may ask? Because I do not feel that it is necessary to do so. Because I’m feeling selfish and do not want to share such thoughts with others. Is there anything wrong with that?

To my dear bf, when you read this entry, please understand that this blog is an outlet for me to express how I feel. And please understand that sometimes, I rather not write and let everybody know how I feel about you because it’s something private to me, something that belongs only to me and me alone and I have no wish to share it with everybody. I just hope you’ll understand.

The End Of A Wonderful Friendship

2004-09-18T14:05:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really do wonder at the works of nature. I’m not talking about mother nature here, but rather the human nature which everyone of us has. How can 2 people be so close to each other several months ago and not talk to each other now? In fact, one person sees the other as an ‘enemy’.

C and I were quite close last semester. When the conflict between JC and me brew out of control because I was accused as a demanding bitch, C was there to support me morally and emotionally. And I truly appreciate her support for without it, there’s a high possibility of me breaking down before the semester ends. We were still close at the beginning of this semester. Frankly, I have no idea what really happen that causes our friendship to deteriorate so badly to the extent of us not really talking to each other anymore. After the confrontation I had with her a couple of weeks ago (which ended up with me getting the entire fault again even if it’s not completely mine), I tried making an effort to talk to her, interact her, as much as possible as if nothing had happened. But I guess one person making the effort alone is not enough. She barely response to me, she prefers to give me one word answers, she doesn’t look at me when she talks, or sometimes, she comes across as rather rude.

I’ve thought of several reasons why we’re not really on talking terms anymore. Maybe it’s because J came into the picture. J was pretty friendly to C first than she was to me and she hangs out with C a lot more than she does with me at the beginning of the semester. But when J finds out from C that my father was also an Air Force pilot and that he died in an air crash like her own dad did, she gradually started hanging out with me, resulting in both of us getting quite close. The fact that our fathers were close friends when both are still alive and the fact that my mum was a good friend to her mum and was there to support her mum when her dad died was another added factor for us to be so close to each other, to support each other. I guess it was partially because of the bond that we are half-orphans and both our mothers are going through the same experiences, because we are the children of dead Air Force pilots, that we’ve gotten so close. Maybe C wasn’t happy about it. Maybe she feels neglected about it. I guess it could be one of the keys that spark off her ‘hatred’ towards me.

Another reason could be because of Aaron. We’re in the same group but Aaron and I talk more often than she does to him because of our Research Proposal for MRM. Somebody suggested that maybe she’s jealous that I’m so compatible with Aaron. *laughs hysterically * I’m not too sure about that, but thinking about it seriously, there might be a high possibility of that happening, though I think the most compatible person with Aaron would not be me, but another friend of mine. =P

There are another few other reasons I’ve thought of but I wouldn’t want to go into details about it. I guess what Mabel said is right. I shouldn’t think too much about it. I should just take an ‘I-couldn’t-care-less’ attitude towards the whole thing because I’m not really at fault here. Oh well!

Is it really me at fault?

2004-09-01T21:45:00.000+08:00

I’m very tired right now. Tired and disappointed to be exact. I’m tired because I’ve been up and about for the whole day, coping with classes, assignment and my Mass Comm Club blog. By the way, if anybody’s interested, check out the blog at this addy: http://mcdclub.blogspot.com. It’s still rather new and those in charge of it including yours truly, were very busy with our classes and assignments and what nots. So, please bare with the simplistic outlook and boring updates for the time being.

Anyway, back to my usual ranting and raving, I’m very near to pulling my hair out of my head now. Trying to get the MRM Research Proposal done is no easy feat. And it had to be a group assignment. So far, the Research Proposal is finished but needed some fine tuning here and there because Aaron and I did it by cooperating with each other. Our other group member (I shall not name her actual name), C, is suppose to help too considering it being a group assignment but honestly, she hasn’t done much except the usual question pose to me every week, “So, what have we found? Do you need my help to do anything?” To which I’ll tell her that we were still looking for our literature review back then and asked her to look for any whenever she’s free. I guess she’d not been very free because she kept asking me the same question over and over for several weeks. When Aaron finally found 3 journals pertaining to our topic (I tried looking for any literature too but couldn’t found any), we proceeded to get on with the job by asking our senior for advice and also looking for Christine, our MRM lecturer, to check if we are on the right track and to explain anything that we didn’t really understand from the Study Guide.

One senior, Sam, purposely stayed back one fine day just to explain in details to us how to go about doing the Research Proposal. I asked both Aaron and C to stayed back and both did. Unfortunately, only Aaron and I paid attention to what Sam was explaining because C was very quiet all the while and I could tell that she wasn’t really listening to what Sam was explaining because it was really clear on her face that she was zoning off. Hey, I wanted to zone off too because I was in college the whole day and she wasn’t there the whole day except for the one hour class in the afternoon but I forced myself to pay attention because Sam stayed back to help us out when she could have gone up and rest.

The next few weeks after Sam’s help, I did tried to inform her of what is going on in the group assignment since she’s ever so busy working in the weekends and I couldn’t seem to find her after class everyday. I’m just kind of pissed off that she had the nerve to message Aaron tonight and apologised to him for not helping out much in the group assignment while implying that she was ‘seldom’ informed of what was going on in the group. The first thing that came into my mind was, “What the fuck?” Even if we sometimes forgot to inform her, it’s also her duty as one of the group members to come and find out what is going on either from Aaron or I. But no, she did not. Instead, she look pretty relax to me. She even had time to go hang out with her friends in KL and whatever place even when I suggested that we could maybe stay back one day after class to discuss about the assignment. Maybe she didn’t catch what I said. That I don’t blame her. But any person with a good head on their shoulder know that they should ask for updates on what is going on in the group. Is it my fault that she doesn’t know what’s going on most of the time? If she sees me talking to Aaron, the least she could do was to come up and asked if we’re talking about the MRM assignment right? And it’s not like I purposely choose for the time when she’s not around to discuss the assignment with Aaron. We usually discuss in between the 5-10 minutes break we have during class and I did look around for her but I always can’t seem to find her.

Anyway, one day somewhere last week, I asked both of them to stay back after class so that we could come up with something final and get to work on the Proposal. Aaron and I were both discussing and coming up with ideas while she kept quiet. And it’s always in my nature to sum up everything that was discuss and give an informal report on what is going on and asked everybody if they agree or disagree with my interpretation of what was discussed earlier. I did the same during our discussion and Aaron gave me an immediate, “Yeah, no problem.” As for C, she kept quiet for a little while and said that she’s a bit ‘slow’ and she needs time to absorb what was discussed earlier. Ok, fine. So, I passed her the notes that I’d been scribbling furiously during the discussion to her and told her to asked us if she doesn’t understand anything. She took a look at the notes and the journals we found, read them and then return them to me without saying a single word. Oooooookaaaayyy. Fine.

I went to the loo after that and when I came back, Sam was sitting at where I was sitting earlier and guess what? C was talking animatedly to Sam about the assignment and writing some notes down. But when Aaron and I joined in the conversation, she kept quiet and started reading Aaron’s copy of Maxim. After the discussion ended, she just asked, “So, how now?” If she’s been paying attention, she wouldn’t have asked us that question. Even if she asked any question, it wouldn’t be so blunt. Truthfully, I was rather upset then. But I just kept quiet and I guessed it showed a lot in my face. C and I took the hostel bus together and when we reached the hostel, she asked me if she could do anything to help. I was quite happy when she asked and asked her to write the Intro and Research Methods part of the Research Proposal and passed me the draft by Friday or something. It’s quite easy to understand that she has to write them in assignment essay format since I asked her to write a draft and give it to me right? Maybe she didn’t understand. I guess I’m partly at fault for not being clear enough. A ‘draft’ she did give me. But it’s in the form of points. Freaking POINT FORM!!!! And it was the long weekend holiday at that time and we haven’t even written a single word for the Proposal so it’s quite understood that we might need to meet up during the hols to finish the Proposal. But guess what C did? She went to stay over at her friend’s place in Nilai. Again, maybe it’s my fault for not informing her not to go anywhere. But our plans were not confirmed because I thought we could finish before the holidays. And I was out during the nights because of Sam’s birthday.

I asked her one Sunday night if it’s possible for her to go over to Aaron’s place in Cheras so that we could do our assignment there and finish it if possible. That was when she informed me that she’s in Nilai and she asked me, “So how ar?” I’d kind of expected that kind of response from her and asked her to enjoy her holidays. In the meantime, I had to get my lazy bum off my bed early Monday morning to go over to Aaron’s place to finish the Proposal. And finish we did. Although I still have to edit some parts of it on Tuesday. But at least we finished it. Just Aaron and I. Without C’s help whatsoever. I was very disappointed with her. I’d never thought that she would give me this kind of shit. And being the usual me, I’d always needed an outlet whenever I’m angry or stress, so I’d complain a little about her to a few friends, particularly Aaron since he’s in the same group with me. I admit, my fault is complaining or ranting and raving about her to my friends. I admit, I shouldn’t have done it. I didn’t give it a second thought before blurting everything out. But I was just so stressed out and pissed off that I just didn’t give it any second thoughts. I’m not bitching about her. It’s not my intention to do so. I might sound like I’m bitching and I might have done it involuntarily but…what the fuck!

All in all, if we really did not ‘inform’ her of anything that is going on in the group, Aaron wouldn’t have said that he’ll save the message up. I guess he’s not the type to be as vocal as I am about things that are unsatisfactory but if I’m not wrong, he’s feeling the same thing that I’m feeling minus the part of being the Bossy Bitch. Frankly, I don’t really like pulling him into the ‘politics’ and I don’t like being in it myself too but what can we do? I wanted to confront C many times yet each time I wanted to confront her, she’ll say something or offer to do something for the group and I’ll decide not to confront her after all since she’s trying to do something after all. Guess I made a wrong judgement. I should have confronted her. *sigh *

How does it last?

2004-08-25T11:11:00.000+08:00

How does a relationship last when both parties are in a long distance relationship (hereafter, known as LDR)? How does it last when he only calls once a day? How does it last when each call last only 3 minutes and both have to summarise their whole day in less than a minute? How does it last when he wants to call only once every 2 days because of the expensive phone bill? How does it last? Can somebody please tell me what to do?

Even though we started our relationship as a LDR thing, it's been ages since we were apart for so long. And the fact that it's gonna stay permanent as long as I study in KL and will only be back in Penang during my holidays doesn't help the longing in my heart for him. I miss him so much...and he promised long ago before he left that he'll be down in KL for a day or 2 just to see me. BUt once again, he's going to break that promise. A promise that I look forward to for weeks. He had not confirm anything yet but deep down inside, I know he won't make it. Yet, my heart hurts. And I don't want to hurt no longer. I wonder how it'll be when I leave for Perth end of next year.

Cultural Studies

2004-08-19T10:20:00.000+08:00

I took Intro to Cultural Studies last semester and managed to garnered myself a Distinction (D). I think what helped me to get that grade was the High Distinction that was awarded to my take home exam by Dr Tara Brabazon. I thought I'd share my masterpiece here with everybody but I'm definitely not showing off. Just sharing. =) Happy reading!

P/S: No plagiarism though, please!

“The role of the intellectual is not to tell others what they have to do. By what right would he do so? The work of an intellectual is not to shape others’ political will; it is…to question over and over again what is postulated as self-evident, to disturb people’s mental habits, the way they do and think things, to dissipate what is familiar and accepted, to reexamine rules and institutions.” (Michel Foucault)

Consider Foucault’s assessment of the intellectual’s role in society. To what extent does the cultural studies critic accomplish this goal? Use at least three examples to verify you case.

Education has always been considered very important in virtually around the whole world for without education, there would not be any intellectual present and without the presence of intellectuals, there would not be constant changes in the world today. Education is a part of life and no matter how old or young one might be, life is a constant roller coaster ride of learning and being educated. Thus, it is not surprising to think generally that education can act as a resort to overcome inequalities in society. Even though many believe that this is true, the honest truth is beyond its ideal.

With the existence of education, there will be the existence of educators. Educators are also known as intellectuals. At present, there is a large group of intellectuals in the world but according to Foucault’s statement above, the work of an intellectual is not to tell others what to think or do but rather to question and criticize what may seem ordinary to others. In other words, intellectuals have to possess the wisdom to recognize ignorance and the power of assumption to be able to criticize and doubt about the on goings in the world. All men and women can be considered as intellectuals but not all will function the way Foucault had stated.

Cultural studies is considered to be a new phenomenon in the world of education, thus it is always subjected to all kinds of criticism. Yet, those who have to bear the brunt of the worst criticism is not the subject itself but rather its own critics and experts which are also intellectuals. As intellectuals, cultural studies critics have to work very hard to show that they are able to accomplish the goal that was set by Foucault. Some may think that they do not fulfill the criterias set by Foucault but this can be proven wrong for there are critics out there who do not tell people what to think or do but rather to get people to think and question the familiarity around them especially when it comes to education.

Michael Apple’s writing is full of criticism and oozes loads of sarcasm which allows his readers to identify with what he wrote and later, question the full impact of his work. In Education, Identify and Cheap French Fries (1996), Apple wrote about issues that were faced by the country that he was visiting. The most important issue was about education. According to Apple, that particular country does not have any formal educational establishment, thus its people are not educated to fight for their rights. The military-dominated government suppresses its people from gaining education to avoid any uprising because they were deprived from facilities that many take for granted such as hospitals. Based on that story, Apple argued that education is relatively and fundamentally important in every sense to avoid supremacy and exploitation of a higher class society. Words and its meanings seem to leap out from Apple’s work to his readers because they may be tempted to start questioning what people usually take for granted – the right to free education or class relations that sometimes prevent people from lower class to gain knowledge – which may result in some readers to reexamine the familiarity of education around them.

In Henry Giroux’s piece on Literacy and the Pedagogy of Political Empowerment (1987), he clearly argued about the dysfunctional education system of America by bringing his own points with remarks from Antonio Gramsci to support his case. By giving an explanation of what he thinks Gramsci’s remarks are and a clear overview of his points, Giroux is actually inviting readers to make comparison between the two of them and think about what both of them had to say about education. Giroux brought up the pros and cons of the education system in America on minorities. His arguments clearly dissipate what people think of the system; that working-class’ and minorities’ children learn reading and writing skills to succeed in school and work when both skills are used only to instruct children on what they should or should not do. Giroux distinctly challenges his readers to think and ask.

In Education under Siege (1985), Giroux and Stanley Aronowitz question about the way teachers are treated due to the crisis of public education in America. Both wrote that due to the crisis, educational reformers offered all kinds of solutions they think best that would solved the crisis promptly ignoring the teachers who were at hand. The main purpose of the teachers were eroded and they exist only to serve and implement new rules and systems that were set by the upper level of those in the department of education. Giroux and Aronowitz explained in their own terms how the system had failed and how it does not benefit teachers in public school. They both shared the sentiment that the public failed to see the key roles of teachers and that the interests of the reformers are against the traditional purpose of public education. Instead of receiving only inputs, readers are forced to give outputs because education is important especially in America.

From the three examples that were given, it is quite clear that all three critics fulfilled Foucault’s statement of an intellectual. All three of them argued their way through their writings and indirectly assert for readers not to accept blindly what is given or written to them but instead to question all things familiar especially regarding education. The three writers also reexamine the rules and institutions that were set up on education and indirectly plead with readers to take a stand. While not all intellectuals function the same way, these three writers clearly show that they do in fact belong to Foucault’s interpretation of what makes an intellectual because like Socrates, they subtlely ask questions about things and ways that people take for granted with enough wisdom to criticize on things that are not right.

My 21st Birthday

2004-08-11T12:40:00.000+08:00

So far, so good despite all the lamenting and depression I went through yesterday afternoon. Things got better when one of my friends staying in the hostel came up to my apartment and came into my room to talk to me and my roommate. She informed us of my ex-housemates birthday and casually asked me if it's my birthday tomorrow(today). When I said yes, my roommate gave a surprised yelp because I didn't say anything about it plus she just moved in a couple of weeks ago.

My roommate(who incidentally has a loud voice despite her petite size) proceeded to go out to the living room where everybody were lounging and announced that it will be my birthday from 12am onwards that night. We actually planned to go for lunch in 1 Utama today but we had to cancelled it because Denise, my housemate, messaged me and said that she and my roommate had to attend some kind of briefing which is compulsory. Surprisingly, I'm not disappointed or anything because they've already given me hugs last night at the stroke of midnight.

So far, I'd gotten 4 Birthday phone calls, 5 hugs from my housemates and friends and a huge birthday present from Ai Ling, Carven, Chip Hui and Rachel. I will not open it til tonight but I'm very happy and touched that they remember my birthday. =D Received a lot of Birthday messages from friends since 12 last night. I think I'll continue receiving them til tonight because knowing one of my best friends, it's her style to call and wish or message a minute before birthday ends to wish Happy Birthday. We'll see how it turns out.

Going for dinner with Andrew tonight. He sort of promise me to buy me dinner on my Birthday if my bf's not around or couldn't make it down to KL to celebrate it with me. I didn't think he would be serious about it, but he meant every word that he said when he promised me.

This year's Birthday is really different from the past years that I'd celebrated mine. Even though there's no cake whatsoever, I'm not disappointed because what's most important to me is that my friends remember this special day of mine. I hope nothing will jinx it for the rest of the day for me. I'll come back later or tomorrow to edit this about how the dinner went.

[Edit: 12/08/2004, 10.40am] First things first. The present that Ai Ling, Chip Hui, Carven and Rachel gave me also came from Mei Ling and Clare. The present came in the form of a mama piggy with 3 piglets stick to its side. LoL. Quite appropriate for me since I'm using Piggymama eh? I had something from Aaron and Josephine too. It was quite a shock to me since we've only known each other for a couple of weeks and they only found out that it was my birthday when Chip and gang gave me the present yesterday morning. When they went to 1 Utama for lunch, they went and bought a cow baby beanie for me. And frankly, I LOVE it! I've been meaning to get myself a baby beanie for ages now but never did bought one cause it's a little too dear for me to get one and I love my $$ a lot. Keke.....

Anyway, Andrew had to cancel dinner with me last night because he had church practise that he couldn't escape. So instead, I asked my housemates if they want to have dinner with me instead considering our initial plan to have lunch together didn't work out. Ended up, my housemate, Denise, my roommate, Chai Wei and our friend, Janna went to 1 Utama for dinner. We were walking aimlessly around 1U for half an hour or so before deciding on having dinner at Pizza Hut. I wanted to have dinner at Fish&Co. but it was too expensive for Janna. So, we decided to go for Japanese but it turns out to be Non-Halal and Janna is a Muslim. Finally, Denise suggested Pizza and off we went to Pizza Hut. It was quite a walk because all of us were in the new wing and had to walk all the way back to the old wing for pizza.

Halfway through, Denise stopped in her tracks and said she need to buy newspapers. Chai Wei said she need to buy groceries. Hence, Janna and I went ahead to Pizza Hut to get us a place and place our order first just in case there's a big dinner crowd there. When Denise and Chai Wei finally arrived, the food has already arrived and we were tucking in pizza when Denise suddenly said, "Hey, put the pizza at the next table. Quick!" I was shocked and thought to myself, "What the heck is going on here?" when Denise produce a cake from under the table with a flourish, "Ta-da, Happy Birthday!" It was a lovely surprise. I did not see any cake when they walked in and she manage to somehow keep it out of my view until the last moment. Keke....I never expected to have a birthday cake this year. We took some pictures using Chai Wei's Nokia phone and before I blew off the candles, Denise sang the birthday song for me. When I said Denise, it's really Denise alone. Janna and Chai Wei were too embarrassed because everybody from surrounding tables turned to stare when Denise sang at the top of her voice. Keke....But I admire her courage and thoughtfulness to make it so special for me. Anyway, towards the end of the dinner, there were half a pizza left and 2/3 of a cake left. We were all too stuffed to eat anymore. Thus, all the taking away needed to be done. When I reach home, I was exhausted BUT happy!

Pre-Birthday Depression

2004-08-10T12:01:00.000+08:00

As usual, just like every year, depression begins to set in on my Birthday eve. It's harder this year on me because this year's birthday is suppose to be extra special, and I don't feel extra special or even special at all so to speak. Morning class at 9 started off ok for me. At least Mabel came in to give a guest lecture instead of Mark. If it were Mark, I'd probably be lost half way through the lecture because he sometimes speaks like a bullet train and his words and all mix and it sounds like he's mumbling or something like that. But I do try to make an effort to catch what's he talking about, I try my best at least.

Like I said, class was quite ok when it started out. Until the break. DUring the 10 minutes break that Mabel gave us, I feel kind of left out. My friends were all talking to each other and whenever I walked towards them, they will disintegrate the group and just keep quiet. If they're talking about their MRM thing, they could just tell me what they're talking about and I'll take my cue and walk away. But if they're not, couldn't they just share it with me? I mean, that's what friends do right? Or maybe, I'm just an acquaintance of theirs that happen to hang out a lot with them. But that should render me as friend rather than an acquaintance. SOmetimes when I find out that they go out together during the weekends and I'm not invited(I only find out after they came back from the outings), I feel heavy hearted, sad. Maybe I'm just too sensitive for my own good. There were so many times where I told myself not to care, to enjoy life as it is, without complications and things, but I can't help it. Why must I be so emotional? WHy can't I be built the way a lot of people are to avoid being so sensitive? WHy must God make me the way I am? I don't find myself useful in society. I contribute nothing to God, society or my friends. I'm just one extra soul that God created to put in this world. Maybe His aim in creating me is to add numbers to a world that's already full of population. Maybe when He created me, He had hopes and dreams for me but I dashed them all away when I turned away from him. THere are so many maybes and I wouldn't know which one it is that made me the way I am right now.

My heart hurts when my friends treat me the way they did just now. Maybe they didn't mean it. Like I said, maybe I was just being extra sensitive. But if affected my mood so badly that I was just listening to Mabel's lecture without really registering what she's talking about. As hard as I tried to concentrate, my mind keeps wondering about. Why am I not accepted to the group yet? Why do I keep feeling like an outsider? COme to think of it, why am I so desperate to get accepted? My friends put it to me having a bad mood thus they did not disturb me much. After all, I do get into one of my moods once in a while. And I don't blame them for not askign more questions because they did ask me what's wrong and I just said that I'm tired.

I hope tomorrow would be a better day for me. I don't want to feel sadness, disappointment or depression on the day I was born 21 years ago. It's a special day after all, it's even more special because one only turn 21 once in thier lifetime. It isn't too much to ask for a special day where people remembers my birthday for once and actually celebrate it with me right?

A Relatively Normal Day

2004-08-09T16:27:00.000+08:00

Things are pretty normal today, just like any other normal days that I had. The only UN-normal event that happen today was the "big" thing we had to do:-tell CW that we had changed to the other tut group for POM.

It all happened after Christine's class. We went outside talking when I spotted Aaron(I thought he was a Malay the first time I saw him, he looks kinda cute though) and asked him if he could help photostapt a chapter on the topic we're researching for MRM from the Media Studies book I borrowed from the library. The photostapt shop on the 3rd floor near our class is not open. I think the aunty there opens according to her mood. Good mood then she'll open, bad mood then she'll not open. Hmph! Anyway, I asked Aaron in my sweetest voice ever(I hope it is) and he agreed to help me do so since I was carrying my file and my Unit Reader and needed to go grocery shopping a little later after that.

I saw CW coming out of the class but since I was talking to Aaron, I didn't call out to her. My friend did instead. When I finally finish talking to Aaron and went back to the table where all of us are sitting around, I joined in the conversation my friend was having with CW and added words in order to justify our action. We said sorry to her and remarkably, she was able to accept it very well without much hassle. We're not sure if she's really mad or she's really ok about it but hopefully she's all right. After all, we're still gonna treat her like normal.

Other than that, everything went on pretty normal for me. I was out and about the college for another 1-2 hrs before I left to catch the bus to go to 1Utama to do my grocery shopping. Unfortunately for me, when I came out from the college, I saw the bus waiting at the end of the road and I ran towards it. But it didn't wait for me and left 5 seconds before I reach the end. >< No choice but to take the cab there. I saw my housemate descending from the bus when my cab passes by and called her to go grocery shopping together. Fortunately for us, her friend joined us after 1/2 hour or so and fetch us back with all those heavy plastic bags on both our hands. Muahaha........

And finally, I got to cook my own proper dinner after coming back to KL for nearly a month. I left my ingredients to cook in my slow cooker before I came down to online in the lab. Yum!

Phone Calls from Overseas

2004-08-06T18:39:00.000+08:00

I had 2 phone calls from friends who are studying overseas for the past 2 days. One from my best male friend, Jon, who's studying in Curtin University in Perth, Australia 2 nights ago. I was delighted to get his call because we have not talk to each other for months, there's no email from him, I did not even see him online, etc. There was just no communication between us for the past few months because we're both just very busy studying and completing our assignments. There was some bad news from him. He told me that he failed 3 out of his 4 units which were pretty bad. Thus, he had to repeat another semester for the failures he had. He tried appealing to his lecturer or dean or something like that but it would not work because according to the school, he failed too many subjects to resit the 3 papers he failed. I wasn't too happy about him failing because he's my friend after all and I wished the best for him, but there's a tiny little part of me that's sort of excited and happy because when I go over to Perth for my final year in Murdoch, he'll still be around to accompany me for at least 6 months before he leaves. That is if he doesn't fail any more paper. Or else, he'll have to stay back the entire year with me in Perth. ><

The other call was from my friend, Kok Sin, who's studying in UK. He called me this morning when I just woke up and was still lazing on my bed. We talked a little while only because I need to wash up and catch a bus at 10 plus but it was pretty nice to hear from him after a long period of silence in his part. The words coming out from his mouth is still ever so sweet, always sugar-coated to make his female friends happy. And the best part was, he remembers my birthday. He mentioned the date and month exactly and promised to call me then. Hehe....he did mentioned about giving me a digital camera as a birthday present when I mentioned I do not have one but LoL, I know he won't buy one for me. Even if he really did, I wouldn't accept it because it's just so freaking expensive to buy a digi cam. Oohh...one more good news for me. He said I look thinner compared to CNY when he saw me then. Muahahaha....*delighted laugh continues* But the picture he saw on my Friendster was from last semester. I think I have gained some weight but not to the point of being fat like I was in A levels. =P

*skips off to dinner*

Battle of the Bitches

2004-08-06T16:51:00.000+08:00

Yup, that's right. Battle of the bitches will be going on this semester. It was only a few days ago (approximately a week ago to be exact), that I told my housemate that I foresee a battle of the bitches going on this semester but I wasn't too sure who will be up against who then. And boom! It all started yesterday after our Principles of Marketing (will be known as POM from now onwards) tutorial.

There is initially 8 of us in a group. But one of them left the programme, changed to another college and will be taking up a whole new different course over there. When I heard that she left, I had mixed feelings about it. First, I felt happy and peaceful because she will not be around to create conflicts anymore. Second, I felt a little sad that things were not very good between us when she left, I sort of wish we could have really patch things up, be friends, that sort of thing before she left because of the spat and conflict we had last semester. After she left, another girl, CW(I won't use actual names here since I'm kinda bitching) started to join our group. We were not too happy about it cause frankly, all of us were not too fond of her. Plus, she was from this other group from the semester before us. There was some conflict going on between her and the 3 of them and she always bitch to us about the so-called leader of that group, CC. We do not like hearing about bits and info about CC from CW but we really do not know how to tell her to stop talking about her. And whenever CW bitches about CC, there's this sinister or cynical look on her face that scares the shit out of us.

Anyway, the 7 of us are in the same tutorial class for POM and would be nicely divided into groups of 3 and 4 between ourselves. I know we need to mix around with others but we're just quite comfortable with each other. I felt really, really comfortable with the rest because I felt more accepted in the group because of the one girl who left. I'm able to chat and joke with them more, and the rest of the group seem to be able to accept the real me. Back to the story. Before Soo Heng, my POM lecturer started to give her lecture, I was talking to one of my friends and asked if she had a group yet because we have to give group presentations for POM as part of our assignments. Before I could ask her if she wanted to join me, CW called her and started talking to her, so I turned behind and chatted with my friends for a little while. When my friend finally turn around to me, I asked her what she and CW are talking about and she replied by saying that CW asked her so that both of them are in the same group and my friend said yes. I don't know what got over me, maybe I was just too lazy looking for groups so I asked my friend if it's ok if I joined her and CW and my friend said yes. I thought I saw her breathe with relieve but it turns out to be kinda true. She wasn't too fond of CW being in a group with her but she doesn't know how to say no.

Then the 2 friends of CC asked another friend of mine to join their group leaving CC alone. But their really cunning and smart. They asked my friend to 'request' to join their group. All of us know that CC will bitch about the whole affair and she definitely wouldn't believe it if she finds out that her friends were the ones who ditch her. Our whole group advised my friend not to go along with their suggestion but still somehow, they manage to rope in my friend into their group thus leaving the rest of the group upside down and confused. ANd during the whole conflict kinda thing going on, CW continues bitching to my ears about CC. After tut, 5 of us sat down and began talking seriously about the problem that's going on. It seem to us that CW is using us to get back on CC and we'll be under fire from CC soon if we continue listening to her bitching about CC and hanging out with her so often. We talked about changing tut class and realize that we CAN make it a reality and went to Soo Heng and request that 7 of us change tut class to avoid the controversy because whatever that's going on between CW and CC's group is none of our business. We do not want to get ourselves involve in something as unnecessary like that and find ourselves being the bad bitches.

Thankfully, Soo Heng is kind enough to allow all 7 of us to change our tut class but the problem now lie with me and my friend to tell CW that we change tut class. The only thing that we're hoping for is that she wouldn't be thick skinned enough to change tut class because we're gonna tell her that we'd already divided ourselves nicely between the 7 of us and asked her to look for another group. Man, I feel such a bitch myself. But for the sake of myself, ourselves, it's best that we don't get involve as much as possible.

I foresee several battle of the bitches going on this semester and I foresee that I'll get involve in it involuntarily. ><

First Tut Assignment

2004-08-05T10:06:00.000+08:00

I'm ready to tear my hair out right now! Our first tutorial assignment which comes up to only 3% of the whole course is giving me a big, big problem here. 3% may not mean much to others but I know how precious it is, it can MAKE or BREAK your grade.

For this first assignment, which by the way is for Media Research Methods (one of the dry core subjects I have to take this sem), we have to search through Murdoch's e-library searching for some journal on media research and boy, am I having a hard time searching for the right one. I'd been looking for hours yesterday and downloaded some into my USB but when I reached home to actually sit down and read them, I find none suitable even though them seem quite suitable when I was in the lab in college.

So, here I am. In the college computer lab again. Trying to look for the right journal. And one of my coursemates from the new intake just request that I search one for her too. Sorry dearie, but I'm having a hard time myself too. *starts tearing out my hair*

Long Meeting

2004-08-04T16:35:00.000+08:00

I am so, so tired right now. Mass Comm Degree Club meeting just ended and I'd never felt so tired after meeting for so long now. We discussed so many things in the meeting that ended a while just now:- Orientation Day, Angel-Mortal game, Money making projects. I think we spend most of the time during the meeting discussing about the Orientation Day and the Angel-Mortal game. Come to think of it, the longest time we spend discussing our agenda would probably the Movie Screening thing which is one of a the projects that we're gonna do to earn money for the club.

I'm heading it and frankly, thinking of it and all the organising and moderating that I have to do freaks me out a little. Yes, I've been in committees before and I have arranged big scale things before but I have not done any for a long, long time now. I'm out of touch. And it's freaking me out. Maybe I should change my career choice from event management to something else. How the hell am I gonna do PR with such terrible skills? And the worst part was that the event is a last minute thing. We only thought of the idea last week and by next week, we have to put up posters and sell tickets and I probably have to stay back every single day from 16th-20th because we can only screen the movies after classes. The downside of it is the missing sales that we could have make from the diploma students because they are still having their holidays during our screening. I wonder if I could get Andrew to convince his friends to come to just to watch one movie or something like that during their holidays. On second thought, I doubt it will work even if he can make it himself. And we have to worry bout the movies that we're gonna show. Whether it's gonna attract people's attention enough to go and watch it. I think some movies will have good responses but some may not do so well. That's because movies we find interesting may not be as interesting to others.

Argh...I'm tired and sleepy right now. But I'm still in the college using the computer in the lab because I missed the 4.20pm bus and have to wait for the 5.10pm bus. I just sure hope that everything will turn out all right for the movie screening thing. And I'm gonna volunteer to help Po-Chien out with the Royal Parchment project (another money-making project slotted for September and October) because she's helping me out with the posters for the Movie Screening project. Not to forget Ken who volunteered to help with the tickets designing. At least I can take time off from these 2 important things and concentrate more on other aspects of the project. Hmm...come to think of it, I think I'll have to take a look at their work before they submit it in to our lecturer who is also our advisor on the Club.

*sleepy, yawns* Ready to knock off now. I'm wishing that 5pm will come soon because the seconds sure are ticking very slowly. Not to forget, my headache is getting worse by the minute. ><

A Lovely Surprise

2004-08-04T11:18:00.000+08:00

What a lovely surprised I had yesterday! I was taking a nap when I got back from class in the evening around 5pm because of a terrible headache when I received a sms from my Mum. I ignored the sms and continued napping and finally read it when I woke up around 7. Mum said my friend from Singapore had sent me a package and asked me if I want her to open it so that I would know what it contains. When I saw that message, I felt a jolt of surprise because my friend and I had not written snail mails or emails to each other for quite a while now. Basically, the fault was mine because I was just way too busy to write and whenever I’m free, I’m just too lazy to sit down and write because all I want to do then is to relax. However, whenever I do online to chat and he’s online too, we’ll chat like we always do which involves a lot of insulting and sarcastic comments. It’s just the way we were. Ever since I got to know him when I was 16 or 17, we’d always chat like that although there were times when he was a really sweet person whenever I’m moody or feeling down. By the way, I’d known him nearly 4 to 5 years now. Hehe…I’m turning 21 next week! *hint hint*

Back to my story, I replied my Mum’s sms and ask her to open the package and let me know what it contains so that I could thank my friend properly. Mum finally called back after I sent my reply hours ago and proceed to tell me what he sent. It was quite a huge aromatherapy candle that stands at about 3 inch wide and a diameter of 2 ½-3 inches. It’s contained in a metal case. I don’t know what type of fragrance it is because I forgot to ask my Mum and she forgot to tell me. According to my Mum, the candle is quite big by itself but my friend sent it in a very, very big box. 2 times the size of a normal shoe box. A candle and a hand made birthday card in a huge shoe box. My Mum found the box hilarious because the candle and the card both did not require a big box, yet she was sort of horrified at the postal that he paid. More than $7 Singapore dollars.

Frankly, I find the whole incident to be very sweet. My friend is such a thoughtful person. Not to mention, sweet as well. And I’ve been mean to him so often. =P Plus, I couldn’t even remember the exact date of his birthday except that it was somewhere in May. And according to my Mum, he even made the card himself. Awww! It really made my day because I’ve been a little broody for the past few days. As my birthday looms nearer, I get broodier each day. Usually, people tend to get happier each day when their birthday comes nearer but I just had to be the opposite. One of the reasons for my being broody is the absence of my bf this birthday. For the past 3 and a half years that we’re together, he’s never missed one single birthday of mine, never failing to celebrate it with me. This time round, especially one the most special and significant birthday one could ever had, he couldn’t be around because he’s now based in Penang while I’m still in KL. *sigh* I’ve already predicted that he wouldn’t be able to make it this year for my birthday because he just went back to Penang last week and my birthday falls on a weekday but I can’t help feeling a little sad and disappointed.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter what my friend sent me because what the present is doesn’t mean much to me. It’s the thought that counts and I’m really touched and happy for the early birthday present that I received even though I’m not able to enjoy my present for the time being. Hopefully, as the days proceed nearer to my birthday, I’ll get happier instead of broodier. I’d never wish for anything in my past birthdays except when I was still a child but for this year’s birthday, I just wished that I could celebrate it with my friends and people I care about instead of not really celebrating it like in the past. The last time I ever had a major celebration of my birthday was when I was 9. After that, no one really celebrated my birthday. Every single year after I was 9, my Mum would buy a small cake home to celebrate it with me. As I proceed on to high school, my friends never bother to surprise me with any surprise birthday celebration or even make plans to celebrate it with me even though I spent time to plan a birthday surprise for them. Yes, I was hurt back then, but as time passes by, I started to ignore then pain. But for this year, this year only, I wish to celebrate the joy of it. I wish somebody would come up with some plans to celebrate it with me. But I know it’s gonna be difficult. And it’s only wishful thinking.

I had a lovely surprise and I’m gonna enjoy the feeling for the time being. Hopefully, the feeling lasts til my birthday. Meanwhile, Alen @ Kunbao, thank you for the present and thank you also for being so thoughtful even though I was mean to you for so long. ;)

4 Ds

2004-07-28T13:23:00.000+08:00

Now, now, 4 Ds does not stand for 4 digits numbers. It doesn't even stand for bad grades. In fact, based on Murdoch University marking procedure, D is a very good grade. Come to think of it, it's the second best grade that a student can ever get in Uni life. You see, D stands for Distinction. Yup, I had 4 Distinctions in last sem. Frankly, I got the shock of my life when I saw the 4 Ds in my result slip.

Halfway through last sem, I was not even sure if I could get a D for any of my units because I felt that whatever assignments that I handed in was not my best. Apparently, I set a much too high expectation for myself because my lecturers seem to think otherwise. I had like 2 High Distinctions in my assignments, a couple of Ds and a couple of Credits. There were times when I thought my assignments will gather me only Passes but I was wrong. INstead, Ds and Cs came my way. To note, I'd been really happy with the results I got last sem.

At the end of the semester, I was counting the marks that I had gotten and was only confident of getting 2 Ds and 2 Cs. Ds for Media Industries and Intro to Cultural Studies and Cs for Writing for Professional Purposes and Intro to Screen Studies. But getting a C for my screen test gave me a D overall in Screen Studies while my journal exercises and quizes helped me in getting my D for Writing. Now, I'd not done very well in my assignments for Writing. Basically, I did not really understand the questions and I was also having writer's block. >< Even my lecturer was disappointed with the work I handed in because after taking a look at my journal exercises, she had a very high expectation in my assignments. Although she didn't say it, I know she thinks the work I handed in for my assignments are mediocre. I got to admit that it was not the best that I did. I could had done better if I put in a little more effort and time to it. I know I can write well if I want to. If knowing it is not enough, my journal exercises are a big proof to it. If memory serves me right, I had 16/17 out of 20 for my journal exercises and I had a few goods and well dones scribbled over my exercises. *sigh* Anyway, it's already over. But I can't help thinking that if I had done better in my assignments for Writing, I could had gotten a HD.

Well, this semester is gonna be a big challenge for me. Firstly, I have 3 core subjects. Plus, I have to do a LAN subject. LAN does not stand for local area network for those who do not know what I mean. LAN subjects are required subjects that the Government makes us private college students take in order to get our degrees and diplomas. Else, our degrees and diplomas will not be recognized in the country at all. STupid system me thinks but what can I do? After all, they're the superiors in this country not us, youngsters. Bleh!

It's only week 1 of studies but I'm already feeling the pressure. THe pressure to keep up the good grades I obtained last sem and the pressure to maintain them to get the KDU scholarship. My Mum's been giving me warning on not to overstress and overpressure myself because from past experience, I'll set the bar very high and when I get tired and stress over it, I'll give up halfway. I know, it's a very bad habit. But this time round, I do not have the extra time to lose and do whatever trials and errors I did in the past. THis time, it's now or never. If I lose this chance this time, I'll never be given another chance in a hurry to repent my mistakes. I just hope that when I needed time to let out my stress, my friends will be there to support me and comfort me.

A Random Entry

2004-07-14T20:35:00.000+08:00

My thoughts are pretty jumbled up right now. Things and situations that I had always thought will never happened to me but to others actually happened to me. Well, there's only one situation right now, but I'm feeling quite desolate right now. Helpless, scared, guilty, sinful.

I can't help but worry about what's gonna happen, etc. It sure doesn't help that while I'm thinking and worrying about all these, I have to bear the consequences of it. Why do women have to suffer because of men's laziness? I know I'm not suppose to worry and think about it too much but I can't help it. Even though I can't do anything about it right now, or even solved the problem right now, I just can't help it.

Thank goodness I have a friend who's really there for me. She's someone who I can open up to. I can't tell my best friends or other close friends because I know they would not understand. They would have thought that I was at fault. Come to think of it, I guess I'm partly to be blame. If I was more insistent, more firm in my choice, I wouldn't have to face such dilemma right now. *sigh*

Plastic Surgery

2004-07-12T00:27:00.000+08:00

I was watching a tv programme on 8TV just now and frankly, I was feeling kind of sick watching the pain 2 women had to go through to look and feel better about themselves.

The show is called 'Extreme Makeover' and the makeovers that both women had to endure to reach perfection are really extreme. Literally. Both women are middle aged and with the few imperfections that they had, they still look ok to me. Not bad enough to endure such excruciating pain.

I'm not really sure how they choose people for these makeovers but I think these people either send in entries themselves or their family will send the entries for the producers to choose from. From there, 2 person are choosen for each episode to undergo the makeovers that will last for 6-7 weeks. Both men and women can have these makeovers and the episode I watched, 2 women are chosen. Both went for plastic surgeries, cosmetic dental treatments, Lasik and the usual whole package of makeover that is the norm in magazines and tv programme these days where a specialist would change your hairstyle and make up and clothing and God knows what.

Now, the dental treatments and the rest of the makeover are not really extreme makeovers. They are normal makeovers that people undergo frequently, hence it's not really that scary. That, I can accept because I've had dental treatments before. And having new haircuts and make up is nothing new in the makeover world. But plastic surgery?! One word came to mind - OUCH!

Both women had nose jobs, brow lifts, liposuction under their chins, breast lift and augmentation and one of them even went for a face lift. They showed bits and parts of how the surgeries were conducted and boy, were they disgusting! I was acutely aware that I had a funny look on my face the whole time that was really close to being disgusted. And I wasn't the only one with that look on my face. My Mum had the same look on her face. So, I asked her, if she would ever go for plastic surgery and she gave me a sound "NO!". "I'm ageing gracefully now and I intend to continue doing so". Yup, that's what my Mum said. When the nurses wheel both women out from the OT, they look like mummies!! And they were in excruciating pain! *pain look in the face* I told myself there and then that I wouldn't go through such pain to right my imperfections. Never, ever in a million years. I would rather age gracefully like my Mum and my aunts and never subject myself to go under the knife to look younger or more beautiful. I know it sounds quite idealistic of me to say so but seriously, I rather live with my imperfections than go through those pain.

No doubt, both women came out looking great. They look years younger than their actual age, they have bigger boobs, they have great hair, great makeover but the plastic surgery, *shakes head*, that's too extreme for me. I guess that's why they named the show 'Extreme Makeover'. *shudders*

War

2004-07-06T19:41:00.000+08:00

I've never like war. Even when I was young, yet to understand the full impact of it, I've never like the idea of it. You see, I emphatize with people easily. So, whenever there are reports of war, and the victims and hardship of those who have to bear the brunt of the war, I emphatize with them. I feel their pain, their burden. Even though I do not understand war at that time.

I know it sounds weird, but that's me. I've always been some sort of weirdo since young. Not the really 'weird' weirdo but in a good way, if there is any. ;)

Anyway, I was reading yesterday's and today's newspaper when updates of the post-war in Iraq catches my attention. Yesterday's newspaper reported that a marine soldier was beheaded by the same militants that had beheaded the past 2 hostages that they had captured. The marine soldier was a Lebanese serving the American government. One would thought that the militants would spare his life considering that he was also an Arab and a Muslim. Alas, the militants are just waiting to wash their hands with more blood and proceeded to behead him. There were no big ho-hah news on this piece like all the attention the media lavish onto the kidnapping and beheading of an American, Paul Johnson (I think) and South Korean, Kim Sun-Il (I think so too, can't remember all the names).

Maybe the international media have smarten up and decided not to give too much attention to the militants. One newspaper reader, wrote and suggest that the media might be playing into the miliants' hand, because what the militants want after all are attention. But with the beheading of the marine soldier (he's the second one it seems), and the promise of the militants that there are more to come, perhaps the earlier rumours and fears about the missing foreigners are true. How many more beheading are going to happen? How many more innocent lives will be sacrificed before the UN do something about it? Or for the matter, anybody who has the power to do so?

Do we really want to sit around and wait for more news about beheading? Right now, nobody is doing much save for sitting around. Why so? Because it did not happen to people they know. Those who are dead, they are just names to them. People only start petitioning and taking action when the unexpected happened to them. Why do we, as human beings, act as such jerks and bastards and not do anything about it? Why are we so lazy that we didn't want to take any action to curb the problem before it gets even worse? WHY?!

First things first. All this is the effect of a single cause. ANd the cause? When that bastard Osama bin Laden decided to use his terrorists to destroy the World Trade Centre and when that ass of a President, George Bush decided to retaliate by going to war. He didn't even weigh all the pros and cons properly before he decided to go to war. No doubt there will be pressure for those around him, but he can't even fucking decide by himself. He seems more like a puppet who are control by the Ministers around him. A monkey who's fond of putting his leg into his mouth. >< In other words, he is just a big loud donkey who happens to have a really large ass!

Save from sounding like a Miss World candidate, whatever happened to world peace?!

*too piss off to write anymore....=P

I hate durians!

2004-07-06T19:27:00.000+08:00

Yep, that's right. I hate durians. As a Malaysian, it can be considered as a big no-no. Mum brought home some durian for Granny just now but I was in my room, so I didn't know that she brought home the King of the Fruits. ><

Anyway, the moment I opened the door and came out from my room, the overwhelming smell of the durian is so strong that I just screwed up my nose and yelled, "EWWWW!! DURIAN! YUCKS!" My mum had branded me an ang moh when she found out that I do not eat durian and I can't bear the smell of it a few years back.

It's really a big mystery to her why I dislike durian so much these days. I used to love eating durian. Just the word durian itself can make my mouth water. I can just eat durian and feel full without the need to have any rice in my stomach. But the old Grace is gone now. The me now can't stand durian. Just the smell of it irks me and gets my nausea into full blast. Urgh! Thinking about just now, I can feel bile rising to my throat. *shudders*

I really do not understand why the sudden change in me that dislike durian so much. But I do pity myself when I'm surrounded with so many durian lovers in the family. And I really pity my poor bf. There were som any times when he actually wanted to buy durian because he loves them a lot, but I wouldn't let him because I just can't stand it! He'll give me a dejected look but agreed to whatever whims and dislikes I have regarding that forbidding fruit. Thank you da-da for understanding me so well!

Observations in a Governmental office

2004-07-06T00:08:00.000+08:00

I brought Granny to the National Registration Office over in Bandar Perda early this morning to change her IC which was implemented by the Government several years ago. The office is suppose to open at 8am and we reached around 8.15am. When I went to get the queu number, it's already at 122 and it's not even 8.30am yet!

All sorts of thoughts went through my mind at that instant. My Granny is not one of the most patient person on earth and mind you, with her sharp tongue, it's bound to offend quite a number of people. I immediately inform her that we have to wait for naerly 2 hours before it is her turn to take her picture and suggest that we go for breakfast at a nearby coffeeshop.

At first, she agreed. But when there is not direct bridge from the office to the coffeeshop which is directly opposite the building of the Registration office, she got impatient and fed up with all the walking around. See, she had to walk all the way to the main gate and walk another distance before reaching the coffeeshop. However, because of her poor health, hence she's not able to walk far without feeling dizzy and out of breath. Since she got really irritated and angry, she proceeded to tell me off in a not-so-nice way that she rather not have breakfast after all and that she rather wait in the Registration office for her turn. So, I offered to accompany her to the office, find a place for her and go get some thing for her to eat. She proceeded to give me a glare and so, I told her, "It's up to you la. If you're hungry or anything, you let me know. Cause it's gonna be a very long wait before it's your turn."

Being a Monday, I think the theory where a lot of people call in sick or take leaves on Monday is quite true. The Registration office is so crowded that there are barely any seats left when we reach at 8+ in the morning. I had a hard time looking for a place for Granny to sit down. It was a while before I found any seats. There was this empty seat beside a lady which I saw was with her husband earlier. So out of courtesy, I asked her if the seat is occupied. She said no. So I asked my Granny to come to the front and take the seat since she was standing behind that lady. Behind me, was this Malay girl. I think she saw that empty seat because she was trying to manouver her way around me to get to the seat. However, I wanted my Granny to have that seat because she's weak and she shouldn't be standing around for hours. So, I purposely block all attempts by the Malay girl to get to the seat and got my Granny firmly seated before I turned around and glance at her. She was GLARING at me. :P LoL. I did not give her a second thought after that because hey, she's still young, probably around my age. She can afford to stand around, not my Granny who's nearly 79 this year.

Speaking of youths, I notice that a lot of youths and yuppies who were sitting around at the provided seats, do not stand up and offer their seats to senior citizens or pregnant ladies. From where I was observing, it saddens me to see that majority of those standing are senior citizens with their head full of white hair, while those sitting down, are youths that stare at them with indifference. Where are all the morality and ethical values we learn back in school? Did they disappear the moment we left high school behind? So what if they scored an A1 in their SPM for their moral when they are acting like it's their God given right to sit down and stare when they are still young and energetic enough to stand instead? If I were in their position, I will feel sorry and ashamed of myself if I did not stand up and offer my seat to those who needed it more than I do. WHy? Because I'm still young! That's why. I won't waver around if I stand too long but those senior citizens will, especially those who are 60+ and above.

Now, the procedures in the Registration office is that they will call your number, then you proceed to the first counter to have your picture taken. Then, you take a seat and wait again. They will call your number again and this time around, you will get your thumbprints scan and receive a receipt. Usually, one doesn't have to wait more than 15 minutes between the 2 procedures but because they have a lot of people in the office today, and the lady that handles the photography is a very fast worker, plus the scanners for the thumbprints did not work very well, there was an hour's delay between the 2 procedures. Thus, after taking her picture, my Granny had to wait another hour before she can get her thumbprints scan into the system.

After having her picture taken, there were no empty seats around. I was standing around, looking with a purpose for an empty seat for my Granny, and there are this group of youths around my age at a nearby seat, staring openly at me and my Granny. The more they stare, the more irritated I got. I had a good mind of giving them a piece of my mind on what I think their attitude is. The least they could do when they see my Granny was to offer one seat for her. But no, they just stared insolently at us. I nearly wanted to tell them off when I spotted an empty seat and quickly urge my Granny to that seat before some spoilt youngster decided to take the seat.

This is probably what I would tell them off.

"SInce you're staring at my Grandmother, you'll notice that she's very weak now wouldn't you? So why not give up you seat and offer it to her instead of just sitting there and staring at her with you mouth open wide like you're watching a movie?! Do you want to see her faint or something? Would you enjoy that? I bet you would!"

Urgh! How can some people be so insensitive towards the older generation? DOn't they have grandparents? Can't they sympathize with them and try to treat them nicely instead of being so rude, just sitting down there and stare to their heart's content? Maybe it's just me. I always have a soft spot for senior citizens and the disabled. Not forgetting pregnant ladies too. If I were in the LRT, I would stand up and offer my seat to them. I've always felt that it's the right thing to do. ANd the plus factor was, I felt much better about myself as a person after being kind to them.

I think that the Registration office should make their department senior citizens and disable friendly. Perhaps open up a special lane to cater to such special people. It's really unfair for them to wait for such a long time. Especially when quite a number of the senior citizens are not literate in Malay or English. I'd notice a few senior couples whom went to the office themselves and they had a hard time trying to get people to help them fill in the forms. They had to asked people around what are the procedures. And, nobody bother to help them, or were reluctant to give them a helping hand.

Plus, there were one or two disable there who came in a wheelchair. They had to wait like everybody and go through the 2 procedures and wait for such a long time. Thank goodness their family were with them! Imagine what would happen to them if their families were not with them and they had to handle everything by themselves? They would probably be as helpless as those senior citizens. BM and Penang are not like KL. KL are more disable and senior citizen friendly because it's the capital city of the country. But that doesn't mean that there are no senior citizens or disable in other parts of the country! I think the Government should really 'take a look' into the situation since that's they're favourite way of solving a problem and instead of giving more excuses, they should find a solution and make public places, especially Governmental offices, a friendly place for senior citizens, disables and pregnant ladies.

I have a good mind of writing into the newspaper and put in a complain about this senior citizen friendly thing. I just might do so in a couple of days. Hmph!

Feeling under the weather

2004-07-05T02:04:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I've been feeling very dizzy lately and at frequent intervals too. Each time I got up from bed or from wherever that I was laying down or even when I got up from my seat, a wave of dizziness will envelop me and I had to stop and stay rooted at the same spot for quite some time before the dizziness go away and I am able to move around. I did not think much about this til a while ago. It definitely got a tirade of questions going off in my mind. Whether I was sick or something? Am I dying from tumour? Is it because of I'm a little anaemic? I know it's pretty hysterical thoughts but I can't help feeling worried.

Besides these bouts of dizziness, I've been suffering from gastric for the past two weeks that I'm back in BM. I didn't think much at the beginning because I'm just used to the dull pain in my stomach but for the past week, the pain was really intense and I keep feeling nausea all the time. There were even times when I nearly vomitted whatever I ate and I just lost all appetite throughout the whole day. I didn't want to see the doctor because I have my own gastric medicine, western and eastern type. You just name it. But since none of it is doing much help, I finally went to the doctor's on Friday and told him what happened to me. The weird thing was, the doctor did not even touch me to determine if whatever I told him is because of gastric or not. He just listened to whatever I had to say and immediately pescribed some tablets to take away my gastric. Some kind of a doctor! Hmph! But I guess he did refer to my old records that indicate I have a long history of gastric problems since young.

Because of gastric, I am not allowed to eat any spicy or oily food. And I feel very, very disappointed at both thoughts. Penang is a food heaven and all the good food here is both spicy and oily or contains high level of either one. I can't eat my favourite food! No doubt KL has all sorts of Penang food but it definitely can do much better in the level of standards because it doesn't taste like Penang food at all. *dreamy look on face* I've been having a lot of food cravings lately. Basically, cravings for Laksa, Nasi Lemak, Curry Mee, Dim Sum, etc. All are authentic Penang food that taste their best when eaten in Penang and for a Penangite such as me who has grown up eating nothing but delicious food, this is really, very torturous. I can only stare and smell the aroma of these food when I'm eating outside with my Mum and my Granny but I can't touch any of it!! *wails and whines* Serves me right for getting gastric at the wrong time and the wrong place. ><

Other than being dizzy and having gastric, another worrying problem that constantly fills my mind is my period. It's more than two weeks late now. Meaning the cycle has exceed 45 days, the max days that I've only experience once in my whole entire life. There's a constant fear at the back of my mind and it's the fear of getting pregnant. I can't afford to get pregnant now! I just can't! I still have my studies to complete. I still have so much goals in life that I want to achieve or at least experience before I get tied down by the responsiblity of having a family, of being a mother. I can't even go out and get home pregnancy kits because the nearest pharmacy is located in downtown where parking slots are nearly impossible to get. And the fear of being recognized by people who knows my Mum and my Granny is forever haunting me. Each day passes by with the hope of getting my period. Each day passes with the joy I will feel when I have my period. *sighs* And the worst part was my Mum keep asking me if my period's arrived yet. I have the worst feeling that she suspects something's amiss. ^_~ Oh well, I'll just see how things go before I go into hysterical mode. -_-

Family

2004-06-28T16:15:00.000+08:00

My father's side of the family is a household full of singletons. My uncles and my aunt have never gotten married before. Neither did any of them ever had a relationship before except my 2nd uncle. At least that's what I knew so far. And so any dreams on my Grandmother's side for more grandchildren had to put away since none of them are showing any inclination of getting invovled in a relationship or getting married soon. Until my 5th uncle returned to the family early this year.

My 5th uncle, who happens to be the youngest in the family, had been missing for nearly a decade. He disappeared and cut off all contact with us when he was declared a bankrupt in Singapore. Until this day, I am not really sure what happened 10 long years ago. But during this long period of time, I know how much my Grandmother misses him and how everybody in the family hope that he will at least contact any of us to let us know that he's safe and sound somewhere. Some of our relatives spotted him around in KL and Penang several times and tried to persuade him to come back to the family to avoid anymore heartache for my Grandmother but he never did. ONly after the death of my grandaunt did he come back and since then, he had stayed on and came home to my Grandmother's place every other week. But that isn't all, he brought a surprise back for all of us - his new family. He got married a few years back and last year, his wife gave birth to a lovely baby boy. I'm really happy for him and also my Grandmother and frankly, when I learned of the news, I breathe a sigh of relieve.

I've been the only grandchild for both sides of the family and to boot, I'm also the only child of a single parent, my Mum. My dad passed away 2 months before I was born. Anyway, being the only child and only grandchild plus, the only niece in the family, well at least at my father's side of the family without any more nieces and newphews, I always feel a lot of pressure especially when it comes to my studies. I guess part of the pressure that I felt are actually self inflicted. I always try my best in everything and I do and whenever I fall short of the expectation that I've set for myself, I'll be very disappointed with my self and disgusted at the same time for failing to achieve what I wanted. I don't know why but I've always think and felt that I needed to be better than everybody in things I do even though it's nearly impossible.

SO right now, all the attention is focus on my baby cousin, Adrian. And surprisingly, I'm not jealous or whatsoever. In fact, I myself have been paying a lot of attention to him too. *giggles* He's really cute. And really huge for a one year old. IN fact, we just celebrated his birthday yesterday. He's also very playful and a little cunning to boot. Whenever he did something that's wrong and his mother wanted to scold him, he'll give her an innocent smile and his mother will forget about scolding him in an instant. Now, isn't that cunning or what? And he loves to smile and laugh a lot. *grins* Weird thing is, he doesn't really look like my 5th uncle but instead look exactly like my 2nd uncle. Anyway, it's nice to have some new blood in the family. =)

Death of the South Korean hostage in Iraq..or is it?

2004-06-23T17:29:00.000+08:00

I was surfing the Internet at the wee hours early this morning while chatting with some friends who have scattered to every part of the world, namely Australia, Singapore and the States when one of them promptly message me to tell me the bad news that had circulated within the hour in the Internet.

The South Korean hostage who was abducted in Iraq was beheaded! I've read the news and reports from the Internet and my best friend, Jonathan and I even went a step further to discuss about the whole issue and how it effects the world and what not. We were basically discussing how much we dislike certain countries who incidentally have started the war and the atrocities of the terrorists. This whole incident is pretty much scary to think about. And I sympathise a lot on the families of the victims of war. Not only the casualties of shoot outs and bombing but also victims of war that comprises of these hostages.

I did not really follow much of these news until lately because I'd been busy with assignments and deadlines. I even suffer from lack of sleep because of the deadlines but it is all worthwhile because I think I did pretty well in my units for the semester. Anyway, back to my original ranting. I only started to take notice of the politics and hostages abducting stories after I handed in my last assignment. Imagine my horror at all the unimaginable violence that are happening in Iraq. First the torture of the POWs by the American soldiers and now this. What has the world turn into? Everywhere I see, there's only violence. Including Malaysia.

Before I stray away from the main topic again, I woke up to the news in the newspaper stating that the South Korean hostage is still very much alive that they are still negotiating talks with his captors. According to the news that I read, his captors decided to prolong his life a little longer by having talks with a representative from the Korean company in Iraq. Now, the confusing thing is, which piece of news is true? The one that he's really dead? Or the one that he's still very much alive and there are still negotiations going on? This is a rather mind-boggling piece of news.

[Edit] I told my Mum about this piece of news when we were having dinner just now. Seems that the news that are published in The Sun newspaper is always a day later. So I guess the South Korean guy is really dead. God bless his soul.

Disappointment

2004-06-22T23:43:00.000+08:00

The word 'disappointment' has a thousand meanings. A person can feel disappointment any time of the day at any place. Anybody can feel disappointment be it young or old. And I'm definitely feeling very disappointed right now. I'm disappointed at my uncle. He's not my mother's brother, rather my mother's cousin brother.

My maternal family tree is a rather confused and entangled family tree. My great-grandparents had 2 children; a son and a daughter. The son, my granduncle, had 3 wives. Yup, 3 freaking wives. The first wife had a daughter, my first aunt. The second wife had 2 daughters, my second aunt and my Godma, while the third wife had 3 daughters. Coming from an old, superstitious Chinese family, it is crucial that my granduncle at least have a son. But since all 3 wives are unable to bear him a son, he adopted a baby boy as the last resort. That baby boy grew up to my uncle. Needless to say, he was the apple in everybody's eyes. My great-grandparents daugher, which is my Granny, had only one child, my Mum.

Even though my uncle was the only male in the family, his parents doesn't want to take care of him. I think my third grandaunt is just too lazy to take on any more responsiblity in raising children. And who took care of him since young til the day he got married? My Granny. She single handedly brought him up, care for him, love him. Right up to the extend of ignoring my Mum at points. My Mum, her only child, was ignored because she was busy paying too much attention to my uncle. But did my Mum ever complain? Maybe she did when she was young, but after she grew up, she understood that my Granny is still living by the ways of the olden time and tried to accept my Granny's characteristics on her different ways to show that she loves us. My Mum did not utter a single word against my uncle instead choosing to love his children like her own.

I'm disappointed with my uncle because after all the love and care my Granny gave him, he became the prodigal child after he got married and do not care much for my Granny any longer. And still, my Granny persisted on to love him and care for him. Sometimes, it was so obvious that I felt my uncle was being unfair towards her and also taking advantage of her at times. My Granny is now weak, very weak. My Mum testified that she's a big more stronger now compared to the last few weeks but to me, she's still very weak. All my aunts, my Mum's cousin sisters from all over Malaysia make it a point to see my Granny, to ask about her health, to care for her. How is it possible for them, my aunts, who are not in BM, to make an effort to care and be concern about my Granny's welfare and it is not possible for my uncle, who happens to stay in BM too, to be concern about her health and her welfare? After all the sweat and tears she sacrifice to bring him up, is this the correct way to repay her? I don't think so.

The more I think of it, the more pissed off I am at my uncle. And the worst part is, I can't do or say anything to him. Because in Chinese customs, it's rude to answer back or talk without respect to your elders. How can he be such a prodigal newphew? At least his first born, my cousin brother who happens to be ONLY 14, is more caring towards my Granny. When my Mum told my cousin, Daniel, that she's very, very worried about my Granny, he actually told my Mum that it is so unfortunate that he's only 14 and he couldn't ride a motorcycle yet. Or else he would come every afternoon to check on her when Mum's at work. Now, isn't that thoughtful of him? I feel that my uncle should be ashamed of himself for the fact that his son, his FOURTEEN year old son, is more concern about my Granny than he is. All the love and care that my Granny gave my uncle just went down the drain the day he stop caring for her as much as he used to. He never visits every week. He only comes for a visit when it's convenient to him or when he felt like it. I just feel that he is not showing enough love towards my Granny instead chossing to focus all that on his in-laws.

Maybe it's the way I was brought up. I believe that we should always repay those people who brought us up, who cared for us, who loved us, who will go to the end of the world for us. These people are none other than your own mother, your family. For me, these people are my Mum and my Granny. Both of them work very hard to provide me with a happy childhood and made sure that I have adequate food, love and care to last me my whole life. Now that I'm going to turn 21 soon, I've learn to repay their kindness towards me by loving them even more, by caring for them, by doing little things that might meant nothing at the beginning but adds up to a lot at the end of the day. I learn to be more filial, to be more respectful. If I could think of all these to repay their kindness, why can't my uncle think the same way? Why must he do everything at his convenience rather than doing things because he really meant it? It is so difficult to repay and be filial to a woman who brought him up and made him what he is today; a successful businessman?

The really odd thing is both me and my uncle are brought up by the same person - my Granny. And we're different as night and day. I would have thought that we would at least have some similar thinking when it comes to being filial but apparently I'm not. I just hope for my Granny's sake that my uncle would try to be as filial to her as possible before she passes on. Because even to this day, she will find no fault in him and thinks him perfect no matter how much imperfection he has. Maybe it was wrong of me to think that we would somehow think in a similar way in the first place. I don't know. I'm just too tired to think of these anymore. Somehow or other, all these matters seem a little trivial compared to what is going on in the world.

Two funerals within a month

2004-06-22T02:54:00.000+08:00

I believed I'd mentioned something about attending several funerals in my last post. Actually, I'd attended two funerals this year and both are only a month apart. So, it was really devastating, especially when both funerals that I attended are funerals of people I really loved and cared about.

The first funeral I attended this year was that of my Godfather's. He passed away on New Year's eve and I regret not being there to see him for one final time before he left all of us. He supposedly died of a heart attack. But the truth was much more difficult and long to explain. He had been suffering from some sort of blood disease for more than a year when he passed on. The symptoms were similar to that of a leukemia patient where his red blood cells are much, much lower than his white blood cells. 2-3 days before he passed away, my Godfather was admitted into the hospital because he needed to get blood transfusion, something that he always needed at the end of each month. His liver had ceased to function properly and could not produce the amount of red blood cells his body needed, thus the need to go for blood transfusion every month. The blood transfusion that day went well and there were no complications. But the next day, the hospital staff needed to transfused some palettes or something like that (things and terms that I'm not too sure about) and this time around, things went awry and somehow, the liquid got into his lungs and he had problem breathing, and this lead to his heart pumping harder and faster, something which his heart is not strong enough to do so. Before anybody could guess what happen, he had a stroke and he couldn't talk for the rest of the day and night. When my Godmother went to the hospital, thinking that she could fetch her husband back home and usher in the New Year, she had the shock of her life to see her husband laying on bed, unable to move and the doctors were around to tell her to "be prepared" because he might not make it through the night. At the eve of New Year, my Godpa really couldn't make it and he passed away.

Even until now, after 6 months had passed, the feeling is still very surreal. I know my Godpa's no longer alive, yet at the same time, my mind refuse to register the fact and every time I visit my Godma, I half expect my Godpa to come out of the house to greet me like he always does. It was a really hard time letting go off him, especially for my Godma. I admit that there were times when I really dislike my Godpa for scolding, arguing and belittling my Godma but deep down inside my heart, I'd always love him for he's the only Godpa I have. The whole funeral was so surreal that I barely cried for the first few days I was there. But when the time came for the undertakers to push his coffin with his body inside into the furnace burner, I cried. Long and hard. My Godma went hysterical at that moment. I think that if we did not held on to her, she would have rushed headlong and jumped into the furnace along with Godpa's coffin. The moment I saw the undertakers pushing Godpa's coffin into the furnace, all feelings of surreality disappeared right there and reality dawned on me that I'll never see my Godpa in real life again. But after so many months had passed, the feeling of surreality is back. I just can't help it. The feeling is just like Godpa just went on a really, REALLY LOONNGGG holiday and he'll come back soon, even though I know it's not true deep down inside.

Less than a month later on, my grandaunt passed away. The pain is not so great and intense this time around. I don't know why, maybe everybody's been expecting for her to passed on for a really long time now. I'm not trying to sound cruel and neither am I cruel. That is the harsh truth. My grandaunt had been suffering from kidney liver for nearly 20 years and she had to go for dialysis every few days for the past 20 years. Imagine somebody you love and respect going for dialysis every few days for 20 years. And every time I see her, which was not very often, as I grew up, I see her shrinking in size and for the last couple of years, osteoporosis invaded her body and made her shrink even more. For a few years, her size made her look just like a kid but her face, her face...there are more wrinkles and sometimes I can't help thinking that maybe death is a better solution for her than to let her continue suffer. I'm not cruel in thinking like that, I just can't bear to see her suffer and shrink any smaller anymore. Frankly, the whole family just does not want to see her suffer any longer.

The weird part about attending my grandaunt's funeral was that I did not cry at all. Not a single tear drop from my eyes. I know I was sad deep down inside but I was unable to cry. Not even when the undertakers pushed her coffin into the furnace. I did not shed a single tear. I'm not cold hearted. That much I know cause I'm the type who cries easily. But that day, the tears just won't come. Maybe because I know she wouldn't be suffering anymore and she's finally found peace. I don't know for sure. I'm just very glad that she doesn't need to suffer on earth anymore.

After all the pain and tears I witnessed throughout the two funerals I'd attended, I don't think I can go through another funeral this year, especially if the funeral happens to be that of my Granny who had looked after and cared for me for the past 20 years. I just really, really hope that she'll get better and live long enough to see me graduate and get married. Better still if she could live to see her great-grandchildren. =)

Home sweet home...

2004-06-20T01:32:00.000+08:00

Finally, home sweet home. And that means I'm back in my sweet little hometown where I've been living for the past 20 years. It's situated in the middle of mainland part of Penang known as Province Wellesley. No, it's not in Butterworth but that's what I usually tell people because whenever I mentioned Bukit Mertajam, there will be a large question mark above their heads and the way their eyebrows arched shows that they have not even HEARD of the place before.

Anyway, I reached BM (short for Bkt Mertajam) in the wee hours this morning. The reason? My bf and I drove back all the way from KL from midnight onwards and only reached BM around 4-5 in the morning. The initially plan was for us to go back to his hometown in Alor Setar and come back to BM this afternoon after lunch with his family. But the moment we passed the Juru toll, he decided that he was just too dead tired to drive on any longer and since the journey back to my house from the toll takes less than 15 minutes, he decided that we should stop at my house instead of going all the way back to Alor Setar, which was going to take another hour or so. Well, he did not really decide himself that we should go back to my house in the wee morning, he actually asked me what we should do before making the final decision. And I respect him for that. The ability to ask for my opinion before making decisions. He had always asked for my opinions before doing anything and that includes his career. But I'll get back to this some other time. And so, back to my house we did and I had to wake my Mum up at nearly 5am. Thank goodness I do not need to call the housephone to wake either her or Granny up cause Mum's been sleeping in my room all the while that I was in KL. She claims that my room is much cooler in the evenings and nights, which she didn't believe when I first told her that. Hehe..finally she believes me and decided to take over my room whenever I'm back in KL studying. But this room will always be mine cause whenever I came back for holidays, for instance this time around, the room will be returned to me without question. After all, I'm the Queen of my own room. Kekeke....oh well. Anyway, my bf and I hooked up in my room while my Mum promptly made her way back to her room and within minutes, all of us were asleep like pigs. I cannot be excuse for it cause after all, when one is born in the year of pigs, one have to act like a pig in someway or other. =D

My bf and I slept through the whole morning and only woke up around 1 something in the afternoon. Yet, I'm still feeling sleepy and tired and all I want to do is just to continue snoozing away. Unfortunately, I had to wake up and see what my Mum and Granny is up to. Both of them were busy preparing a Chinese delicacy known as 'Chong' (in Cantonese). It's rice wrapped in bamboo leaves and then boiled in hot boiling water. There are 2 types of 'chong'; the sweet type and the salty type. The sweet type is yellow in colour and to eat it, you either dip it in sugar or melted 'gula Melaka'. 'Gula Melaka' is actually hard coconut sugar that are in pieces as hard as bricks. The taste is heavenly especially to young kids and I used to love eating them. But as I grew up, I became more health conscious and stop eating too many sweet things. Thus, the low liking for it anymore. The salty type of 'chong' is wrapped in bamboo leaves too but are considerably 2-3 times bigger than the sweet type. THe rice is fried til fragrant with dark soya sauce. While the sweet type does not have any filling, the salty type had meat, mushrooms, beans and egg yolk in it. My Granny usually wraps a special bunch for me cause she knows I'm not too fond of eating 'chong' with egg yolk. I hope she does the same this year too. As for other people, some will add in some dried shrimps but I do not really like the taste of it. Maybe cause I've grown up eating my Granny's version of 'chong'.

Speaking of Granny, she's definitely grown much weaker since the last time I saw her, which was somewhere in April. Mum had been calling me practically every week since then cause I was in KL studying. Each time we talked, she'll tell me how Granny fared for the past week and without fail, there will always be accounts on Granny getting dizzy and falling down in the process. 7 times out of the 10 times she falls down, she'll definitely hit her head on a table, or maybe a chair or something. I'm really, really worried about her. She's 79 years old this year. 80 if you want to follow the Chinese calendar. And all the while, she's been doing fine. She's healthy as can be and she can even go shopping for hours with Mum and I. But now, looking at her health deteoriating before my very eyes, I'm suddenly overcome with fear. Fear of losing her to the Grim Reaper. I know people die every day because of old age. But frankly, I do not want to go to another funeral this year. I'll get to this next time round. My very wish is for Granny to witness my graduation for my degree and to still be around when I get married. She's the next best thing in my family after my Mum. I hope against hope that she'll be ok and that her health will not continue to deteoriate. Cause if her health continues to deteoriate in such a short period of time, I fear that she will not be around for long. But before the worst happened, I'll make sure that I enjoy her company and show her my love as much as possible, nevermind her sharp tongue that loves to scold and nag. I'll just ignore that and take life with her once again one day at a time.

[Edit] As for my diarrhoea, it's still there but it's definitely getting better. I am not confined to eating broth and bread anymore. Yippee! But I still do not want to experience excruciating pain in my stomach and the high frequency of visiting the toilet any sooner.

Diarrhoea..

2004-06-17T14:30:00.000+08:00

That's right. Diarrhoea. I have diarrhoea. Been having tummy aches and had been running to the toilet very very often for the whole of last night. Poor me huh? I don't know what I ate wrong or what lead to the diarrhoea.

I've been trying to retrace the intake of food that went through my mouth but seriously, none are prominent enough to cause any thing that would trigger off the diarrhoea. I had the same 'maggi goreng' that my housemate had. In fact, we shared the same plate of maggi. Then, I woke up yesterday morning with an upset stomach but I dimissed it as flatulence in my stomach and maybe the beginning of a gastric. So, after washing up, I immediately drink milk with oats cause it usually does clear the gastric juice at the beginning. I had rice with chicken and four angle beans for lunch. And I still felt all right after it. It all started after I got back from 1 Utama (a shopping mall in Petaling Jaya), which was around 4 plus in the evening. I started experiencing stomach upsets where it hurts a lot. And when I said it hurts a lot, it really does hurts a lot until I had to curl up like a ball to prevent the pain from getting more intense. And from that time onwards, I went to the toilet 2-3 times every hour. The pain in the stomach is excruciating and sometimes I can just feel my tears forming on its own, prepared to roll down my face.

I've been running to the toilet the whole night and by the time I was too tired or blur to do anything else but to go to the toilet, my housemate, Denise, bless her kind soul, checked on me to make sure I'm really all right because she's been hearing me going to the toilet for far too often for comfort. She asked me what's wrong and I told her that I suspect I'm having diarrhoea. She said she has the medicine for it and went to get me some. Lomotil. That's the tablet she gave me to cure the diarrhoea. Now, Lomotil is suppose to work. It's suppose to take the diarrhoea away. How do I know this? Well, my bf's dad is a doctor. And living with a doctor for the past 20 years, my bf definitely did pick up some stuff on what to take for certain pains and stuff. He was the one who told me to take either Lomotil or Bascopane (not sure of the spelling). Anyway, Lomotil helped for only 2-3 hours. Cause in the middle of the night, I had to wake up to go to the toilet again. Big business in the middle of the night. *sigh* Fortunately, the pain is not as excruciating as before but it is still bad enough. And after that, I'd been going to the toilet every 2-3 hours with pain in my stomach.

My bf took me to the doctor's just now. He was suppose to come fetch me and take me to the doc's in the morning before he went to work, but being a sleepy pig as he always is, he was late. And every clinic that we went to is either close or the doc's away for lunch. Finally, around 2, the doc came back and I was the first patient to see him after his lunch hour. The doc is pretty old and he looks like he's sick and tired of seeing patients again. He gave me the feeling that he's still doing the job because it's the only thing he's good at. Oh well, anyway, I told him what was wrong with me and he check my stomach. You know, all the poking a doc does to see what's wrong with you. Anyway, he checked on me and finally gave me a whole lot of tablets for my dehydration and the pain and the diarrhoea. Finally. So here I am, after going to the doctor's, writing a piece on how painful it is to get diarrhoea. ANd on what I had to go through the feel like a normal person again.

My thigh hurts like hell....

2004-06-13T23:32:00.000+08:00

Ok. So, I was having dinner with my bf and 2 of his friends at this Malay stall just now. The food they served are typical Malay food fare but there are a few dishes that are quite special and unique in their own way.

Anyway, after dinner, the 4 of us were sitting around, sipping our drinks and chatting the night away. One of my bf's friends, Rhodri, joked that anybody whose hair style is something like my bf's is kinda gay. So I answered, somewhat in a cheeky way that Rhodri is indirectly saying that my bf is gay. All of us laughed, including my bf when he said that he could prove he's not gay and started to lean towards me. I shifted in my seat so that I'm further away from him and guess what? He hit my thigh with all his might! And my thigh hurts so much that my tears just start rolling down my face with a mind of their own. And I'm dead serious with the whole tears fiasco thing. It really hurts that much. And to think he did that in front of his 2 friends! It was embarassing for them to see my tears.Even now, while I'm writing this entry, which is a couple of hours after the whole thing, my thigh still hurts. It feels like the whole area is throbbing non stop. Urgh!

Before I forget, I'm really mad at my bf now. Even though if he claims that it was an accident to hit so hard. Cause you just can't regret and take back your words and action long after what you said or did. The impact of it all is there already. It can never be erased. I know I sound very petty over little stuff like that, but seriously, that's not the way to treat ur gf or bf. He embarassed me in front of his friends and was even laughing after he hit me. I guess I'm quite sensitive but it hurts me a lot especially when he's laughing when it's not funny at all. Who in their right mind would hit someone they love and laugh after the whole incident? Nobody would do that unless they are psycho or they just don't really care. *sigh* I don't know what to think or say. I know he loves me a lot. But that's just not the right way to handle the situation just now. I'm hurt, I'm angry, and I'm sad. Disappointed too. I'm giving him the cold shoulder right now. I think it's best to let him know how angry and disappointed I am at him so that he'll learn his lesson.

I am so PISSED OFF!!!!!

2004-06-05T05:05:00.000+08:00

I am so, so, so pissed off with blogspot!! I've been trying to login for the past hour and only manage to login now after the umpteenth time of logging in non-stop. Even after sending requests for password retrieval and using the web page that they sent, I'm still not able to login cause they keep asking for a password when they are suppose to guide me to change my freaking password! What kind of system are they running on? Why is it so NOT friendly user or maybe I'm the only one who has this kind of problem? I don't know for sure but I'm really, really pissed off now! I swear I can kill somebody right now. And I do pity my boyfriend because he's letting me use him to let off some steam. Even though I felt a little better after doing that, guilt starts to take over cause he doesn't deserve all this. Even if he did pissed me off earlier and irritated me with his stupid laugh that goes "Huh huh huh". If blogspot continues denying my right to login without problems and I'm still gonna encounter all this shit each time I have the inspiration to write something, I might just stop writing here all together and find some other blogging website to post whatever I want to write. Other blogging website that is more user friendly for newbies like me. And not torturing me and making me lose my inspiration to rant and rave and write by making me try to login for one whole freaking hour!!!!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!

I was initially pissed off about something else but after trying for one whole fucking hour just trying to login, I forgot what the heck I want to say and am now thouroughly pissed with blogspot. So there. Done. Finito. ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Freaking video clip

2004-06-03T17:31:00.000+08:00

This is my first time in blogging. I only learned about blogging from my lecturer, Mabel, when I started my degree course this year. Mabel is not only one rock-a-chick babe of a lecturer, she's also a good friend that I really cherished.

Yesterday was a nightmare for me. I barely had 4 hours of sleep the previous night and I got to stay in college the whole day because some people in my group are just too irresponsible to stay and finish up the work that they are suppose to. We have a video clip to complete which my lecturer's gonna screen on Friday. The problem is, those who are in charge of transferring the files of the shoots we took use the wrong format to transfer and the end result of the video is only shown on one tiny part of the tv. So...we have to go back to college and try to enlarge the whole video clip and fix up some problems that the initial video clip had. Now, I'm the so-called producer for the whole shoot. That means, I'm also supposedly to be in charge of the editing. I sure don't know how to edit stuff for screen but I will learn all things that needed to be use. Problem was, some people in the group insist that they be on the editing team and that I don't need to worry myself for editing. Okaayyy....fine...at least that was what I thought. They handled the first editing, well, sort of, more like they asked another person to help them edit. Anyway, they did the first editing and the whole thing was just too small for the tv. And so, we risked the idea that we have to shoot the whole video clip again. Thank GOd, some guy came in to help us enlarge the thing, thus we do not need to reshoot the freaking video clip. But those who were in the editing team were not around cause they are under a tight deadline to finish a take home exam which they were suppose to finish the night before since knowing that they have to come in that day to redo the editing part. But no...off they went to the other labs in the college to finish their take home essay and I'm left with the guy and a few other people in the group who incidentally were not in charge of the editing part too. Irresponsible? YUP! Definitely is. So, the few people left to care for the editing is me, the director, the original editor who did not even take the freaking subject and the only guy in our group. Now, the director is suppose to stay and make sure that everything is ok before she left right? But no....she told me that she has to go do some grocery shopping in some mall because she ran out of food to eat at home. So fine, nursing an empty stomach is quite important and I'm actually quite ok with the whole fact until she said, "I might go catch a movie after my grocery shopping, I'm thinking of watching Shrek 2". Now, that really makes my blood boil. FOr Christ's sake, I barely had 4 hours of sleep to boot and I've been sleeping less than 5 hours every night because I was trying to finish my assignments, I'm NOT even in charge on the whole freaking editing thing and I'm NOT the DIRECTOR!! She should stay back and make sure that everything is fine before she left, not me! But once again, I just kept quiet and let people push me around. And I had to stayed til 5 something in the evening while everybody around me gets to go home early. I was practically floating around in the air the whole day yesterday but does anybody care? Hell, no!

Andrew, one of my good friends around were kind enough to wait for me to finish up the whole thing just so he could fetch me back when he could have gone home much earlier and avoid the usual peak hour jam. I was ranting and raving to him and his friends about the whole thing and he was using some not so nice names to call my group members. I was telling him not to do so because I'm just pissed off and ranting about things when he said, "Grace, you're just too nice to people. That's why they always push you around. Like today, they pushed you around and yet, you still make excuses for them to push you around." That got me stop my protest in mid-air and I started thinking. Maybe what he said is quite true. I tend to want to please people and not think about myself. If I feel that I treat somebody badly even though if that person deserves it, I'll feel bad later on and there will be a heavy burden in me. I'm just born to be so and even though some people appreciate me for who I am, some just take advantage of it and step all over my head just so that they can have their things done. *Sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do next and no matter how many times I told myself not to be nice to people anymore or not to allow people to push me around, I still tend to let my guard down before I realize that people are using me again. Unless I can really change, I think I will always be pushed around, be it in college or at work next time.

Well, time to have my dinner now. I still have an exam to study for tomorrow. I'll come back here the next time when I have something to say.